Jokes for Dec 2004

15 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

13. Your friends love you anyway.

14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

15. Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

To impress a woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

To impress a man:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings and beer. Don't block the TV.

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love. Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!

Fireman

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumptin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire Station, Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we ready to go.

From now on, when I say 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell two', you jump on de bed. When I say 'Bell three', we gonna mek love all tru denight."

The next night he came home and shouted

"Bell One" and she stripped naked.

"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed.

'Bell Tree', and they started to make love. After a few minutes his wife yelled out "Bell Four".

"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"

She replied "Roll out more hose, man, you nowhere near de fire.

Mature Lovemaking

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January".

Doctors

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is
necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus
of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

A guy walks into a bar in The Ozarks and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"

Aviator Humor

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).
   -------------------------------------------------------------------
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)
------------------------------------------------------------
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
   -------------------------------------------------------------
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
   ---------------------------------------------------------------
Without ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.    -----------------------------------------------------------
What is the one similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies.
   --------------------------------------------------------
Never trade luck for skill.
   --------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Uh oh!"
   ------------------------------------------------------------
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
   -------------------------------------------------------
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
   -------------------------------------------------------
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
   -------------------------------------------------------
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
   ---------------------------------------------------------
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
   ------------------------------------------------------------
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries

--------------------------------------------------------
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
   -----------------------------------------------------------
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
   -------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
   -------------------------------------------------------
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
---------------------------------------------------------
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
----------------------------------------------------------
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
----------------------------------------------------------
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bugger down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
   ---------------------------------------------------------
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
   ------------------------------------------------------------------
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

New German Beer Claims to Be Anti-Aging Tonic

March 10 It may just be the ultimate two-in-one beauty product. A new German beer claims to be an anti-aging tonic.

Klosterbraueri Neuzelle, a former monastery brewery in Neuzelle, Germany, says it has developed a beer named Bathbeer that is designed to slow the aging process. The beverage contains vitamins, minerals and an algae called spirulina.

The beer, which is expected to be introduced this week, claims to provide rejuvenation through either drinking or dabbing on the skin. In addition to Germany, it will be released in the United States, Poland and South Korea.

The drink, like any other alcoholic beverage, can cause intoxication and, of course, hangovers. "Please be advised, that our anti aging beer contains alcohol, 4.8 percent," the label says.

Interestingly, one problem with the beer is that its manufacture might not be legal under Germany's beer purity regulation. The Reinheitsgebot, as it is called, is the world's oldest valid law, dating from 1516. It requires that beer contain only four ingredients: hops, barley, yeast and water.

The matter is expected to be taken up in court soon, and the brewery could be required to label the product something other than beer.

As for whether or not it really does work as any anti-aging tonic, if the brew doesn't do anything when you dab it on your skin, you can always go the traditional route and use it to drown your sorrows.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them....

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course sir, Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up" The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.

There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Why, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?

Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

THE SANDS OF CHRISTMAS
By Michael Marks

I had no Christmas spirit when I breathed a weary sigh, and looked across the table where the bills were piled too high.

The laundry wasn't finished and the car I had to fix, My stocks were down another point, the Chiefs had lost by six.

And so with only minutes till my son got home from school
I gave up on the drudgery and grabbed a wooden stool.
The burdens that I carried were about all I could take,
and so I flipped the TV on to catch a little break.

I came upon a desert scene in shades of tan and rust,
No snowflakes hung upon the wind, just clouds of swirling dust. And where the reindeer should have stood before a laden sleigh, eight Humvees ran a column right behind an M1A.

A group of boys walked past the tank, not one was past his teens, their eyes were hard as polished flint, their faces drawn and lean.
They walked the street in armor with their rifles shouldered
tight, their dearest wish for Christmas, just to have a silent night.

Other soldiers gathered, hunkered down against the wind,
To share a scrap of mail and dreams of going home again. There wasn't much at all to put their lonely hearts at ease, They had no Christmas turkey, just a pack of MREs.

They didn't have a garland or a stocking I could see,
They didn't need an ornament--they lacked a Christmas tree. They didn't have a present even though it was tradition, the only boxes I could see were labeled "ammunition."

I felt a little tug and found my son now by my side,
He asked me what it was I feared, and why it was I cried.
I swept him up into my arms and held him oh so near
and kissed him on the forehead as I whispered in his ear.

"There's nothing wrong my little son, for safe we sleep tonight, our heroes stand on foreign land to give us all the right, to worry on the things in life that mean nothing at all, instead of wondering if we will be the next to fall."

He looked at me as children do and said it's always right, to thank the ones who help us and perhaps that we should write. And so we pushed aside the bills and sat to draft a note, to thank the many far from home, and this is what we wrote:

"God bless you all and keep you safe, and speed your way back home. Remember that we love you so, and that you're not alone. The gift you give you share with all, a present every day, You give the gift of liberty and that we can't repay.

Copyright 2003 Michael Marks "I freely submit this poem for reprint without reservation--this is an open and grateful tribute to the men and women who serve every day to keep our nation safe."

Children And The Church

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
----------------------------

A HILL BILLY CHRISTMAS JOKE
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.''

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter
hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field.
Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.
She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for
the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, Placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the
ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't
covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice.
Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was
extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right
place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!

1. Name the Beatles.
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________

8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, ______G._______.

12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____ _________?"

13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh,huh...yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____."

14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.

15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ ______.

16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ____ ____ ____ ___ ____. I'm Popeye the sailor man."

17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______ ______.

18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ___."

19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics."Just think, you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."

20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, ____ ____,____ ____ ____."

25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today. ____! ____ ____ ____ ____."

26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ____ ____."