A Guy Named Roger


 The value of effective communication in a meaningful relationship.......

 A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
   
 And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?
   
 And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of commitment that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
   
 And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
   
 And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
   
 And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
   
 And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
 fantasy.
  
 And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
   
 "Roger", Elaine says aloud.
   
 "What?", says Roger, startled.
   
 "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
   
 "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
   
 "There's no horse?" says Roger.
   
 "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
   
 "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
   
 "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time", Elaine says.
   
 (There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
   
 "Yes," he says.
   
 (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
   
 "Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
   
 "What way?" says Roger.
   
 "That way about time," says Elaine.
   
 "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
   
 (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
   
 "Thank you, Roger", she says.
   
 "Thank you," says Roger.
   
 Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the
 car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
   
 The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
 every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
   
 Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?"

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Thursday Apr 29   2004

An old couple were sitting on the front porch after a nice diner out to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

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Wednesday Apr 28   2004

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out
that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would
never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes downstairs to look for him.  He sees him banging his
head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the 'R', We forgot the
'R'." His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."

----------------------------
Tuesday Apr 27   2004

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. These are the 2002 winners:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a doctor immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

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Monday Apr 26   2004

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing only requires 4 correct answers out of ten)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The  Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Write down your answers and compare it to the
correct answers below.  Be honest and tell me
how many you got right.  Don't lie to me, okay?

All done?  Check your answers below!


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
     *116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
     *Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
     *Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
     *November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
     *Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
     *Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
     *Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
     *Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
     *New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black  box in
     a commercial airplane?
     *Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?

Pass this on to some other brilliant friends.

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Sunday Apr 25   2004

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other. 

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Saturday Apr 24   2004

Rampant rhino gets amorous with car

LONDON (Reuters) - A rampant rhinoceros gave a group of visitors a glimpse of nature in the raw at a safari park when he tried to have sex with their car.

Sharka, a two-ton white rhino, got amorous with Dave Alsop's car when he stopped with three friends to take pictures of the animal mating with his partner Trixie at the West Midland Safari Park.

The 12-year-old rhino tried to mount the Renault Laguna from the side, denting the doors and ripping off the wing mirrors before Dave drove away with a puffing Sharka in pursuit.

"He was a big boy and obviously aroused," Alsop told the Sun on Thursday. "He sidled up against us. The next thing I know he's banging away at the car and it's rocking like hell."

A spokeswoman for the park, which says "rhinos are not particularly intelligent animals" on its website, said Sharka was a hit with the female rhinos and had fathered two calves in the last five years.

"He's got a bit of a reputation this lad and he was obviously at it again," she added. 

And the moral of the story is - allow the poor rhino some privacy when he's getting amorous!

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Friday Apr 23   2004

North and South

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH 

• In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.  

• Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store .....do not buy food at this store. 

• Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

• Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, air ya?"

• Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

• Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. 

• The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

• The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

• Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

• If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.  It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

• Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

• In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

Why rednecks are not paramedics

A couple of rednecks are out in the Tenn. woods hunting when Bubba suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. 
Billy Bob whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence.......and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, now what?"

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Wednesday Apr 21   2004

The Wrong Cure for Headache

Ever since his late teens Jim had suffered from terrible headaches.
 Finally, in desperation and after years of misery, he sought medical  advice.  Many tests later the doctor sat down with Jim to deliver his diagnosis.   
The doctor said, "Jim, I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration.  
You  have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a  headache. The only way medical science can relieve the pressure is to remove the  testicles."  
Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice ... Cut 'em.
 
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20  years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Jim realized that he felt like a different person -  he could make a new beginning and live a new life.  
Seeing a men's clothing store he thought, "That's what I need, a new  suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The  elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
 
Jim tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Jim thought for a  moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see  ... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Jim was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years!"  
Jim tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Jim was on a roll now and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed his feet and said, "Let's see...  9-1/2 E." Jim was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"  Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably  around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Jim thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Jim's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Jim laughed, "Ah hah I got you!
 
I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."  
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. 34 underwear  would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you  one hell of a headache."

 ----------------------------
Tuesday Apr 20   2004

SUCCESSFUL VETERINARIAN

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.  This went on for several weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity approached her one day. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and since I don't need it all, I give $1000.00 to the church."

The pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said.... "Oh, around $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession, " the pastor says. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

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Monday Apr 19   2004

1949: LONE RANGER ~ Return with us to those thrilling days of yesteryear......
 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."  Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
 
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.  Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.  Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous redhead, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said: 'BRING POSSE!'"
 ----------------------------
Sunday Apr 18   2004

10 Reasons Why Hockey is Better Than Sex!!

10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS

9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD

8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE

7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR

6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS

5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE

4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON

3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY

2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK

1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES   

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Saturday Apr 17  2004

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging
her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower,
rub your nipples and say,

"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies".

So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She
grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and when she was on the bus she
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved
her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in
the middle of the bus, and said,

"Scooby doobie doobies I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by
any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock".  

Order in the Court

 ----------------------------
Wednesday Apr 14  2004

Relationship Marketing 101
People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and
say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

Thats marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's
fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone
number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and
pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast
lightly against his arm, and then say, By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.

He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome
men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!" .

That's Junk Mail.

You see two great looking brothers at a party.
You decide to take them both home.

That's a 2 for 1 sale.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your
breast and grabs your ass .

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You like it, but 10 years later your attorney decides you were offended and
files suit.

That's America.
 ----------------------------
Tuesday Apr 13  2004

New Guy on the Block

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,

"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's"

 ----------------------------
Monday Apr 12  2004

Louisiana Ghost Story

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the Bayou Country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown; when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver’s window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.  

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.  

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, ”Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain.”  

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. 

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.

"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My Gosh, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

(scroll down for the punch line)







"My Rolex!"

 ----------------------------
Saturday Apr 10  2004

2004 Darwin Awards  

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF  BABES

 This is truly a heartwarming  story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction  workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of  people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family  moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew  turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.  The young  family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the  workers. She hung around and  eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,  more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with  her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,  and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.  At the end of the first week they even
 presented her with a  pay envelope containing a dollar.
 The little girl took this home to her mother  who said all the appropriate words of admiration  and  suggested that they take the  dollar pay she had  received to the  bank the next day to start a savings  account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked  the  little girl how she had come by  her very own pay check at such young  age.
The little girl proudly replied,  "I worked all  last week with a crew  building a house."  My goodness  gracious," said the teller, "and will  you be working on the house again this week, too?"
 The little girl  replied, "I will if those useless  b*stards at Home Depot ever bring us the f*cking  drywall."

 ----------------------------
Wednesday Apr 7  2004

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should mak! e things a bit
more clear.

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON....the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to ! pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Now, get back to work!

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Tuesday Apr 6  2004

The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and de-greaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company.  It's name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. 
They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts.    The workers were so pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home.   The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.    The rest, as they say, is history.    It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people.   Only one of them
is the "brew master."   There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year.   It gets it's distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.   Ken East says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.

Here are some of the uses:

Protects silver from tarnishing

Gets oil spots off concrete driveways

Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery

Keeps flies off cows

Restores and cleans chalkboards

Removes lipstick stains

Loosens stubborn zippers

Untangles jewelry chains

Removes stains from stainless steel sinks

Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill

Removes tomato stains from clothing

Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots

Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors

Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes

Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide

Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open 

Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers

Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly

Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools

Removes splattered grease on stove

Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging

Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)

Removes all traces of duct tape

One fellow claims spraying it on fishing lures attracts fish.

Cleans and removes lovebugs from grills and bumpers.

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Monday Apr 5  2004

Hummm....yet more lies about the fairer sex.....when will this end?!?!?!

1.Pass My Shotgun 

2.Psychotic Mood Shift


3.Perpetual Munching Spree


4.Puffy Mid-Section


5.People Make me Sick


6.ProvideMe withSweets


7.Pardon My Sobbing


8.Pimples May Surface


9.Pass My Sweatpants


10.Pissy Mood Syndrome


11.Plainly; Men Suck


12.Pack My Stuff


...and my favorite one...


13.Potential Murder Suspect

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Sunday Apr 4  2004

Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!  


Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.  

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.  

Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it  breaks, it needed replacing anyway  

Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.  

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult  that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.  

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.  

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.  

Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.  

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!  

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Saturday Apr 3  2004

A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman

Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said:  "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, while dining on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't fu***** think so..."

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Friday Apr 2  2004

A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:  "Well, this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime.  So ... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife was deeply disappointed, but a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and ... abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be bastards, but Fairies are female!

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Thursday Apr 1  2004

At age 85, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris, who looks happy and eager. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and he is as fresh as a 25-year old. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"