Saturday July 30 2005I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order.
When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.
Friday July 29 2005
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Thursday July 28 2005
A man walked into the Women's
Department of Macy's and said to the saleslady "I would like a Baptist
bra for my wife, size 36B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked,
"What kind of bra?!" He repeated, "A Baptist Bra - she said
to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she
wanted." "Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady.
"We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our
customers want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple: "The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
They," she replied,"make mountains out of molehills."
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you've wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's time you knew!
A = Almost Boobs...
B = Barely there
C = Can't Complain!
D = Dang!
DD = Double dang!
E = Enormous!
F = Fake
G = Get a Reduction
H = Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
(Hey wait, I thought F was for Fabulous, G for Great and H for Hello!...)
Editors note.....I don't write this stuff.....I just post it. ;-)
Wednesday July 27 2005
Living in Arizona
May 30th: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100°C today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100°C all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th: It's 115°C. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85°C. I hate this stupid State.
Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 120°C today. Forgot to crack the window and blew out the damn windshield of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
Tuesday July 26 2005
Female Guinness Book of
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread
throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to
a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third
of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.
Saturday July 23 2005
Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Calle r: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from th! e bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Whatis the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, wher! e are you calling from?
Ca ller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Friday July 22 2005
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shoot out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Thursday July 21 2005
While trying to escape, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy bitch! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me
anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His dong was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
Wednesday July 20 2005You know you're living on the Gulf Coast when:
You have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 10 cans of Spaghetti Os.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe place.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You own more than three large coolers.
You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 5-pound catfish. In your driveway.
You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
Tuesday July 19 2005
Children write about the
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James, age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne , age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie, age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William ,age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen, age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren, age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma, age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie, age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
One holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie, age 7)
Monday July 18 2005A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
The husband put a gun to
the naked man's head. The wife shouted, Don't do it! This man
has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Bears Tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Sunday July 17 2005
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete . . . she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU.
Saturday July 16 2005
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweil er: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no thieves have tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer:
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner and a massage?"
All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally
unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. T hey expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They
leave their toys every where. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Friday July 15 2005
An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Thursday July 14 2005
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
Tuesday July 12 2005
it's summertime and the BBQs are going to work we need to review
some "BBQ Ground Rules" for grilling BBQ, a real man's
cooking...It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a
man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.
Here comes the important part .....
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again ....
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most of all ....
10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
Monday July 11 2005
Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are
in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes
to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him
and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you
for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Sunday July 10 2005
guy checks into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely
so he thought he would call up one of those girls you see advertised in
phone booths when you're ringing for a cab. He grabbed a card on his
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful wavy waist-length hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her.... well, you know the kind. So he's in his room and figures, what the hell, he'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman said. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby.
Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Saturday July 9 2005
One Sunday morning, the
minister noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring
up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags
mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.
The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Friday July 8 2005
THIS SHOULD RATTLE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant neither ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Why can carburetors carb, but pistons can't . . . . . . , well you know what I'm trying to say!
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
Thursday July 7 2005
reasons to go to work naked
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. You want to see if it's like the dream.
4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
5. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
6. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
7. No one steals your chair.
Wednesday July 6 2005
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his
work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
Monday July 4 2005
This is really an eye
opener.... Water or Coke? We all know that water is important
but I've never seen it written down like this before.
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzz short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
And now for the properties of COKE: (I think most of this stuff below is false.)
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident!
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
9. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
For Your Info:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years.
Now the question is, would you like a coke or a glass of water?
Sunday July 3 2005
You know you need a new lawyer WHEN....
During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you his last good case was a "Budweiser"
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "Duck-duck-goose"
During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.
A prison guard is shaving your head..
Every couple of minutes, he yells "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and downs a shot.
He frequently gives juror number 4 the finger.
He places a large "NO REFUNDS" sign on the defense table.
He begins his closing with "As Ally McBeal once said..."
Just before he says "Your Honor", he makes little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his office reads "Practicing law since 2:30pm".
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs".
Friday July 1 2005
A few Canada Day jokes....
Little Douglas was in
his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living.
All the typical answers came up - -
Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
Dougie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes, if an offer's really good he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Doug aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Dougie, "He's actually a Liberal MP, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids
The Mountie and the Saskatchewan Farmer
A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Saskatchewan farmer driving down the back roads.
She said to him, "You're under arrest, anything you say, can and will be held against you".
"Tits", replied the farmer.
An old priest was dying. He sent a message for present Canadian Prime Minister, Paul Martin and past Prime Minister, Jean Chretien to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the clergyman held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both Martin and Chretien were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, Chretien asked, "Fodder, what for did you hask de two of huss to come 'ere?"
The old priest mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go also."