Jokes for Jan 2005

After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low (loud) voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons . . . both Admirals.

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I want to stay with you guys!"

F B Eyes

Homeland Security has announced they will soon be implementing new software
which will record every click of your mouse. It is their belief that it will operate completely transparently and that the average user will not notice any difference in performance. Click on the URL below to observe this incredible new
technology.

http://users.chartertn.net<WBR>/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

THE HORMONE WARNING:
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

And the favourite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and men who need a warning.

According to a new article in Cosmopolitan magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into the NCO Club and sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was on.

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.

Darn women drivers

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."

Rules For Men

1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dislexic?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Gang of Robbers

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!
We had $100 when we broke in!"

1.       Good: Your wife is pregnant.
          Bad: It's triplets
          Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2.       Good: Your wife's not talking to you
          Bad: She wants a divorce
          Ugly: She's a lawyer

3.       Good: Your son is finally maturing
          Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
          Ugly: So are you

4.        Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
           Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
           Ugly: You're in them

5.       Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
          Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
          Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

6.      Good: Your husband understands fashion
         Bad: He's a cross-dresser
         Ugly: He looks better than you

7.      Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
         Bad: She keeps interrupting
         Ugly: With corrections

8.       Good: The postman's early
          Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
          Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9.       Good: You son is dating someone new
          Bad: It's another man
          Ugly: He's your best friend

10.     Good: Your daughter got a new job
          Bad: As a hooker
          Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
          Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Resumes

These are taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters. They were printed in "Fortune" magazine.

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."

2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

5. "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity Leave."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7. "It's best for employers if I don't work with people."

8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "I was working for my Mom until she decided to move."

10. "Marital Status: single, unmarried, unengaged, uninvolved, no commitments."

11. "I have an excellent track record, although, I am not a horse."

12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I should try stock brokerage."

14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far!"

16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never quit a job."

18. "Marital Status: often. Children: various."

19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

20. "Finished eighth in a class of ten."

21. "References: none. I have left a path of destruction behind me."

A teacher tried to explain the “gender of things“ concept (masculine and feminine) to her class. For example, the teacher pointed out that hurricanes, ships and aircraft are called “she”.

One of the students asked what gender a computer has, and the teacher decided that to solve this, the class would be divided into two groups – one with the boys and one with the girls. The assignment was to give computers a gender and motivate why.

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Following is the official guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed: +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
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You leave the toilet seat up: -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
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You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5

In the snow: +8

But return with beer: -5

And no liners: -25
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You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It's her cat: -40
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AT A PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -10

With breast implants: -18
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HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday: 0

You buy a card and flowers: 0

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team: -10
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A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal: 0

The pal is happily married: +1

The pal is single: -7

He drives a Ferrari: -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15
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A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie: +2

You take her to a movie she likes: +4

You take her to a movie you hate: +6

You take her to a movie you like: -2

It's called Cop 3: -3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15
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YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it: +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.": -800
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THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding: -10

You reply, "Where?": -35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt": -100

Any other response: -20
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COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression: 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?": -50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20
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You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise. 0

It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off. -15
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You plan to take her to Atlanta for a long week end vacation. +50

It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held. -100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the vendors room than she does shopping)

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

MARIA : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".