Jokes for June 2005

Quarters

A young boy enters the barber shop and Bill the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns! He's got to be the dumbest kid in the world" .

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!!!!"

This is one of my favourite jokes.....
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary - last names deleted.
STORY:
---------
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels... I can't decide."

A ventriloquist was driving through the Midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, ”Is this your horse?” The farmer replied, ”Yep.” The ventriloquist asked, ”Can he talk?” The farmer said, ”Nope.” The ventriloquist then said to the horse, ”So, how do you like it here?” He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, ”Oh, it’s pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats.” Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, ”Is this your cow,” and the farmer replied, ”Yep.” He then asked, ”Does it talk,” and the farmer replied, ”I… I don’t think so.” The ventriloquist asked the cow, ”How do you like it here,” and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, ”Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me.” Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, ”Are these your sheep,” and the farmer replied, ”Yep.” He then asked, ”Do they talk,” and the farmer exclaimed, ”Yes, but they lie!”

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an swear word. Those that weren't swear words were, to say the least, very rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

PET DIARIES UNCOVERED

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Day 184 of captivity:
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this on their bed.

Day 185 of captivity:
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

Day 186 of captivity:
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 187 of captivity:
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies! and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

A lion wakes up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He goes out and corners a small monkey and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" Later, the lion confronts a wildebeast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildebeast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk and slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The elephant then stomps on the lion, then ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"

Bottle Of Perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE ? ? ?

When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp!

A man walks into the street and manages to flag down a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like you needing a cab just when I was driving by. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy eh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate; shoes highly polished, too."

Passenger: "What an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

Two men are driving through Saskatchewan when they get pulled over by a Mountie. The Mountie walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What the hell was that for?" The Mountie says, "You're in Saskatchewan son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The Mountie runs a check on the guys license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him with the nightstick too. The passenger says, What'd you do that for?"
The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true." The Passenger says,
"huh?" The Mountie says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me."

25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP

        1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
       2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
       3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
       4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
       5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
       6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
       7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
       8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
       9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
       10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
       11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
       12. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
       13. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
       14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
       15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
       17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
       18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
       19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
       20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
       21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
       22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink like that again"!
       23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
       24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
       25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow said "No". She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

You might be a Redneck Jedi if:

1 You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2 Your Jedi robe is camouflaged.
3 You have ever used your light sabre to open a bottle of Bud Light.
4 At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
5 You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
6 You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
7 The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dad-gum skeeters.
8 Wookies are offended by your body odor.
9 You have ever used the force to get yourself another Bud Light so you didn't miss an interview with any of the Allisons on CMT.
10 You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
11 Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, boy come on over to the dark
side...it'll be a hoot."
12 You have ever had your R2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
13 You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
14 You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
15 You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
16 Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
17 You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
18 You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
19 You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
20 When your light sabre opens, it plays a few bars of "Dixie."
21 You want to send your speeder bike to Orange County Choppers for overhaul.
22 If you hear . . . "Luke, I'm your daddy ...and your uncle."

A baby boy had just been born. He had all his parts and seemed quite normal, except that he was laughing, I mean laughing real hard.
All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy, in front of his worried parents.
But he kept on laughing. His tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.
One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was alright,
and...... guess what he found?
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The Birth Control Pill!

He decides to give them a test. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what each did with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money. Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

A man had just finished reading "Man Of The House" while making his commute home from work. When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing his finger in her face, he said "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "My guess would be the Funeral Director."

Train of Life

Some folks ride the train of life
Looking out the rear,
Watching miles of life roll by,
And marking every year.

They sit in sad remembrance,
Of wasted days gone by,
And curse their life for what it was,
And hang their head and cry.

But I don't concern myself with that,
I took a different vent,
I look forward to what life holds,
And not what has been spent.

So strap me to the engine,
As securely as I can be,
I want to be out on the front,
To see what I can see.

I want to feel the winds of change,
Blowing in my face,
I want to see what life unfolds,
As I move from place to place.

I want to see what's coming up,
Not looking at the past,
Life's too short for yesterdays,
It moves along too fast.

So if the ride gets bumpy,
While you are looking back,
Go up front, and you may find,
Your life has jumped the track.

It's all right to remember,
That's part of history,
But up front's where it's happening,
There's so much mystery.

The enjoyment of living,
Is not where we have been,
It's looking ever forward,
To another year and ten.

It's searching all the byways,
Never should you refrain,
For if you want to live your life,
You gotta drive the train!

~author unknown~

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Rules for Guys

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Subject: 2 Cups of coffee

This is one sharp professor.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

'The golf balls are the important things - your God, your partner, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions- things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.

'The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. 'The sand is everything else - the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

'The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean your house and fix the disposal. 'Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

The latest Yale research answers the question scientists have been pondering for years!

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, they get weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman walks by wearing leather clothing?

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

Scam on Men

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men who are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well enhanced young woman comes up.

With body stretched to its full potential, she pretends to wash your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday.

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells thetruth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, with possible responses.

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

NEW DEFINITIONS
1. DOOHICKEY:
A. Female........Any part under a car's hood.
B. Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female........Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
B. Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female........The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
B. Male...........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female.........A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male...........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female.........A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male...........Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE (flachulens) n
A. Female.........An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
A. Female........The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female........A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male..........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said proudly. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!" said the clerk.

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

Young Lester came down to breakfast. His mother wondered, had he had done his chores? "Not yet," he told her, sliding up to the table. "Well, no breakfast 'til you do your chores." Said ma shooing him out of the kitchen.

Lester was pissed.

He went to feed the chickens, and he booted a hen. He went to feed the cows, and he booted a cow. He went to slop the pigs, and booted a sow. Then he stomped back in for breakfast. His mother set before him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon. and mama why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well, Lester dear" his mother says, "I saw you kick that chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I also saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week. And for booting the cow you don't get no milk for a week." Mother turned back to the sink humming and Lester pouted silently over his breakfast.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicked the cat as he walked into the kitchen. Lester looked up at his mother with a smile, "You wanna tell him, or can I?

Happy huntin'!

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The
father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Following is the official guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed: +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1

You leave the toilet seat up: -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5

In the snow: +8

But return with beer: -5

And no liners: -25

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It's her cat: -40

AT A PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -10

With breast implants: -18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday: 0

You buy a card and flowers: 0

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal: 0

The pal is happily married: +1

The pal is single: -7

He drives a Ferrari: -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie: +2

You take her to a movie she likes: +4

You take her to a movie you hate: +6

You take her to a movie you like: -2

It's called Cop 3: -3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it: +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.": -800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding: -10

You reply, "Where?": -35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt": -100

Any other response: -20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression: 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?": -50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

These are a couple that I've added that only scale modelers can relate to.

You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise. 0

It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off. -15

You take her to Virginia Beach for a long week end vacation. +50

It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held. -100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the vendors room than she does shopping)