Tuesday Aug 31 2004
cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and
sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, so it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife made me join the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Saturday Aug 28 2004
Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead
in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said,
"Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.
Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Friday Aug 27 2004
Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Thursday Aug 26 2004
A good looking biker
stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware
store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the
feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases
The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, and carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Wednesday Aug 25 2004
Next time you have a
bad day at work, think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation
diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater
repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my "office" lies at the
bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself,
"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Tuesday Aug 24 2004
Two Hill Billy hunters got a pilot to fly them from St John's, Newfounland, up into Labrador to hunt moose. They were successful and bagged two moose.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said that the plane could only take one moose. The two lads strongly objected saying, "Last year we also shot 2 and the pilot let us put them both on board. It was the exact same type of plane with the same capacity and they took off from that same lake."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and both were loaded. However, upon take-off the little plane nicked the tree tops it and they crashed in the bush.
Dazed and climbing out of the wreck one Hill Billy asked the other, "Where are we?"
The second one said, "I think about 500 yards further than we got last year."
Monday Aug 23 2004
little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as
he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Sunday Aug 22 2004
There was this fellow from Eastern Kentucky who had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
Saturday Aug 21 2004For all of you cat lovers (and non-cat lovers)...this is hilarious. And if you laugh, you're as sick and demented as I am!
Calling in sick to
work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I
always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent
occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth
was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on the top of my head.
One morning I was
taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out
to me from the kitchen, "Honey, the garbage disposal is dead
again. Please come reset it."
"You know where
the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam, "Reset it yourself!"
scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in? C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came,
dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity
would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my
head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I
remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any
respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal,
drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who
discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging
between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I
was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational
thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a
violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from
my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight
or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up
into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife
and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in
this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck
naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their
work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter....
Somehow I lived
through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the
office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
talk about. Which it was.
matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew... ----------------------------
Friday Aug 20 2004 "Do you
realize what time it is?" she said angrily. He answered,
"Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for
the house." Immediately her
attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him
halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house,
dear?" His answer was
"A round of drinks!" ----------------------------
Thursday Aug 19 2004 For
those of you who DON'T live in California - EVERY SINGLE ONE of
these are true!!! (Not really - but WAY too close) ----------------------------
18 2004 Female
Training Seminars 1.
Elementary Map Reading ----------------------------
Tuesday Aug 17 2004
So as to not be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if :
1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible,
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house,
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English,
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze,
5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor,
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian,
9. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears,
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast,
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S,
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps, and you don't even notice,
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks' wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney,
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment,
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH,"
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class,
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers,
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents . . .
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists . . . and lastly,
24. The Terminator is your governor.
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty....... Deal With it"
8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "'Me Too' Equals I Love You"
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good"
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"
24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
1. When de-canting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable , say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession.
Friday Aug 20 2004Why was he late?
"Do you realize what time it is?" she said angrily.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was "A round of drinks!"
Thursday Aug 19 2004
those of you who DON'T live in California - EVERY SINGLE ONE of
these are true!!! (Not really - but WAY too close)
Wednesday Aug 18 2004
Elementary Map Reading
Tuesday Aug 17 2004Social Tips for Hill Billies
Sunday Aug 15 2004
young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with
no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour
late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
Saturday Aug 14 2004
lady went into a bar in FT. Worth and saw a cowboy with
his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever
seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about
men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered .. take the money and buy yourself
some boots that fit
Friday Aug 13 2004
Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
His father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down
the horse's legs, rump,
and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
Thursday Aug 12 2004
problem with America is stupidity.
I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
Wednesday Aug 11 2004
all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need
to take it out on someone - don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
He replied "Wrong number asshole" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
Down the road days later, I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1. "Hello?" You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, Asshole, a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.
Now, I feel better...
Masquerading as a normal person, day after day, is exhausting....
Tuesday Aug 10 2004
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The Man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day having sex with the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the lorry and one of them is beeping the horn."
Monday Aug 9 2004
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Saturday Aug 7 2004WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
Friday Aug 6 2004
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the elderly woman overboard.
searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the man
back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as
they found something.
weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the
ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her was an oyster
and in it was a pearl worth $50,000, Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Thursday Aug 5 2004
YOU KNOW IT'S JULY IN
THE SOUTHERN USA WHEN...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Wednesday Aug 4 2004
NEWS FLASH *******
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of men, who kicked the sh*t out of him
young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night
and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state,
he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down-sizing and it's effects on a 50-year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,
"If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!
Men have no idea when to keep their mouth shut.
Monday Aug 2 2004
One day, a poor boy who
was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school,
found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.
He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.
He drank it slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said..... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange
light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special
attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won.
Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words.....
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..
Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!"