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Monday May 31 2004
USAweekend.com
Issue Date: May 2, 2004
Of memory and our democracy
As the National World War II Memorial prepares to open, the secretary of State tells how these public spaces help everyone better understand what America is all about.
By Colin Powell
Every Memorial Day, my sister, Marilyn, and I would put on our Sunday best and accompany our parents to Woodlawn Cemetery in the Bronx to visit the graves of family members. Like all kids, my sister and I were happy to have the day off from school, and I can't say we were in a solemn frame of mind. But taking part in that annual rite of remembrance gave me my first sense of the importance of honoring those who have gone before.
I grew up and chose a soldier's life. I lost close friends in war. Later, I commanded young men and women who went willingly into harm's way for our country, some never to return. A day doesn't pass that I don't think of them. Paying homage to the fallen holds a deeply personal meaning for me and for anyone who ever wore a uniform.
In 1990, when I was chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, I took my Soviet counterpart, Gen. Mikhail Moiseyev, around the United States. I wanted to give him a better understanding of what America is all about. We started in Washington, D.C. I especially wanted to take him to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.
But I didn't take him there directly. First, I took him to the Jefferson Memorial. I pointed out a passage from the Declaration of Independence carved into its curved wall. All who have served in our armed forces share its sentiment. "And for the support of this Declaration," Jefferson wrote, "... we mutually pledge our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honour." Then I asked the general to look up. Above the statue of Jefferson, in 2-foot-high letters on the base of the monument's dome, is this inscription: "I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man."
Here, I said, you see the foundation of America, a nation where "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights." I told the general that like Washington, Jefferson and all our Founding Fathers, Americans of every generation are ready to fight and die for those unalienable rights.
Then, to show Gen. Moiseyev the kind of sacrifices Americans are willing to make, I took him to the Lincoln Memorial, where Lincoln's words at Gettysburg are engraved. There, Lincoln said we had fought the bloodiest war in our history so our nation "shall have a new birth of freedom" and so "government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth." I wanted Gen. Moiseyev to see how sacred those words are to Americans.
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The nation's newest memorial, to be dedicated Memorial Day weekend, reminds us in this time of war that "each life given in the name of liberty is a life that has not been lost in vain," Powell writes. |
I showed the general the final lines of Lincoln's second inaugural address: "With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan ..."
I then walked the general part of the way down the Lincoln Memorial's steps to the place from which Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech. I explained that the unfinished work of which Lincoln spoke was still unfinished a century later, so from the very spot on which we stood, King challenged his fellow Americans to make the promise of our Founding Fathers come true for all Americans.
Only now was I ready to take Gen. Moiseyev to the Vietnam memorial. We walked the short distance from the Lincoln Memorial to the Wall. I showed the general how to find someone's name on it. I looked up Maj. Tony Mavroudis. Tony and I had grown up together on the streets of New York. We went to college together. We became infantrymen together. And in 1967, on his second tour of duty in Vietnam, Tony was killed. The memorial book directed us to Panel 28 East, and there we found ANTONIO M MAVROUDIS carved into the black granite. It was an emotional moment for me, and not just for me. Gen. Moiseyev reached out gently and touched the Wall. The infantryman in him understood.
Thankfully, our forces no longer face the prospect of war with the Soviet Union. Today, we are cooperating with Russia's evolving democracy and with other former foes against 21st-century dangers common to us all. Today's deadly threats come from rogue powers and stateless networks of extremists who have nothing but contempt for the sanctity of human life and for the principles civilized nations hold dear.
I do not know or care what terrorists and tyrants make of our monuments to democracy and the memorials we dedicate to our dead. What's important is what the monuments and memorials say to us. They can teach us much about the ideas that unite us in our diversity, the values that sustain us in times of trial, and the dream that inspires generation after generation of ordinary Americans to perform extraordinary acts of service. In short, our monuments and memorials tell us a great deal about America's commitment to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for all.
The haunting symbolism of the 168 empty chairs at the Oklahoma City National Memorial, the heartbreaking piles of shoes in the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum, the carefully tended headstones bearing crosses, crescents and Stars of David standing row-on-row in Arlington and our other national cemeteries -- all speak to the value we place on human life.
The Vietnam Women's Memorial of the three servicewomen and the wounded GI; the Korean War Veterans Memorial's haggard, windblown patrol trudging up the rugged terrain; and the memorial of the flag-raising on Iwo Jima do not glorify war -- they testify to the glory of the human spirit.
The Civil War battlefields and the monument in Boston to Robert Gould Shaw and his 54th Massachusetts Regiment of Negro soldiers who rode together into the jaws of death for the cause of justice tell us of the price past generations have paid so we might live in a more perfect union. They remind us also of the work our generation must do.
This Memorial Day weekend, we will join in celebrating the opening of the National World War II Memorial honoring the great generation of Americans who saved the world from fascist aggression and secured the blessings of liberty for hundreds of millions of people around the world.
Today, their descendants are fighting the global war against terrorism, serving and sacrificing in Afghanistan and Iraq and at other outposts on the front lines of freedom. The life of each and every one of them is precious to their loved ones and to our nation. And each life given in the name of liberty is a life that has not been lost in vain.
In time, lasting memorials will stand where the Twin Towers once etched New York City's skyline, near the west side of the Pentagon, and in the Pennsylvania field where doomed heroes died on Sept. 11, 2001, using their last moments to save the lives of others and most probably the Capitol or the White House -- symbols of our living democracy.
All of us lead busy lives. We have little time to pause and reflect. But I ask of you: Do not hasten through Memorial Day. Take the time to remember the good souls whose memories are a blessing to you and your family. Take your children to our memorial parks and monuments. Teach them the values that lend meaning to our lives and to the life of our nation. Above all, take the time to honor our fellow Americans who have given their last full measure of devotion to our country and for the freedoms we cherish.
Cover and cover story photographs by Cameron Davidson for USA WEEKEND
When Jane initially met
Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her
questions about his life, she asked him about sex. "Tarzan
not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh,Tarzan use
hole in trunk of tree."
Democrat, Republican
or Southern Republican?
What with elections coming up, we should all decide.
Question: How do you tell the difference between
Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly,
a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around
the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you
are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches
you and your family. What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or Oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out
of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built
into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what
kind of message does this send to
society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing
me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he
be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on,
could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed
day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a
few days and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click
Daughter:
"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were
those the Winchester Silver Tips??"
----------------------------
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well,
Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.
Husband
#2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and
get back to me.
Husband
#3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband
#4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband
#5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.
Husband
#6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband
#7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.
Husband
#8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband
#9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband
#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss
him!
But
now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good,"
said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed
Good, Bad & the Ugly
----------------------------
Wednesday May 26 2004
Go
Git Momma!
A hillbilly family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in
a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy, go git yer Momma...."
----------------------------A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
----------------------------
Monday May 24 2004
16) Turtles can breathe
through their butts.
17) On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
18) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
19) Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
20) It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
21) The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight
of all the books that would occupy the building.
22) A snail can sleep for three years.
23) No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
24) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
25) All polar bears are left handed.
26)A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
27) Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
----------------------------
Sunday May 23 2004
PET DIARIES UNCOVERED
As seen in a dog's diary:
8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Day 184 of captivity:
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try
this
on their bed.
Day 185 of captivity:
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
cat
I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
Day 186 of captivity:
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY
power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it
to my
advantage.
Day 187 of captivity:
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies! and maybe snitches. The
dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
----------------------------
Saturday May 22 2004
Top 16 Bumper Stickers You Would
Like To See
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
The proctologist called...they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me,"
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by
itself.
Hang up and drive!!
----------------------------
Thursday May 20 2004
A white-haired
man walks into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young
woman on his arm.
I'm
looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
The
jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced
at $5,000.
"I
don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," the
customer said.
At
that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."
The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"
"I'll pay by check, but of course you'll want to talk with the bank to
make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can
phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday
morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You old bastard,
you lied! There's no money in that account!!"
"Yeah, I know--but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had"????
----------------------------
Wednesday May 19 2004
Hell Hath No Fury Like a woman scorned...
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife
for his young secretary. His new girlfriend
demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar
home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he
prevailed.
He gave his now
ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the first
day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day,
she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of
shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had
finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few
half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain
rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband
returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few
days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything;
cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents,
and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung
everywhere.
Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for
a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the
expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to
work in the house...The maid quit...
Finally, they could
not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even
though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a
buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even
the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to
borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called
the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga
of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her
old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife
had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about
1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to
sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his
lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the
man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving
company pack everything to take to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.
----------------------------
Tuesday May 18 2004
A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh s*%t, it's started." :-D
----------------------------
Monday May 17 2004
One question I Q test......
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's something else that's amusing.....
Some poor guy is
selling his ex-wife's wedding gown, and the story that goes with it is a
crackup. This auction has received 16 million hits.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4146756343%3E%20&item=414
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy
in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV ,so how do the plants grow?
(UK) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how
much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So
its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What
did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia
is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget
it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then
turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the
directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers
like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA) A: Anywhere significant
numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British
politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy). A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at
Christmas.
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter
gatherers. Milk is illegal.
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where
YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a
Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the
brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
20. Q: I was in Australia in 1966 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and
you will still have to pay her by the hour.
21. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but
you'll have to learn it first
----------------------------
Saturday May 15 2004
What, Exactly, Are Cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats
----------------------------
Friday May 14 2004
Two tourists from New York were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching the village of Tatamagouche, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly." The blonde leaned over the counter and said, Burrrr....gerrrr....Kiiiing"
----------------------------
Thursday May 13 2004
A
psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children...
"You all
have obsessions," he observed.
To
the first mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You've even named
your daughter Candy. "He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession
is with money. " Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
"Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is
alcohol". This too manifests itself in your child's name, "Brandy.
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
The lost
son:
A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She
finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:
"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable, it's just that you look so
much like my late son."
"Oh, that's ok," he said.
"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out
'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The
old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man
called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly
smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay
for his groceries.
"That'll be 105 dollars," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few
things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."
----------------------------
Tuesday May 11 2004
MANAGEMENT
Memorandum
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we
assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny People get 30 minutes for Lunch, as they need to Eat more.
so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minute for Lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for Lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a Doctor's statement as proof of Sickness. If you
are able to go to the Doctor, You are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs.You should not
consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
constitutes a breach of Employment.
Thank you for your Loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all Questions, Comments,
Concerns, Complaints, Frustrations, Irritations, Aggravations,
Insinuations, Allegations, Accusations, Contemplation, Consternation and
Input should be directed elsewhere.
Have A Nice
Week!
----------------------------
Monday May 10 2004
LETTER TO A
MOTHER
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my
new boyfriend.
I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and
his big motorcycle.
But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy
in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us
and his friends, who are providing us with all the
cocaine and ecstasies we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to
get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS:
Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that
there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's
drawer...I love you!
----------------------------
Sunday May 9 2004
Here's a clever
one.....
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt,
but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing
that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The
jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing
happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But,
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a
reasonable doubt in
this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict
of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury
returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I
saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
----------------------------
Saturday May 8 2004
OOOOPS!!!
Its good to be man
----------------------------
Wednesday May 5 2004
China
in the eighties. A DC-3 (or similar?) loaded with tourist passengers starts up
and is about to taxi. Then the engines are shut down again. The captain leaves
the cockpit and addresses the passengers: "This plane ill! We take other
plane!"
They all walk over to a DC-3 parked across the ramp. Engines started, and shut
down again. Captain addresses passengers again: "This plane more ill!
We take first plane!"
----------------------------
Tuesday May 4 2004
Four
college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,
they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up
there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying,
they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their
professor after the final and explain to him why they missed
it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend
with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately,
they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare,
and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they
missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
----------------------------
Monday May 3 2004
Sniffing Dog
A man
gets into his seat on an airline, which is about to take off, an
another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats
beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is
looking quizzically at the dog when the second man
explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep says, "Don't mind Sniffer. He's a sniffing
dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne
when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer,
search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for
a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says,"That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again, he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat,
and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says,
"That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of this
and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time, the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes
up and down the plane and, after a while, sits down next to someone. He
then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the
place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly
well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!
----------------------------
Sunday May 2 2004
IMPORTANT
SURVIVAL INFORMATION
For all hikers;
The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears
while in the area. We advise that people wear noise producing
devices such as little bells
on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
We also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a
bear.
It is
also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People
should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear
droppings.
Black bear droppings are
smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
----------------------------
Saturday May 1 2004
The questions:
Over a generation ago, in 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their
day.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately
became of them....?
The answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company,
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the New York Stock Exchange,
Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died
abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
Shot himself......
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also
committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the IGFA Champion and the winner of
the most important Fishing Tournament was Eredio Muqoz, Sr.
What became of him?
He continued fishing and eating his catch until he was 99, died at the
age of 100. He was alert and financially secure at the time of his
death.
The moral of this history lesson:
Screw work........!
GO FISH........... !
