Sunday Oct 31 2004The Lord came to Noah, in Canada, in the year 2004. The earth was wicked and over-populated. The Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry.... in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Saturday Oct 30 2004The Gift
Friday Oct 29 2004The Three Laws Of Infernal Dynamics -
Thursday Oct 28 2004Corallaries to Murphy's Law
Wednesday Oct 27 2004Life's Journey
Tuesday Oct 26 2004Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Monday Oct 25 2004Navy Humor
A Petty Officer Second Class,
First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a
park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
give each of you just one."
"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."
HAVE A GOOD DAY!
Sunday Oct 24 2004
sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when
accessing their accounts.
MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.''
Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine, and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required, and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse, and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
Set parking brake, put the window down.
Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
Turn the radio down.
Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open the car door, to allow easy access to machine, due to its
excessive distance from the vehicle.
Reinsert card, the right way up.
Dig through handbag, to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
Press cancel, and reenter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Check make up, in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash, and receipt.
Empty handbag again, to locate wallet, and place cash inside.
Place receipt, in back of checkbook.
Recheck make-up again.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back, to cash machine.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver queuing behind.
Restart stalled engine, and pull away. . . . . . . . . . . .
Drive for 2 to 3 miles. . . . . . . . . . . . .
26. Release Parking Brake. . . . . . . . .
Saturday Oct 23 2004A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
The wife stared at him.
"What the hell is wrong with you?
"You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car."
Friday Oct 22 2004Two navvies are digging a hole for foundations on a building site in London's East end when they uncover THREE unexploded WW2 German bombs. They decide that they ought to inform the police and services so decide to carry one along to the police station, as they struggle along one said to the other what happens if this explodes? Oh we'll tell them we only found TWO was the reply.....
Thursday Oct 21 2004What your groceries say about you
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
She was unloading her items on
the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up
her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied:
"Cause you're ugly."
Tuesday Oct 19 2004A man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Monday Oct 18 2004A cat story,-- You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one.......
Friday Oct 15 2004The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
Wednesday Oct 13 2004Don't ask the witness!
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? "She again replied, ! " Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you b*stards asks that b*tch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a$$es in jail for contempt."
Tuesday Oct 12 2004In school one day little Johnny's teacher asked the class to bring in a story to share with the class. So Johnny brings the story of Joana and the whale.
After sharing his story with his classmates the teacher says to Johnny "Johnny that couldn’t happen that way" and Johnny says "Yes it did happen that way". The teacher says to Johnny "The whale's throat is to small for that Johnny".
Johnny finally giving up his argument says "Well when I get to heaven I'll ask Joana about it". The teacher says to Johnny "What if Joana doesn’t make it to Heaven and he goes to the other place?" and Johnny says, "Then you can ask him".----------------------------
Monday Oct 11 2004An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the American Legion arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
Friday Oct 8 2004
BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is
teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI. She said: "The right name is important."
So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine
1. Nasti Spumante
Actually my entry was "Sam's Shiraz." The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).
Thursday Oct 7 2004
to call the police
Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the
back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people
in the shed stealing things.
he said no.
they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the
"Hello - I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
cause I've just shot them all.
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit,
and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the
police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said
to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
"I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story )
Wednesday Oct 6 2004
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"
"Bring them along as well," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
Tuesday Oct 5 2004
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in
Monday Oct 4 2004The Old Geezer:
Saturday Oct 2 2004
Changing Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Friday Oct 1 20041. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman
who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman
who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman
who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.