Aircraft Resource Center

                                 

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Sunday Oct 31  2004

The Lord came to Noah, in Canada, in the year 2004. The earth was wicked and over-populated. The Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry.... in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
 
Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard.... and no ark. "Noah", He roared, "Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.
 
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go!
 
I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group.  They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space.
 
Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
 
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience.
 
To make matters worse, the Canada Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."
 
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder."You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.
 
"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it"

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Saturday Oct 30  2004

The Gift

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

" You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

" Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"

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Friday Oct 29  2004

The Three Laws Of Infernal Dynamics -

Law One - Any object at rest is invariably in the wrong place.
Law Two - Any object in motion is invariably heading in the wrong direction.
Law Three - The amount of work required to amend either of these conditions is invariably more than you wish to exert.

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Thursday Oct 28  2004

Corallaries to Murphy's Law
 
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends....if they're ok, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

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Wednesday Oct 27  2004

Life's Journey

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting...."HOLY
SHIT...WHAT A RIDE!"

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Tuesday Oct 26  2004

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."  

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Monday Oct 25  2004

Navy Humor

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."

HAVE A GOOD DAY!

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Sunday Oct 24  2004

ATM Banking Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

''Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts.

Separate MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.''

 

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine, and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required, and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.............

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse, and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Turn the radio down.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open the car door, to allow easy access to machine, due to its excessive distance from the vehicle.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card, the right way up.

10. Dig through handbag, to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel, and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make up, in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash, and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again, to locate wallet, and place cash inside.

17. Place receipt, in back of checkbook.

18. Recheck make-up again.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back, to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver queuing behind.

24. Restart stalled engine, and pull away. . . . . . . . . . . .

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. . . . . . . . . . . . .

26. Release Parking Brake. . . . . . . . .

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Saturday Oct 23  2004

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!  We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!  You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!  Never!  Turn them! Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
"You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car."

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Friday Oct 22  2004

Two navvies are digging a hole for foundations on a building site in London's East end when they uncover THREE unexploded WW2 German bombs. They decide that they ought to inform the police and services so decide to carry one along to the police station, as they struggle along one said to the other what happens if this explodes? Oh we'll tell them we only found TWO was the reply.....

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Thursday Oct 21  2004

What your groceries say about you

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

She was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk  standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the  cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk  calmly stated,  "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was  intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly  unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to  her marital status

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did  you know that?"

The drunk replied:
"Cause you're ugly."

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Tuesday Oct 19  2004

A man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.   The man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practised black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.   The man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.   Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."

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Monday Oct 18  2004

A cat story,-- You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one.......

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.  They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered  their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.  They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs with the man in hot pursuit.  Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.  Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

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Friday Oct 15  2004

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.
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Wednesday Oct 13  2004

Don't ask the witness!

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached  her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and  frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on  your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their  backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you  never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I  know you.

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?  "She again replied, ! " Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He  can't

build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is  one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his  wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I  know him." 

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you b*stards asks that b*tch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a$$es in jail for contempt." 

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Tuesday Oct 12  2004

In school one day little Johnny's teacher asked the class to bring in a story to share with the class. So Johnny brings the story of Joana and the whale.

    After sharing his story with his classmates the teacher says to Johnny "Johnny that couldn’t happen that way" and Johnny says "Yes it did happen that way". The teacher says to Johnny "The whale's throat is to small for that Johnny".

    Johnny finally giving up his argument says "Well when I get to heaven I'll ask Joana about it". The teacher says to Johnny "What if Joana doesn’t make it to Heaven and he goes to the other place?" and Johnny says, "Then you can ask him".

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Monday Oct 11  2004

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the American Legion  arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

 "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly,  "and fought in three of my country's wars.  Fresh out of boot  camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-  soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

 "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur.  We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

 "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razorgrass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night.  In a firefight,
 we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

 "Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all Shore Duty, huh?"

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Friday Oct 8  2004

Bargain Wines!

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers  soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of  wine. The world's largest retail chain is
teaming up with E&J Gallo  Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an  affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not  be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their  shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken,  professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI. She  said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go: The top 12  suggested names for
Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur  Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape  Expectations

8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

7.  NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau  des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World  Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine

1. Nasti Spumante

Actually my entry was "Sam's Shiraz." The  beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white  meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

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Thursday Oct 7  2004

How to call the police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the
back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people
in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house? and
he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the
police again.

"Hello - I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
cause I've just shot them all.

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit,
and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the
police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said
to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

"I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story ) 

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Wednesday Oct 6  2004

Grass

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer  said.

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"

"Bring them along as well," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,

"You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said,

"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

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Tuesday Oct 5  2004

Marry Me!
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.  She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."  
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.  One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!"  He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.  You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible!  Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River ."

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Monday Oct 4  2004

The Old Geezer:


The doctor saw his old patient Tom, an eighty-year old farmer.   
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the doctor asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was.  
The doctor then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.  
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Being the wise man that he was, the doctor realized,
that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.  
Wanting his old patient's remaining years to be happy the doctor tactfully suggested  
that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the farm,  
knowing nature would take its own course.  
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one. 

About four months later, the doctor ran into Tom.   
"How's the new wife?" asked the doctor. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The doctor, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."


Don't ever underestimate those old geezers.  

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Saturday Oct 2  2004

Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

 

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

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Friday Oct 1  2004

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.