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Tuesday Aug 30 2005

Temptations

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was  only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I 
was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is :


Always keep your condoms in your car ...

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Monday Aug 29 2005

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she asks? He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

It's dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving." 

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Sunday Aug 28 2005

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

I went to the store the other day. I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So, I called him a piece of dog sh*t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age.

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Saturday Aug 27 2005

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" 

The girl said "No." 

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot. 

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Friday Aug 26 2005

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. 

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, New madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. 

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith." 

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Wednesday Aug 24 2005

Royal Flying Corps Monthly Safety Report
The following safety tips from the Daedalian Foundation are excerpts from a Royal Flying Corps monthly safety report. The report was signed C. St. John-Culbertson, Royal Flying Corps, Colonel, and was dated 21 December 1917.
INTRODUCTION Another good month. In all, a total of 35 accidents were reported, only six of which were avoidable. These represented a marked improvement over the month of November during which 84 accidents occurred, of which 23 were avoidable. This improvement, no doubt, is the result of experienced pilots with over 100 hours in the air forming the backbone of all the units
RESUME OF ACCIDENTS
Avoidable accidents
1. Avoidable accidents this last month.
a. The pilot of a Shorthorn, with over 7 hours of experience, seriously damaged the undercarriage on landing. He had failed to land at as fast a speed as possible as recommended in the Aviation Pocket Handbook.
b. A B.E. 2 stalled and crashed during an artillery exercise. The pilot had been struck on the head by the semaphore of his observer who was signaling to the gunners.
c. Another pilot in a B.E. 2 failed to get airborne. By an error of judgment, he was attempting to fly at mid-day instead of at the recommended best lift periods, which are just after dawn and just before sunset.
d. A Longhorn pilot lost control and crashed in a bog near Chipping-Sudbury. An error of skill on the part of the pilot in not being able to control a machine with a wide speed band of 10 MPH between top speed and stalling speed.
e. While low flying in a Shorthorn the pilot crashed into the top deck of a horse drawn bus near Stonehenge. f. A B.E. 2 pilot was seen to be attempting a banked turn at a constant height before he crashed. A grave error by an experienced pilot.
 
 2. There were 29 unavoidable accidents from which the following are selected:
a. The top wing of a Camel fell off due to fatigue failure of the flying wires. A successful emergency landing was carried out.
b. Sixteen B.E. 2 s and 9 Shorthorns had complete engine failures. A marked improvement over November's fatigue.
c. Pigeons destroyed a Camel and 2 Longhorns after mid-air strikes.
COST OF ACCIDENTS: Accidents during the last three months of 1917 cost 317 pounds, 10 shillings and sixpence, money down the drain and sufficient to buy new gaiters and spurs for each and every pilot observer in the Service.
ACCIDENT BRIEFS
No. 1 Brief No. 912 Squadron 3 December 1917 Aircraft type B.E. 2C No. XY 678, Total solo - - 4.20 Pilot Lt. J. Smyth-Worthington, Solo in type - - 1.10 The pilot of this flying machine attempted to maintain his altitude in a turn at 2,500 feet. This resulted in the aeroplane entering an unprecedented manoeuvre, entailing a considerable loss of height. Even with full power applied and the control column fully back, the pilot was unable to regain control. However, upon climbing from the cockpit onto the lower mainplane, the pilot managed to correct the machines altitude, and by skillful manipulation of the flying wires successfully sideslipped into a nearby meadow.
Remarks: Although, through inexperience, this pilot allowed his aeroplane to enter an unusual attitude, his resourcefulness in eventually landing without damage has earned him a unit citation.
R.F.C. Lundsford-Magnus is investigating the strange behaviour of this aircraft.
No. 2 Brief No. 847 Squadron 19 December 1917 Aircraft type Spotter Balloon J17983, Total solo 107.00 Pilot Capt. * * * , Solo in type 32.10
Captain * * * of the Hussars, a balloon observer, unfortunately allowed the spike of his full-dress helmet to impinge against the envelope of his balloon. There was a violent explosion and the balloon carried out a series of fantastic and uncontrollable manoeuvres, while rapidly emptying itself of gas. The pilot was thrown clear and escaped injury, as he was lucky enough to land on his head.
Remarks: This pilot was flying in full-dress uniform because he was the Officer of the Day. In consequence it has been recommended that pilots will not fly during periods of duty as Officer of the Day.
Captain * * * has requested an exchange posting to the Patroville Alps, a well-known mule unit of the Basques.
 No. 3 Brief Summary of No. 43 Brief dated October 1917 Major W. de Kitkag-Watney's Nieuport Scout was extensively damaged when it failed to become airborne. The original Court of Inquiry found that the primary cause of the accident was carelessness and poor airmanship on the part of a very experienced pilot. The Commandant General, however, not being wholly convinced that Major de Kitkag-Watney could be guilty of so culpable a mistake ordered that the Court should be re-convened. After extensive inquiries and lengthy discussions with the Meteorological Officer and Astronomer Royal, the Court came to the conclusion that the pilot unfortunately was authorized to fly his aircraft on a day when there was absolutely no lift in the air and could not be held responsible for the accident. The Court wishes to take this opportunity to extend its congratulations to Major de Kitkag-Watney on his reprieve and also on his engagement to the Commandant General's daughter, which was announced shortly before the accident.
FLYING SAFETY TIPS.
Horizontal turns. To take a turn the pilot should always remember to sit upright, otherwise he will increase the banking of the aeroplane. He should NEVER lean over.
Crash precautions. Every pilot should understand the serious consequences of trying to turn with the engine off. It is much safer to crash into a house when going forward than to sideslip or stall a machine with engine troubles.
Passengers should always use safety belts, as the pilot may start stunting without warning.
Never release the belt while in the air, or when nosed down to land.
Engine noises Upon the detection of a knock, grind, rattle or squeak, the engine should be at once stopped. Knocking or grinding accompanied by a squeak indicates binding and a lack of lubricant.
WATCH THAT FIRST STEP. The First Marine Air Wing had this write up in their Safety publication Wing Tips
It was conceded by all that the pilot had accomplished a brilliant piece of work in landing his disabled machine without damage under the circumstances. It is not with intent to reflect less credit upon his airmanship, but it must be noted that he is a well experienced aviator with over 40 total hours in the air, embracing a wide variety of machines, and this was his seventh forced landing due to complete failure of the engine.
It was doubly unfortunate that upon alighting from his machine he missed the catwalk on the lower airfoil and plunged both legs through the fabric, straddling a rib, from which he received a grievous personal injury.
Some thought should be devoted to a means of identifying wing-traversing catwalks to assist aviators in disembarking from their various machines.

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Monday Aug 22 2005

"A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" 

(Services will be held on Monday) 

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Sunday Aug 21   2005

4 Basic Management Lessons

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"  
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with Nutrients." 
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the Tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a hunter who shot him from the tree.

Management Lesson
Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.  The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the sh*t!

Management Lesson
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson
1) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!

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Saturday Aug 20   2005

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. 
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" 
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care.   I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." 
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?" 
"Your name never came up," she replied  

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Friday Aug 19   2005

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.

She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!" 

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Wednesday Aug 17   2005

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The
doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman
kept feeling something that was pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he
could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the ultra sticky kind that doesn't come off once it is put on.

Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon ! Luv, from
the nurse you ticketed last week!"

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Monday Aug 15   2005

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The
doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman
kept feeling something that was pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he
could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the ultra sticky kind that doesn't come off once it is put on.

Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon ! Luv, from
the nurse you ticketed last week!"

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Sunday Aug 14   2005

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

   Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.  

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Saturday Aug 13   2005

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. 

He asked about using one of the pills. 

The son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive" 

"How much?" asked Grandpa. 
" $10.00 a pill," answered the son. 
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this bill. 

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He 
said to his Grandfather, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." 

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

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Friday Aug 12   2005

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded, and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one wish." 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there whenever I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust all of the natural resources. It is hard for me to justify your desire for Worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's silent? Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Thursday Aug 11   2005

Look out Blondes

Blonde Year in Review 

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

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Wednesday Aug 10   2005

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. 
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. 

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. 
The little boy says, "Dark in here." 
The man says, "Yes, it is." 
Boy: "I have a baseball." 
Man: "That's nice." 
Boy: "Want to buy it?" 
Man: "No, thanks." 
Boy: "My dad's outside." 
Man: "OK, how much?" 
Boy: "$250" 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are In the closet together. 
Boy: "Dark in here." 
Man: "Yes, it is." 
Boy: "I have a baseball glove." 
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" 
Boy: "$750" 
Man: "Sold." 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." 
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" 
Boy: "$1,000" 
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that .. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. 
The boy says, "Dark in here." 
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now." 

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Tuesday Aug 9   2005

World's Best Divorce Letter
Dear Sandy,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Sandy." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Olivia's and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on your couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Sandy? I doubt it. And I've never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Sandy, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Kim, that single mom we met at the Little League field a few years ago? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few beers and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our bedroom. And this chick is a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Sandy ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Lee's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Sandy, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Lee's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Sandy. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is.

Love, Wayne

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Monday Aug 8   2005

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about (AND might not ever should!); 

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? 
----------------------------

Sunday Aug 7   2005

As we age, our priorities change. 

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. 

"Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want!" 

So, I tied her up and went fishing. 

----------------------------

Saturday Aug 6   2005

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer
interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway, when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad
and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?' -- What the hell would you say?"

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Friday Aug 5   2005

If you think this idea has merit, then feel free to e-mail it to loved ones and friends etc. 

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Thursday Aug 4   2005

FREE BEER

 An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

 "Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."

 "Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

 "Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

 The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
 He swears every word is true.

 "Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

 "No, not me personally," said the Irishman.
 "But it did happen to me sister."

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Wednesday Aug 3   2005

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.  They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."  So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic." 

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Tuesday Aug 2   2005

Letter to Wannabe Fighter Pilot:

The following E-Mail originated from a young kid who sent it to AETC (Air Education and Training Command) wanting to know how to prepare himself for a future career as a fighter jock.

To Lt Col Van Wickler:

Sir, I am DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F16 fighter pilot of the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in my life?

What could I do to get in the academy?

Sincerely

DJ Baker

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From: VanWickler Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC

Anybody want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?

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A worldly and jaded C130 Pilot, Major Hunter Mills rose to the task!

Dear DJ,

Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots to be pompous, back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes -- as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically.

However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming an USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative: What you REALLY want to aspire to is the exiting, challenging, and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing -- the venerable, workhorse -- THE >C-130!

I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 ft above the ground, while trying to interpret a 9-line to a new DZ, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS -- all while eating a box lunch, with the engineer in the back taking a piss and the navigator puking in his trash can!

I tell you, DJ -- TAC Airlift is where it's at!

Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HMMWVs, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car!

No where else can you land on a 3000' dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff off the ramp without even stopping, then take off again before range control can call to tell you did your touch and go at the wrong LZ!

And talk about exotic travel. When C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere -- usually for 3 months, unfortunately. This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture enough to give any natives a bad taste in their mouths re the USAF and Americans in general -- not something those strat-lift pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!

As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

Take a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing -- and the nav believes he owes the other 20%.

Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the shits catches up to you from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce!

Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in the world -- and then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.

A foreign language is helpful, but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France

and it's much easier to ignore them and go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: Waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre". In Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" -- and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario." These terms of address also work in other countries interchangeably -- depending upon the level of swarth, couth and debonair of the linguist.

A study of geography is also paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to you living room wall -- right next to that gigantic wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you -- and by the way, forget about that Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college would be a much better choice.

Good luck and see you on the SKE scope!

Major Hunter Mills

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Monday Aug 1   2005

Housekeeping tips 

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel..... so if unexpected guests arrive,  they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.