Jokes for July 2004

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies..... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired visas (some for as long as 10-15 years) . Now take Blockbuster Video, for example. You're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of U.S. immigration.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to
Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a
time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel
and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.
The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good,
because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something
to help them keep going.

Do you know what the E-mail said?

These are actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous international institute of answering machine answers.

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here, so leave a message.

5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

Things I learnt in Alabama:

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Alabama.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

And let us never forget, it's not a garden hose or simply hose, it's a "hosepipe" (one word).

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Mamanem means the whole family. ("Are mamanem comin?")

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.

Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.

Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat yet?"

You know you're from Alabama if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car .... for your OWN car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" is

10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, and catsup. No genuine Alabamian ever called it "Catsup". Down here it's "Ketchup" and let's not forget pepper sauce for the turnip greens!

11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for sports.

12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

13. You find 90 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

15. You know whether another Alabamian is from east, west, or middle Alabama as soon as they open their mouth.

16. Visiting Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as "going to wal-marts."

17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example "What kinna coke you want?"

19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

20. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Alabama...and elsewhere around the country.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into water, and he needed the ax to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

A Tennessee mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse." The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

MAN BECOMES FIRST HILL BILLY TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first Hill Billy to get to grips with the concept of irony.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future.

"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

Exercise Program

IF YOU ARE NOT A SENIOR SEND TO SOMEONE WHO IS. >

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM. NOW SCROLL DOWN...

NOW SCROLL UP... That's enough for the first day We don't want to overdo it!!!

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!

A Japanese guy is at the Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan.

While he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.

He counts his money at the counter.

"Wait a minute," he says to the clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for my yen.

What's going on here?"

"Fluctuations." says the clerk.

The Japanese man stiffens and says, "Well! Fluc you too!"

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (Chief Warrant Officer) (ret) (EUCOM)

"Even if Al-Qaeda nuked this place, the Chief of Staff would approve a 4-star visitor the very next day!" GS-12 (US government employee, grade 12) (EUCOM)

"It's basically announcing to the world that I've completely given up." LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand new minivan

"A staff action is like getting an out of state check, countersigned by a fraud on a phony ID: some of the time it clears, but most of the time, you're screwed." Lt Col (USAF)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR)

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"Who are you talking to? ...Hang up the phone!" Lt Col mentoring MAJ (EUCOM) on how to stay in his own lane...

"The hardest thing about having a third child is switching from 1-on-1 to a zone defense." MAJ (EUCOM)

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"The first question I ask myself when tasked to do something that's not obviously and overwhelmingly in my own best interest is, 'Exactly what happens if I don't do it?'"

"No need to tip our hand as to how responsive we can be." CDR (EUCOM) in a passdown to his replacement

"I think that my next set of orders will take me to Iraq. My career's going so badly that I'm considered a 'dead-ender.'" LtCol (EUCOM)

"Let's face it: Africa sucks..." DOS representative (Bureau of African Affairs) at a conference on Africa

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man come to this land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that."

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO!

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grand kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, leave
Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and
Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an Attorney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing' les (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the Sheep are Scared!

USN or USAF?

by Bob Norris

Bob Norris is a former Naval aviator who also did a 3 year exchange tour
flying the F-15 Eagle. He is now an accomplished author of entertaining
books about US Naval Aviation including "Check Six" and "Fly-Off". Check
out his web site at <http://www.bobnorris.com/> <http://www.bobnorris.com/>.
In
response to a letter from an aspiring fighter pilot on which military
academy to attend, Bob replied with the following.

12 Feb 04

Young Man,

Congratulations on your selection to both the Naval and Air Force Academies.
Your goal of becoming a fighter pilot is impressive and a fine way to serve
your country. As you requested, I'd be happy to share some insight into
which service would be the best choice.
Each service has a distinctly different culture. You need to ask yourself
"Which one am I more likely to thrive in?"

USAF Snapshot: The USAF is exceptionally well organized and well run. Their
training programs are terrific. All pilots are groomed to meet high
standards for knowledge and professionalism. Their aircraft are top-notch
and extremely well maintained. Their facilities are excellent. Their
enlisted personnel are the brightest and the best trained. The USAF is
homogenous and macro. No matter where you go, you'll know what to expect,
what is expected of you, and you'll be given the training & tools you need
to meet those expectations. You will never be put in a situation over your
head. Over a 20-year career, you will be home for most important family
events. Your Mom would want you to be an Air Force pilot...so would your
wife. Your Dad would want your sister to marry one.

Navy Snapshot: Aviators are part of the Navy, but so are Black shoes
(surface warfare) and bubble heads (submariners). Furthermore, the Navy is
split into two distinctly different Fleets (West and East Coast). The Navy
is heterogeneous and micro. Your squadron is your home; it may be great,
average, or awful. A squadron can go from one extreme to the other before
you know it. You will spend months preparing for cruise and months on
cruise. The quality of the aircraft varies directly with the availability
of parts. Senior Navy enlisted are salt of the earth; you'll be proud if
you earn their respect. Junior enlisted vary from terrific to the troubled
kid the judge made join the service. You will be given the opportunity to
lead these people during your career; you will be humbled and get your hands
dirty. The quality of your training will vary and sometimes you will be
over your head. You will miss many important family events. There will be
long stretches of tedious duty aboard ship. You will fly in very bad weather
and/or at night and you will be scared many times. You will fly with legends
in the Navy and they will kick your ass until you become a lethal force.
And some days - when the scheduling Gods have smiled upon you - your jet
will catapult into a glorious morning over a far-away sea and you will be
drop-jawed that someone would pay you to do it. The hottest girl in the bar
wants to meet the Naval Aviator. That bar is in Singapore.

Bottom line, son, if you gotta ask...pack warm & good luck in Colorado.

Banzai

PS Air Force pilots wear scarves and iron their flight suits.

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back, they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached. Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain some gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a while, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

----------------------------
Friday July 9 2004

Good, Better, Best

GOOD - Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER - A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST - A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove away. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

----------------------------
Thursday July 8 2004

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere,

the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry,

and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English are not having any fun at all.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this freaking deserted island in the middle of frigging nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping......

----------------------------
Wednesday July 7 2004

RED SKELTON'S BAKER'S DOZEN ON MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake,"

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!

----------------------------
Tuesday July 6 2004

The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and de-greaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company.      It's name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts.    The workers were so pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home.   The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.    The rest, as they say, is history.    It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people.   Only one of them
is the "brew master."   There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year.   It gets it's distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.   Ken East says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.

Here are some of the uses:

Protects silver from tarnishing

Gets oil spots off concrete driveways

Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery

Keeps flies off cows

Restores and cleans chalkboards

Removes lipstick stains

Loosens stubborn zippers

Untangles jewelry chains

Removes stains from stainless steel sinks

Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill

Removes tomato stains from clothing

Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots

Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors

Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes

Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide

Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open

Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers

Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly

Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools

Removes splattered grease on stove

Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging

Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)

Removes all traces of duct tape

One fellow claims spraying it on fishing lures attracts fish.

Cleans and removes lovebugs from grills and bumpers.

----------------------------
Sunday July 4 2004

SHE WAS SO blonde...
.....she thought a quarterback was a refund.
.....she thought General Motors was in the army.
.....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
.....at the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

SHE WAS SOO blonde...
.....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
.....she sent a fax with a stamp on it.
......she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
.....under "education" on a job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

SHE WAS SOOO blonde...
.....she tripped over a cordless phone.
.....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said "concentrate".
.....she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk."
.....she asked for a price check at the Everything For A Dollar Store.
.....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

SHE WAS SOOOO blonde....
.....she studied for a blood test.
.....she sold her car for gas money.
.....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

SHE WAS SOOOOO blonde...
.....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved.
.....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
.....she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
.....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

and finally, SHE WAS SOOOOOO blonde...
.....she had a shirt that said TGIF, which she thought stood for 'Tits Go In Front.'

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Saturday July 3 2004

Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking:

Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

"Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. He dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car … a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner, marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show … let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! So your telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no … I'm just saying, wear an old dress!

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Friday July 2 2004

The US Department of the Interior had to change the wording on the metal bands they used to tag migratory birds. Seems these bands used to have the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." One day they received a letter from a hunter in Alabama:

Dear Sirs:
Last week I shot one of your birds. It might have been a crow. I followed the cooking directions on the leg tag. Let me tell you, It was AWFUL!

The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service." ----------------------------
Thursday July 1 2004

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"