Jokes for Jan 2004

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to Espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write
"For sexual favors"

7. Finish all your sentences with
"in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are.
Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."

12 . Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems
don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and
play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you
can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name,
Rock Hard.

17. When the money comes out the ATM,
scream "I won!, I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner,
"Due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

20. Send this E-mail to someone to make them
smile..Its called therapy...

Harold had been out of school for several years. He had established a
furniture store in Knoxville Tn, and was doing quite well.
He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some
expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried. He scheduled a
buying trip to France. Harold's first day in Paris was very successful and he
found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home.
After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture to
Tenn, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe. The
place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table. Just about the
time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty
chair at his table with a questioning look on her face. He assumed she
wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes". The girl sat down with him.
The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of
French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not
one word of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass
and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes". They sat quietly
enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished, Harold realized it was
nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two
people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by
the hand.
She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant. They went
in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet
corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. Harold
could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to
order for him.
The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it.
After dinner, Harold took a napkin and drew a picture of a
couple dancing.
She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the
band played, whether fast or slow. When the band quit playing and began to
pack away their instruments, the couple returned to their table.
The girl took a napkin and reached for the pen. He handed it to
her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed. Harold Smith is still
wondering to this day how she knew he was in the furniture business.

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

======================================

This blonde goes to her doctor with two red ears. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a
shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh dear!" the doctor
exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back!

Naming the Father in England

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine
excerpts from the forms.

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered
by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but
I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?
Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney -
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not
win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk. We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2004.

******The Year 2010's Pizza Order*****

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

MEN ARE FROM MARS. WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. COMPUTERS ARE FROM HELL

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors. - From the Jargon File.

Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.

"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."

"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." - Joseph Campbell

"To go forward, you must backup." - Cardinal rule of computing.

"If it wasn't backed-up, then it wasn't important." - The sysadmin's moto.

"RAM /abr./: Rarely Adequate Memory."

"The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron."

"All computers wait at the same speed."

"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." - Mitch Ratcliffe.

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand"

"The problem with computers is they do what you tell them." - Attribution unknown.

"Computers do not solve problems, they execute solutions." - Laurent Gasser.

"Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women." - Lord Kelvin.

"586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC."

"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It can't be done; it's a hardware problem."

1.When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2.When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

4.When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5.For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6.To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7.He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

9.A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10.The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11.A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. Murphy's Laws of Computing.

Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

"Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !" - Andrew Rutherford.

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't."

"If a program is useful, it will have to be changed... ...If a program is useless, it will have to be documented"

"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."

"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing." - Dick Brandon.

"Perfection is achieved not when you have nothing more to add, but when you have nothing left to take away." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."

"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !"

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."

"A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken."

"Use the source, Luke..."

"The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time... ...The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time." - Tom Cargill.

"Programming is an art form that fights back."

"Data expands to fill the space available for storage" - Parkinson's Law of Data.

"Whenever you think you have a clever programming trick... forget it !" - My boss.

"Your program is sick ! Shoot it and put it out of its memory."

"You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." - Computer analyst to programmer

"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong." - Norm Schryer

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

"The definition of a hacker ? Someone who, after installing a new program, goes immediately into the [Tools][Options] menu." - Me.

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook.

"Premature optimization is the root of all evil."

"Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence."

"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance." - Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

"Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable." - Ralph Johnson.

"Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software."

"UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus." - Peter H. Coffin

"Linux is only free if your time is worthless." - Anonymous.

"3 Biggest Software Lies:
* The program's fully tested and bug-free.
* We're working on the documentation.
* Of course we can modify it."

"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best."

"Some languages are designed to solve a problem. Others are designed to prove a point." - Bell Labs saying.

"If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in."

"Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it."

"The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in."

"Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code." - Christopher Thompson.

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"Programming is like sex: one mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime." - Michael Sinz

"There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works." - Alan J. Perlis.

"As an ultimate incentive to solve the millennium bug computer problem, China has ordered its airline executives to take a flight on January 1, 2000." - The Financial Times.

"Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface."

"I have NOT lost my mind - I have it backed up on tape somewhere."

"Those who can't write programs, write help files."

"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more user-friendly... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover." - Bill Gates.

"ASCII and ye shall receive."

"The only truly secure computer is one buried in concrete, with the power turned off and the network cable cut."

"Ever notice how fast Windows runs ? - Neither did I."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." - Bumper sticker.

"If you don't know where you want to go, we will make sure you get there." - Microsoft slogan translated in Japanese.

"In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates ?" - Dino Esposito.

"Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight." - Bill Gates.

"...the best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the ComputerScience Center and fished out listings of their operating system." - Bill Gates.

"Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization." - Jon Bentley.

"Windows: Just another pain in the glass."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

Be sure and read this to the end!!! This is a joke.

As much as I hate to get embroiled in political discussions, I am convinced that something must be done,... and we can all help.

Why Are We STILL THERE????

It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there.

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place.

Why are we still there?

We occupy this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing.

Why are we still there?

Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes.

Why are we still there?

It will cost billions to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

And to repeat. Every day we hear of more and more Americans killed in this dangerous land.

It is clear! . . . . . . . .
.
.
.
..

Misbehaving

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So he called out one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called out another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the earth is in decline: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them keep going.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE E-MAIL SAID?

No?

I didn't get one either.

A MAN'S ANSWER TO THE COMMON QUESTIONS A WOMAN ASKS

01. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter? (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure) It's a testosterone thing. Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.

02. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

03. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust "junior" and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

04. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

05. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

06. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

07. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

08. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please...how many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters...Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest...Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

09. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enables us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by sabre toothed tigers, etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with thisinnate ability. Comes in handy for football watching, too.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho...Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Ahhh...buying?

FYI only... appears to be quite a scam!
CREDIT CARD SCAM !!!
**********************
I was called on Wednesday from "VISA" and I was called on Thursday from

"MasterCard". It worked like this:

Person calling says, this is <name> and I'm calling from the Security
and Fraud department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460. Your card has
been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify.
This would be on your VISA card issued by <name bank>. Did you purchase
an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a marketing company based
in Arizona? When you say "No", the caller continues with, "Then we will
be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been
watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500
purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the
credit will be sent to <gives your address>, is that correct?" You say
"yes". The caller continues... "I will be starting a Fraud
investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 800 number
listed on your card 1-800-VISA and ask for Security. You will need to
refer to this Control #". He then gives you a 6-digit number. "Do you
need me to read it again?"

The caller then "needs to verify you are in possession of your card". He
tells you to turn your card over. "There are 13 numbers; first 4 group
is are your card number, the last 3 is the security number that verifies
that you are in possession of the card. These are the numbers you use to
make internet purchases to prove you have the card. Read me the 3
numbers". He then says, "That is correct. I just needed to verify that
the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card.
Do you have any other questions? Don't hesitate to call back if you do".

You actually say very little and they never ask for, or tell you, the
card number. But after I was called on Wednesday, I called back within
20 minutes to ask a question. Am I glad I did. The real VISA security
department told me that it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new

purchase of $497.99 was put on my card. Long story made short, I made a
real fraud report and they canceled closed the VISA card and are
reissuing me with a new card. What the scam wants is the 3-digit PIN
number. By the time you get your statement, you think the credit is
coming, and then it's harder to actually file a fraud report.

The real VISA officials reinforced that they will never ask for anything
on the card that they already know. What makes this more remarkable is

that on Thursday, I got a call from "Jason Richardson of MasterCard"
with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA scam. This time I didn't let him
finish. I hung up. We filed a police report, as instructed by VISA. The

police said they are taking several of these reports daily, and to tell

friends, relatives and co-workers.

Financial Advice for Future Seniors

An interesting concept, I really like this idea!
The scary thing is, it makes so much sense, it actually gets you to thinking of the possibilities!!

NO Nursing Home for me!

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and senior discount of $49.23 per night.

That leaves $138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
3. There is a city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
4. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
5. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
6. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.
9. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
10. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?

So, when I reach the Golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday.Inn

The new Homeland Security Bill has passed and things will be different now. The FBI says new technology will allow them to track Internet surfing using a non-intrusive method that should go undetected by the Internet surfer. For a demonstration, click on the link below....

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

In 2002 a physician friend sent us the following list of howlers supposedly gleaned over the years from various medical charts.

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Here's a "True Friend" concept:

True Friends always pop in to say Hello....

True Friends don't Care if you're a lil' different...

True Friends never fight like cats and dogs...

True Friends will drive you anywhere!.....

True Friends let everyone come along....

True Friends don't laugh at you when you get new glasses...

True Friends help you up when you're down...

True Friends never let you do something you'll
regret when you wake up the next morning!

Me and You are Friends....... You Fight, I Fight........

You Hurt, I Hurt........

You Cry, I Cry.........

You Jump Off a Bridge....

I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb ass!!!!

One day, a doctor in New York who never takes anytime off from his duties at the hospital hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Go to Las Vegas." He thinks nothing of it until a couple of days later when he hears the voice again, "Go to Las Vegas." He continues to ignore the voice until it gets to the point where it's telling him to go to Vegas almost every minute of every hour. Finally, he gives into the voice, hastily takes some much needed time off, and boards the next flight to Las Vegas.

The moment the plane lands, he hears the voice again, only this time it says, "Go to a casino..." Beginning to think that the voice is leading him to something wonderful, he gets off the plane and goes to the first casino he can find without hesitation. As soon as he walks through the front doors of the casino, the voice is back, and says, "Go to the Roulette Table..." So the doctor makes his way to the roulette table as quickly as possible. By now the anticipation of what is going to happen is getting the doctor very excited. As he approaches the roulette table, the voice says, "Bet everything you have on 24 black..." The doctor pushes his way to the front, and throws all he has on the table and shouts, "Let it all ride on 24 black!!!!" The dealer spins the wheel, drops in the ball, and around it goes... Finally the wheel comes to a stop. The dealer calls out, "14 Red." The doctor looks at him in disbelief. At that moment, he hears the voice say, "Sh*t..."

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed,
have you been eating doughnuts?"

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the
passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have
cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That 's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT
UP?!"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

TEST FOR DEMENTIA

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so.....
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it
or are still "with it."

OK, relax, clear your mind and .. begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to
Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the
next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even
overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate, such as Children's World." If you said
"water," proceed to question 3

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from
blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "Green bricks,"
what the devil are you still doing reading these questions????? If you
said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If
you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines
failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third
engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the
plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? . . . in
East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,
you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a
plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't
bury the survivors," proceed to question 5.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how
many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree! If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than
"one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you
are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the
room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two
people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16
people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your "friends" and hope they do better then
you did!

<><>NASA<><>
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a
question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to
translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."

Nothing Personal

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason." Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"

Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"

In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements."

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"

You MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (2003 Version)

Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

You have a relative living in your garage.

Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.

Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

You whistle at women in church.

You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.

You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach

the kids in the backset.

You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.

Doctor's Guilt

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first Doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...............................

"Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

Anyone still wondering why their insurance rates went up?

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 75 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!

It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

Damn women drivers!!!

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in her Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?".

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?".

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

You can check it out (and find out birthdays and ages) at http://www.license.shorturl.com/

For security reasons.....you could try typing in the following into the above URL....

First name : Dan's

Last Name : Mon-key

State : Kentucky

City : Lousiville

Gender : Male

The story of Onestone the Indian Brave.

This was his Indian name given to him because he

had only one testicle. After years and years of this

torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me

Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any

more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot

and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he shagged her all day, he shagged

her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until

Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird

returned to the village after many years away.

Yellow Bird,who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed

when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good

to see you Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the

forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all

night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all

the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?

(You'll love this!!!!)

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You can't kill two birds with one stone.