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Saturday Apr 30 2005
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for
the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was
"My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of
Music." However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for
the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics
she recited:
Maalox
and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new
dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of
my favorite things.
----------------------------
Friday Apr 29 2005
Red Skelton shared his humor with us for decades. He did so without four-letter words and raunchy antics. Below are his tips for a happy marriage.11. Statistically, 100% of
all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was
"Always".
13. I haven't spoken to my
wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on
the TV?......." I said, "Dust."
----------------------------
Thursday Apr 28 2005
Hangover Rating System
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas
and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &
fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late
and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
----------------------------
Wednesday Apr 27 2005
Unsuccessful pick up lines
1)
I wish you were a door so I
could bang you all day long.
2) Nice legs... What time
do they open?
3) I may not be the best looking
guy in here, but I'm the only
one talking to you.
4) I'm fighting the urge to make
you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.
5) You might not be the best
looking girl here, but beauty is
only a light switch away.
6) You must be the limp doctor
because I've got a stiffy.
7) I'd walk a million miles for
one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do
with your tongue.
8) If it's true that we are what
we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
9) Do you believe in love at
first sight or should I walk by
again?
10) I know milk does a body
good, but DAMN, how much have
you been drinking?
----------------------------
Tuesday Apr 26 2005
THE RABBIT
(For people that don't speak English as a first language....."Hare" is another word for rabbit.....and "Hare" sounds just like "Hair")
----------------------------
Monday Apr 25 2005
Words of Wisdom from Homer Simpson.You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an electrified fooling machine.
First you tell me not to buy the pony, now you're telling me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, writing to TV Guide and renewing TV Guide.
In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Yes, honey, just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?
Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whizz.
There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Consider them smacked and hugged. I don't consider it a message if it's not mixed anyway.
If God had wanted me to go to church for an hour a week, he would have made the week an hour longer.
Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable Hellions, pardon my French, but they act like savages! Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did, you're everywhere, you're omnivorous.
It's because they're stupid. That's why everyone does everything.
Hallucinations
again? I probably shouldn't have
eaten that packet of powdered
gravy I found in the
parking lot.
This gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day, then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?
Why, you could wake up tomorrow and be dead.
You gave both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving.
With $10,000, we can be millionaires!
Ah, beer. My love for you will never die.
The fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose—it's how drunk you get.
Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike—you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please Superman—help me!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy.
And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
(Praying) Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy bidding will be done.
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
Internet! Is that thing still around?
Trying is the first step towards failure.
All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college.
America's health care system is second only to Japan...Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.
A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
Bart, you're saying "butt-kisser" like it's a bad thing!
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.
Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos.
I hope I didn't brain my damage.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.
If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.
I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
Can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch my self in two places at once.
Stupid risks make life worth living.
How come the bear can crap in the woods and I can't?
I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood.
Stupid T.V. Be more funny.
A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
It is better to watch things than to do them.
I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
Now I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking.
Let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.
Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.
I may be naked and reeking with panda love, but I have my dignity.
I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!
Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep—in a blender.
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a cue tip!
I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. SMRT.
There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!
Marge, tonight we're gettin' drive-thru and doin' it twice!
The winner will be praised with riches, the loser will be booed until my throat is sore.
Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Note to self. Stop doing anything.
Florida. That's America's wang.
If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around.
Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President.
Who needs new music? We all know rock music attained perfection in 1974.
I'm just trying to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus.
Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.
----------------------------
Sunday Apr 24 2005
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."--------------------------
Saturday Apr 23 2005
--------------------------
Friday Apr 22 2005
He makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.----------------------------
Thursday Apr 21 2005
Woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results, On her way home from her final release by the doctor she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?""About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weights each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."----------------------------
Wednesday Apr 20 2005
One of the ladies of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
----------------------------
Tuesday Apr 19 2005
Get your mind around this one!!!!
***********************************************
The next time you
hear a politician use the word "billion," casually, think
about whether you want the politician spending your tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of
its releases:
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate
the government spends it.
----------------------------
Monday Apr 18 2005
THE POODLE & THE LEOPARD----------------------------
Sunday Apr 17 2005
THE PERKS OF BEING 50+1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
----------------------------
Saturday Apr 16 2005
History of the middle finger----------------------------
Friday Apr 15 2005
26 reasons why men have 2 dogs:1.The later you are, the
more excited the dogs are to see you.
2.Dogs will forgive you for
playing with other dogs.
3.If another dog is
gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4.Dog's don't notice if you
call another dog by the wrong name.
5.Dogs like it if you leave
alot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never
visit.
7.Dog's do not hate their
bodies.
8. Dog's agree that you
have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their
snooping outside, not in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive
you.
11. Dogs can't talk back.
12.You never have to wait
for dogs, they are ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find it amusing
when you're drunk off your butt.
14.Dogs like to go fishing
and hunting.
15. Another man will seldom
steal your dog.
16.A dog will not wake you
up in the middle of the night and ask you,"if I died , would you get
another dog?"
17.If a dog has babies, you
can put an add in the paper and sell them or give them away.
18. A dog will let you put
a studded collar on them and they won't call you a pervert!
19. A dog won't hold out on
you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another
dog, they don't get mad at you. They just think it's interesting.
21.On a road trip, a dog
never insists on turning up the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine
articles guide their lives.
23.When a dog gets old, you
can put it to sleep.
24.Dogs like to ride in the
back of a pick up truck.
25.Dogs are not allowed in
Bloomington's or Neiman -Marcus!
26.and last but not least,
if a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff or clear out your bank
accounts!
----------------------------
Thursday Apr 14 2005
Instead of a joke today....I'm presenting links to 4 different
Internet based clocks.....these are all quite creative and amusing.
Open the different links below to see the clocks.
http://t2.technion.ac.il/~snoom/c2.swf
http://t2.technion.ac.il/~snoom/cable_clock.swf
http://t2.technion.ac.il/~snoom/3dc2.swf
http://t2.technion.ac.il/~snoom/hand.swf
----------------------------
Wednesday Apr 13 2005
Wife, writing in her diary:
Dear Diary,
Day 1
We just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the
bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and
he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I
don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change
soon.
Day 4
I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes
Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think
this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra Pills, hoping
to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's
exercising his new found MANHOOD.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't
think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing
the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacke. I'm
also getting a bit sore.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What
am I going to do?
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death here. It's like living with a Black
and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed. He's a
complete PIG.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even
washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous..
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed
with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" thing again, I'll kill the b*stard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our
friends don't come over any more.
Day 16
The b*stard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the
bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and
going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference...Sh*t! Here he comes again!
Day 18
Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy b*stard just sits there in front
of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to
do everything for him. What absolute bliss
----------------------------
Wednesday Apr 13 2005
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO
MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his
years)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
-- Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very
good morals)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them.
-- Mike Schaffer, age 4 (bless you
child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
----------------------------
Tuesday Apr 12 2005
A Collection of Jokes to Offend Everyone
What's the
best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the
difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the
difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
Why is it so
hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
What's the
difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe
this crap."
----------------------------
Monday Apr 11 2005
Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument
----------------------------
Sunday Apr 10 2005
Hallmark cards you won't see
----------------------------
Saturday Apr 9 2005
Attempted
Crime Spree
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree
in Washington USA appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due
to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his
terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A
gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a
marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having
coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target
pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police
officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 cal Desert Eagle,
assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom
also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge
cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
Here we are at the beginning of April and we already may
have the 2005 winner of the Darwin Award.
----------------------------
Friday Apr 8 2005
Thirty Reasons why men have two dogs and not two wives
1. The
later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of
you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you
get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for
free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just
think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And last........ but not least:
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
----------------------------
Thursday Apr 7 2005
California's
Secession letter to President Bush
Dear
President Bush:
Congratulations
on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit
ticked off here in
We
spoke to God, and She agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost
everybody and especially to us in the new country of
So
you get
We
get about two-thirds of the tax revenue and you get to make the red states
pay their fair share. Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the
Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms to support and we know how much you like that.
Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck,
the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs.
Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving
Just
so we're clear, the country of
Anyway,
we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope,
that you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously.
Sincerely,
Californians
Neil
----------------------------
Wednesday Apr 6 2005
How to tell
the difference between Liberal (Democrats),
Conservatives (Republicans)
and Albertans (Texans)
in Canada?
(Texans)
in Canada?
Answer:
Pose the following question:
You're
walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around
the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40,
and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?
Liberal
Answer:
Well,
that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man
look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife
think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say
about this situation? Does the Glock have
appropriate safety built into it? Why am
I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible
he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me,
or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and
hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call
Conservative
Answer: BANG!
Albertan's
Answer:
BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....
(sounds
of reloading)...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
----------------------------
Tuesday Apr 5 2005
Wrong thing
to say...
This married
couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby
table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband
asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know
him?"
"Yes"
she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I
left him seven years ago."
"That's
remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long."
Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.
----------------------------
Monday Apr 4 2005
Bartenders Psychology:
Seven
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste;
knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll
send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with
friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has
NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy
target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to
do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help
him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
----------------------------
Friday Apr 1 2005
A precious little girl walks into a
pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe
me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python
weally gives a thit."
