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Saturday Oct 2 2004
Oil
Changing Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil
Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in
back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with
drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant
chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step
23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
----------------------------
Friday Oct 1 2004
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.2. It's important to have a woman
who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman
who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman
who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
----------------------------
Wednesday Sept 29 2004
Instructions
on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in
the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You
may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
----------------------------
Tuesday Sept 28 2004
THE
SWEET NEW BRIDE
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are
you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of
saying was, "Yes, lollypop. But at the bar.....you know....they have
frozen glasses.."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
they have those neat little snacks &hors d'ouevres that are really delicious
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
OK? "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in the
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey. ! at the bar.you know.there's swearing, dirty words
and all that.."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie.? "Listen up, d*ckhead! Drink your f*cking
beer in your g*ddamn frozen mug and eat your f*cking snacks, because you are
married now, and you aren't going anywhere!
Got it, a$$hole?"
And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
----------------------------
Monday Sept 27 2004
A
blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their
respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a
black suit boards the elevator. It's evident that the man has dandruff problems,
because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain.
When the door closes the brunette says, Someone should give that guy some Head
& Shoulders.
The blonde then responds, How do you give shoulders?
----------------------------
Sunday Sept 26 2004
The Pregnancy
A twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops
in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair,
impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the
house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells
them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach
villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank
account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the
man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."
----------------------------
Saturday Sept 25 2004
Broadcast Bloopers
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth
during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're
rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
Here is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she
revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."
Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our
resident stylist is here to give our model one."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry
jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word ion', let's see it up
please Carol."
David Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to
expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes,"
he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
Here is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
last night."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."
Beatrice Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when
she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting it
twice a day in my hotel room."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,
inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just
tossed it off."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumac d: "What does it feel like being
rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."
Steve Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships:
"Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside
him."
Chain Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called
Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick for both of
you."
Expert David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques
Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I
have ever seen."
----------------------------
Friday Sept 24 2004
Car Sex Quality Test
Nine compact cars have been tested thoroughly in a competition to search for the
best overall car for sexual intercourse. Each of the contestants were awarded
points based on categories like:
-seat reclining angle
-seat width
-free distance to hand brake
-free distance to steering wheel
-free back seat space with front seats reclined forward
-back seat length
-ceiling height
Inflatable dummies where used in the testing of different sexual positions,
concluding that car space is the most important attribute, over car
conformation.
The top scoring compact cars where:
1. VW GOLF 57 puntos.
2. Peugeot 307 50 puntos.
3. Audi A3 48 puntos.
4. Fiat STILO 47 puntos.
5. Alfa 147 43 puntos.
6. Renault MEGANE 41 puntos.
7. Honda CIVIC 39 puntos.
8. Ford FOCUS 34 puntos.
9. Toyota COROLLA 32 puntos.
----------------------------
Thursday Sept 23 2004
Yet more disaster advice.....in response to yesterdays advice
----------------------------
Tuesday Sept 21 2004
We're
about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn
on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar
blob out in the Atlantic
Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need
to panic.
(2)
We could all be killed.
Yes,
hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Alabama
and Florida. If you're
new to the area,
you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
the possibility that
we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane
preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy
enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these
supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Iowa
and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay where they are. We'll start with one
of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS'
INSURANCE:
If you own a
home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably
well-built, and
(2) It is located in Iowa.
Unfortunately, if
your home is located on a island, or any other area that might actually be
hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell
you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and
that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the
first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Frederick,
I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should
have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if
it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters,
with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal
shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up.
The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely
protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your
house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof
windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They
look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane
winds! You can be sure of
this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Iowa.
Hurricane
Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your
yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool (if
you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise,
the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION
ROUTE:
If
you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's
license; if it says "Alabama"
or "Florida" you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of
having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits.
Instead,
you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a
bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't
evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the
supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the
last can of SPAM. In addition to
food and water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23
flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off,
to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach.
(No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for,
but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of
underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that
you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it
looks cool.)
5. A large quantity
of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went
through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash
or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator
from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course
these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally
important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television
and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the Gulf
and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to
stay away from the Gulf.
Good luck, and
remember: It's great living in Paradise.
:-)
----------------------------
Monday Sept 20 2004
Hurricane
Categories
Category 1: "Wussy." Street signs blow over, bushes and shrubs are
damaged, housecats meow slightly more loudly. Plan for these storms by duct
taping your shrubs, kicking the cat, and shaking your fist triumphantly at
Mother Nature for throwing such a weak-ass storm at you.
Category 2: "Mildly Alarming." Houses moan, some of the sicker looking
trees may fall over, shingles blow off, small children complain. Planning: duct
tape all the sick trees you may have on your property, as well as duct taping Xs
on your windows. This lets the wind know not to blow the glass in. Purchase
bottled water, before everyone else snaps it up.
Category 3: "Deeply Frightening." Houses collapse, mobile homes cease
to exist in any normal functioning sense of the word, dogs fart explosively,
healthy trees surrender. Planning: duct tape everything on your property,
including the dog. Buy plywood and nail it over the windows-after first duct
taping Xs over the glass. Purchase bottled water and bleach. This is so if it
looks like you're going to die, you can add the bleach to the water and drink
it.
Category 4: "Holy Shit." Buildings fall, cars fly through the air,
walls bleed, large sea mammals are carried several miles inland, entire regions
disappear completely. Planning: Cover your entire house with duct tape Xs to try
and fool the hurricane into thinking the whole place is a gigantic window. Nail
as much wood as you can find to the outside of the duct tape. Lock yourself and
your family and your farting dog in the basement with the bottled water and
bleach, and maybe some canned goods, a portable generator, and a gun to ward off
looters in the apocalyptic aftermath that is sure to follow.
Category 5: "The End Of The World." All trace of humanity is picked up
several yards into the air and converted into bite-sized pieces, the Biblical
leviathan surfaces from the depths, hell rises up and swallows mankind whole.
Planning: screw the duct tape. Get into the basement and make peace with your
God, Whomever He, She or It may be.
----------------------------
Sunday Sept 19 2004
SUSPICIOUS
ACTIVITY
A couple lived
near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer
they noticed a
girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't
unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
thing; she
would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around and then
speak to them.
Generally the
people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but
occasionally
someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money
for something
she carried in her bag.
The couple
assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but
since they
didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple
of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that
she only
approaches people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't, and
said so.
Then she said,
"Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go
lie out on the
beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan
went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up
and down with
anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and
then leave. The
man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, is she
selling drugs?" she asked excitedly in a hushed voice.
"No, she's
not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, w
hat is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned
and said, "She sells batteries."
"Batteries?!"
cried the wife with astonishment.
"Yes,....."
he replied calmly. I’ll tell you what she does.”
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>"She sells C cells by the seashore."
----------------------------
Saturday Sept 18 2004
Things
I've Learned Since
my last Hurricane
* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work
without electricity.
* Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller
in their hand.
* Cats are even more irritating without power.
* He who has the biggest generator wins.
* Women can actually survive without doing their hair--you just wish
they weren't around you.
* A new method of non-lethal torture-showers without hot water.
* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful. One
day at a time, brother.
* A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6 pack of soda to a drinkable
temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen
for 8 more hours.
* There are a lot of trees around here.
* Flood plan drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously
wrong.
* Contrary to most Florida natives' beliefs, the speed limit on a
road without a traffic light does not increase.
* Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not
required.
* Just because you're 35 doesn't mean you can stay out as late as
you want. At least that's what the cops told me during a curfew
stop.
* Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14
generators.
* People will get into a line that has already formed without having
any idea what the line is for.
* When required, a Lincoln Continental will float--doesn't steer
well, but floats just the same.
* Some things do keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the
battery remains charged.
* 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than
you, and they are quick to point that out!
* Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
* If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators...I'd be
rich.
* The price of a bag of ice rises 200% after a hurricane.
* Your water front property can quickly become someone else's
fishing hole.
* Tree service companies are under appreciated.
* I learned what happens when you make fun of another state's
blackout.
* MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30%
higher electric bill ?
* Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and
it's worthless.
* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
----------------------------
Friday Sept 17 2004
In
a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from
this
experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink,
smoke
and have sex, you won't have worms."
----------------------------
Thursday Sept 16 2004
Every man's dream come true........................
The other
day I came home from work and was greeted by my wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie, and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
...
...
...
So, I tied her up and went hunting.
----------------------------
Wednesday Sept 15 2004
Upon hearing that
her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her
grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having
sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied
granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the
best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just
the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
----------------------------
Tuesday Sept 14 2004
Though
I Fly Through the
I
Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating
base
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach
3.
(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The only time you have too much fuel is when
you're on fire.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the
ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)
------------------------------------------------------------
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter-and therefore, unsafe
-------------------------------------------------------------
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene
of the crash.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another
expensive flying club.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers
(ATC) and pilots?
If
a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up,
the pilot dies.
--------------------------------------------------------
Never trade luck for skill.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words)
in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that? "Where are we?"
and "Oh No !"
------------------------------------------------------------
Weather forecasts are
horoscopes with numbers.
-------------------------------------------------------
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always
needed to successfully complete the flight.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all
luck; three in a row is prevarication.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mankind has a perfect record
in aviation; we never left one up there!
------------------------------------------------------------
Flashlights are tubular metal
containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of
storing dead batteries
--------------------------------------------------------
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something
was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of
weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots
during WWII:
When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest,
cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as
possible.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Piper Cub is the safest
airplane in the world;
...it can just barely kill
you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley,
Northrop test pilot)
---------------------------------------------------------
A pilot who doesn't have any fear
probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
----------------------------------------------------------
If you're faced with a forced
landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic
and test pilot)
----------------------------------------------------------
If an airplane is still in one
piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author
&aviator)
---------------------------------------------------------
Never fly in the same cockpit
with someone braver than you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
There is no reason to fly
through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk
at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
--------------------------------------------------------------
If something hasn't broken on your
helicopter, it's about to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules:
Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do
not go near the edges of it.
The
edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar
space.
It
is much more difficult to fly there.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You know that your landing
gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi
to the terminal.
----------------------------
Sunday Sept 12 2004
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is----------------------------
Saturday Sept 11 2004
Jokes for
WOMEN
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash
his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?" It
depends," I replied. "What
does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back,
"University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb..
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going
to make you the
happiest woman in the world" The woman says,
"I'll miss you..."
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says
as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I
married you for your
money," she replied.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to
make love to
you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea .. you stand by the ironing
board while I
sit on the sofa and fart.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave
you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
sensitive man
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating
their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy
came to them and
said that because they had been such a devoted couple she
would grant
each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a
trip around the
world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had
airline/cruise
tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female
companion 30 years
younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta
love that
fairy!
AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive
him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for
Strength, I'll
beat him to death. AMEN
----------------------------
Friday Sept 10 2004
The difference between engineers and technicians----------------------------
Thursday Sept 9 2004
1. "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer." -- Bruce Graham
----------------------------
Wednesday Sept 8 2004
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?Scroll
down for the answer...
The perfect
woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading
here. That is the end of the joke.
Men
keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
----------------------------
Tuesday Sept 7 2004
Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners.....
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd
have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come
on over; nobody's home."
I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to
me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work .. I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why
are you doing that?"
He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ....
put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my
briefcase , and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the
sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of
the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting
room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did
everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly. My mother had morning
sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they
sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he
wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked
him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you
think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many
places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off
next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people
kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like
throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is
perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some
rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him,
"How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to
run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room
he leaves a pyramid.. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last
night he went on the paper four times - three of those times
I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth
control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap;
he was in the electric chair.
----------------------------
Monday Sept 6 2004
A
"very well to do" man from Lake Charles, La.
decided to throw a huge party for all of his neighbors.
Amongst the crowd was only one true cajun, named Boudreaux.
After a few drinks, the host said to the crowd "There
is a 12' alligator in my pool, and I'll give 1 million
dollars to whoever jumps in".
Just as he finished his sentence, he heard a splash. There
was Boudreaux, fighting tooth and nail with the gator. After
about 10 minutes, the gator floated up, dead, and Boudreaux
got out of the pool.
"I guess I owe you 1 million bucks", he said.
"No thanks", said Boudreaux.
The host insisted. "I have to give you something. How
'bout a corvette, a Rolex, whatever you want"
Boudreaux replied "Give me the name of the S.O.B. who
pushed me into the pool!"s
Sunday Sept 5 2004
A man goes to the doctor’s complaining of prolonged headaches,The doctor tells him he can cure the headaches, however , the only cure is castration.
“Well…if that is the only cure then I’ll have to do it doctor” says the man.
One week later, the man goes in for the operation and awakes to find he has no more headaches and is feeling on top of the world, on his way home he decides to treat him self to a new jacket, so he goes to a gentleman’s outfitter’s shop and asks to be measured for a new jacket.
“You’re a size 44 jacket” says the tailor.
“Well, Yes I am , how did you know?” asks the man, impressed.
“Its my job to know these things, I am a tailor after all!” replies the tailor
“Yep that’s true” replies the man “I would like the matching trousers too if I could?” he enquired.
“No problem sir, you’re a 36” waist, I’ll get the trousers for you” says the tailor.
“I am a 36” waist how did you know?“ asks the man surprised at the tailor’s knowledge.
“Like I said, its my job, I can tell peoples size just by looking at them” replies the tailor, and off he goes to get the jacket and trousers.
When he returns he asks the man “ Would you like a new set of underpants too whilst you’re here?”
“Yep, why not” replies the man.
“Okay…You’re a 34” in underpants” says the tailor.
“Ah…that’s where you’re wrong “says the man “I’m a 32” in underpants!” he says , pleased with himself that he’s outwitted the tailor.
“Nope, you are definitely a 34” in underpants” insists the tailor
“No way” replies the man “All my life I’ve been a 32”in underpants” he repeats to the tailor.
”You can’t be a 32” in underpants, as they would be so tight they would pinch you balls and give you a headache” replies the tailor.
----------------------------
Saturday Sept 4 2004
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".----------------------------
Friday Sept 3 2004
SMART LITTLE GIRLA teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life"?
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four animals."
The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?
The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
----------------------------
Thursday Sept 2 2004
AIRPLANES VS WOMEN
1. Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3. Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
4. Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5.Airplanes operate inverted.
6. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
7. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
8. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
9. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
10. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you
have flown
before.
11. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
12. Airplanes don't complain if you hose them down.
13. Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other
airplanes.
14. Airplanes can get high without throwing up.
15. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
16. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
17. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
18. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like a woman, it's
a bad thing.
----------------------------
Wednesday Sept 1 2004
Here are the top
nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Summer Olympics:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was
amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse
and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and
father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and
even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I
should think we can
expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice,
the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is
playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them... Oh my
God, what have I just said?"
----------------------------
