Jokes for Feb 2005

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door.

In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".

The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches." So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties.

She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers ( hens ), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair...and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result:

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of Acute Anal Glaucoma," she says in a very weak voice.

Her boss pauses & then asks, "What the hell is Acute Anal Glaucoma?"

"Well, I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.

The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the England Rugby Team as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

THE POKER GAME

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Ted loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut cards. Bob picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news to Ted's wife.
They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Bob goes over to Ted's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Bob declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Bob.

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?

" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

  Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

   1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

   2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

   3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

   4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

   5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

   6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

   7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

   8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

   9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

   10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

   11. The average housefly lives for one month.

   12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

   13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

   14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

   15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

   16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

   17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

   18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the   rabbit and the parrot.

   19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

   20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

   21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

   22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

   23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

   24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

   25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

   26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all true....Now go back and think about #16 Have a great day all.........

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher Held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The Preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old Preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CANADIAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not a DUMB BLONDE - She is a LIGHT HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a Tramp - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT Hooker - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN    STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants..... It's REAR CLEAVAGE.
----------------------------

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley , and duly dispatched the infamous detective Boudreaux to investigate.

He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take All my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money
to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with
her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't crazy enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back
on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket
with him."

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it!"

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, I was preoccupied, looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe we can help each other search. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long blonde hair, long legs, big boobs, and a tight ass.
What does your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's just look for yours."

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married... Something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a
female roommate Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't
help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her
more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just
roommates." About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll
e-mail her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote; Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the
sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the
fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which
read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma.

>> Lesson...never lie to your momma!

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering ....why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those...," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Nova Scotia. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . "

Wait for it.

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

(oh shut up, I just copy and paste them, I don't write them.)

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex!!!!"

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they
fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

BANK ON THE BANK
Subject: Late Fees
Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.........

This is just so priceless....and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is....
My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now is somewhere around $60.00, I placed the following phone call to CitiBank

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

(After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said."But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
"I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research. He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man.

He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?" "Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

"Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter.
"Has anything ever happened that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
----------------------------

SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.