Jokes for Feb 2004

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.So, I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy you for the rest of your life.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been .

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself
up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give
you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a
moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a
few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited
about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk in time with your stockholders', you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.
----------------------------

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped
and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and
nearly had an accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129." The priest was flustered and apologized
profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to
remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his
hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129." Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh
is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek;
further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a
great opportunity.
----------------------------

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
give you one each." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to
be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I
want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss speak first.
----------------------------
Friday Feb 27 2004

He makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up really early, dresses quietly,
gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his tackle and goes
to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Down the driveway he
goes.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential
downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing
50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the
house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be
bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage,
quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

Then he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To
which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that sh*t?"

FAMOUS PERSON QUOTES

You know "that look" women get when they want sex?
Me neither."

Steve Martin

********************************************

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't
have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen

********************************************

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for
a date on
Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield

********************************************

"There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is
the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner

********************************************

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

********************************************

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns

********************************************

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."

Sharon Stone

********************************************

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods

********************************************

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

********************************************

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush; Former US First Lady (and you didn't think Barbara
had a sense of humor)

********************************************

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

********************************************

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful."

Robert De Niro

*******************************************

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

********************************************

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."

Jerry Seinfeld

********************************************

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house."

Rod Stewart _______________

*********************************************

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. His wife was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day his wife went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Honey," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" She replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."! "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

The letter to the bank below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

With the help of the FBI (or was it MI5?)

At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At the following morning's press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If we were meant to be weapons of math instruction, we would have more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sign that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read my ellipse!' Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks".

BBC reporter Logger Rithem explained, "It's been a hot morning down here at the White House. Lionel Blair is expected to waltz by!"
----------------------------
Saturday Feb 21 2004

A Dad pulled up next to his little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the Dad said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The Dad said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"
Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!" ----------------------------
Friday Feb 20 2004

Basic Rules for Driving in California...

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real California driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in California during rush hour.

8. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. California is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in California to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

12. Remember that the goal of every California driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

13. In the California area, "flipping someone the bird" is considered a polite California salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Have a wonderful day, and drive safe.

PET DIARIES UNCOVERED

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Day 184 of captivity:
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this
on their bed.

Day 185 of captivity:
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat
I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

Day 186 of captivity:
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY
power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage.

Day 187 of captivity:
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies! and maybe snitches. The
dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

A Modern Fairy Tale

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and **very** satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy godmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln deemed it necessary to hire a Private Investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS, SINCE IT'S TRUE OF BOTH PARTIES...............

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were
to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times
they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that,
before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning......
Today you voted for us.!!!!

Reflections During Tax Season / Election year:

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --
Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of
W.J. Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist
(1801-1850)

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
-- P.J. O'Rourke

12) If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal.
If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you
want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't
want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
- Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)

13) In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire
(1764)

14) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you. -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

15) No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is
in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

16) Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. -- (Unknown)

17) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

18) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --
Winston Churchill

19) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

20) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

21) There is no distinctly native American criminal class save
Congress. --
Mark Twain

22) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward
Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked.

These entries are to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but ... the least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

************************

I thought that I could love no other.

Until, that is, I met your brother.

*************************

Roses are red, violets are blue,

sugar is sweet and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

*************************

Of loving beauty you float with grace.

If only you could hide your face.

***************************

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.

This describes everything you are not.

***************************

I want to feel your sweet embrace.

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

****************************

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

****************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

****************************

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

******************************

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

******************************

My feelings for you no words can tell.

Except for maybe "go to hell."

*******************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

A man answers a job ad in the newspaper and is called to an agency in London to find out what it involves. "Well'," says the agent, "Our client runs a travelling bikini roadshow of 20 model girls. They need a man to generally look after the girls when
they travel to glamour spots all over the world. You'd also have to help massage oil into their bodies before the show. They always stay in 5-star hotels, of course, but sometimes there's a requirement for you to share a room with them. Oh,yes, salary's about £100,000 per year and you get 8 weeks paid holiday".

"Sounds ok" said the man "What happens next?"
"Well, the interviews are on Monday, can you get to Glasgow by then?"
"Why Glasgow,? I thought they'd be here in London"
"They are, that's where the queue ends!"

After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists .... Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

At The Welfare Office

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The clerk behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady for overseas holiday trips. The salary package starts at $200,000.00 a year with room for bonuses.

The man said "You're bullshittin' me, man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,

From the ARC, Hyperscale and LSP forums:

Never model naked.

I do, or rather I did, some nights when I can't sleep. I don't wear pajamas and when I was getting ready to take a big exam I couldn't sleep. So I got up to paint.

When I clean my work bench I push everything back, but as I work, everything kind of creeps toward me. I keep picking up new models and paints and setting them down closer and closer to me, as I go. I usually work on 3 things at a time, so while one is drying, I can go onto the second thing, and by the time I get done with the third, the first is ready for more work. So after a couple hours, I am working on the front 2 inches of the bench. My cat wonders in to keep me company, because she can't sleep either.

Never model naked with cats in the room.

So anyway, the tip of the superglue had gotten plugged up, so I took off the top and used a toothpick to get glue out of the bottle, and glue up some termis. Then I forgot to put the cap back on. But that's OK because the xacto knife I used to scrap the flash off the termis is dangling from the front of the desk, on the left side, but basically in the middle.

Never ever leave the cap off the glue.

I go back to painting a bunch of scouts. I reached for the chaos black, which is hard to find, because I have 3 pots, only one with fresh paint, so while I am searching around, I guess I bumped the super glue, which falls down on my poor cat. I don't really notice, until she sits up and rubs against my right foot.

"That's weird, why is she wet" I remember thinking. Then thinking, "that's weird, why is she hot and wet?" as the superglue heats up while it adheres to my bare sweaty, very hairy leg. Did you know that water (i.e. sweat) acts like accelerant? I didn't. The cat is now howling and trying to run away, and in it's panic it starts to claw my other foot. I start stomping to shake the cat off my foot as she uses it for a scratching post and it hurts like hell. I am pretty sure I am cursing a blue streak at this point. I have no idea what to do and the next thing I know, everything is about to get much, much worse.

As I stand up to get the freaking cat off my blood soaked foot, I lean slightly forward and receive the most brutal cut of my life. Remember the knife I left on the edge of the desk? It's the worst feeling in the world, realizing that you may never have children, because you have just received a knife in the junk. It's all the worse because I put my hand on the desk as I stood up so the knife doesn't budge when I impale myself on it. I don't want to get X-rated here, but most torturers won't cut you the way I was cut, ever since the Geneva convention... Work with the idea of a home vasectomy for a few minutes and you get the idea. I forget about the cat and slowly remove the knife with one hand, and hold everything that is supposed to stay inside me, inside.

I call 911 and sit in the bathtub with a towel on my crotch and a cat glued to my foot hanging out of the tub. I think the emergency guys were laughing but I don't remember much because I lost 5 pints of blood and I was out of it by the time they arrived. It took 48 hours to convince them that I was not a suicide attempt, and that I was not a danger to myself or others.

Years later, I look back on this and smile. I realize why I take the game so seriously. Because of the blood, sweat and tears me and my brother wargamers put into it. The cat had to be shaved and am one gonad lighter than I used to be, but I am just happy I survived.

Author's name withheld (for obvious reason's)

New Market Definitions
CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer.

MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting.

BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife
gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling lower.

P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market goes lower.

BROKER ... What my broker has made me.

STANDARD &POOR ... My life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded my stock.

STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets between
them.

FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after I buy stocks.

CASH FLOW ... The movement my money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.

YAHOO ... What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker.

WINDOWS ... What you jump out of when you are the poor sucker above.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is now locked up in a
nuthouse.

PROFIT ... an archaic word, no longer in use.

401K ... now known as only a 201k

A woman and her husband are getting ready for bed. She is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, Bob," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist (wishful thinking!), my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to Bob and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

They hope to bring him out of ICU in a few day......

In SC, where I live, I was having trouble getting my truck
registered. Evidently, there was an alleged hit and run that had to be
cleared up before I could get tags. It turned out to be nothing and
after that was rectified, the woman on the other end of the phone (at the
DMV) told me that "all we need now is a letter from you stating that you
have no other vehicles registered in South Carolina."

        "And where, pray-tell, would I get that information?", I asked
politely.....

        "From the DMV.", she said, without skipping a beat.

        *pause*

        "And where again do you work?" I asked.

        *pause*

        "So, you want me to get a letter from the DMV stating I have no
other vehicles registered in SC, so I can send that letter to the DMV?"

        (really, I had to spell it out like that)

        *pause*

        I received no answer and the line disconnected.

IDIOTS IN QUALITY SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,
"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars"
and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"