Jokes for Sept 2003

Why Men Lie

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared.

The Lord asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said
'yes' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Mechanics Dictionary...

HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive breakable parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in mudguards just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that metric socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front mudguard.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4
Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE
Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS
See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple 100 dollars worth of the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short.

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

Favorite flower

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife, Carolyn, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury all-purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

----------------------------
Thursday Sept 25 2003
Remember the Abbott and Costello routine called who's on First? Well this is the 21st century version of that routine....

Who's who for the 21st Century and Beyond!

Abbott: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name is Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name is Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Does it get stuffy?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software that runs on Windows?
Costello: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office.
Abbott: Office for Windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in "office for windows?"
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
Costello: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
Abbott: RealOne.
Costello: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
Abbott: RealOne.
Costello: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Abbott: RealOne.
Costello: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
Abbott: You click the blue 1.
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott: The blue 1.
Costello: Is that different from the blue W?
Abbott: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
Costello: And that word is the real one?
Abbott: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
Costello: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Exactly. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
Abbott: Just one copy.
Costello: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
Abbott: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
Costello: Microsoft can license you to make money?
Abbott: Why not? They own it.
Costello: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
Abbott: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
Costello: Well, what do you sell in its place?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: You sell money?
Abbott: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
Costello: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
Abbott: Simply Accounting.
Costello: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
Abbott: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
Costello: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
Abbott: Mind Your Own Business.
Costello: I beg your pardon?
Abbott: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
Costello: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money.
Abbott: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
Costello: More money?
Abbott: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
Costello: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
Abbott: GoBack.
Costello: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
Abbott: GoBack.
Costello: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
Abbott: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
Costello: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
Abbott: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
Abbott: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

VOCABULARY - TEXAS STYLE:

1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
Self-explanatory

13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM BISCUITS.
You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully for the last time. I said, "BRING POSSE".

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4,165.00

Ralph absolutely hated Joanne's cat and decided to get rid of her one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone
who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the £50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the £50.

Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table.

The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs Off with a confused look. Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off

The Jewish Firemen

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money"? "Well," said Ami Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that f*cking truck!"

I sat in my seat of the Boeing 767 waiting for everyone to hurry and stow their carry-ons and grab a seat so we could start what I was sure to be a long, uneventful flight home.

With the huge capacity and slow moving people taking their time to stuff luggage far too big for the overhead and never paying much attention to holding up the growing line behind them, I simply shook my head knowing that this flight was not starting out very well.

I was anxious to get home to see my loved ones so I was focused on "my" issues and just felt like standing up and yelling for some of these clowns to get their act together. I knew I couldn't say a word so I just thumbed thru the "Sky Mall" magazine from the seat pocket in front of me. You know it's really getting rough when you resort to the over priced, useless sky mall crap to break the monotony.

With everyone finally seated, we just sat there with the cabin door open and no one in any hurry to get us going although we were well past the scheduled take off time. No wonder the airline industry is in trouble I told myself.

Just then, the attendant came on the intercom to inform us all that we were being delayed. The entire
plane let out a collective groan. She resumed speaking to say "We are holding the aircraft for some very special people who are on their way to the plane and the delay shouldn't be more than 5 minutes.   The word came after waiting six times as long as we were promised that "I" was finally going to be on my way home.

Why the hoopla over "these" folks?    I was expecting some celebrity or sport figure to be the reason for the hold up......... Just get their butts in a seat and lets hit the gas I thought.

The attendant came back on the speaker to announce in a loud and excited voice that we were being joined by several U. S. Marines returning home from Iraq!!!

Just as they walked on board, the entire plane erupted into applause. The men were a bit taken by surprise by the 340 people cheering for them as they searched for their seats. They were having their hands shook and touched by almost everyone who was within an arm's distance of them as they passed down the aisle. One elderly woman kissed the hand of one of the Marines as he passed by her.

The applause, whistles and cheering didn't stop for a long time.

When we were finally airborne, "I" was not the only civilian checking his conscience as to the delays in "me" getting home, finding my easy chair, a cold beverage and the remote in my hand. These men had done for all of us and I had been complaining silently about "me" and "my" issues. I took for granted the everyday freedoms I enjoy and the conveniences of the American way of life. I took for granted that others paid the price for my ability to moan and complain about a few minutes delay to "me"; those Heroes going home to their loved ones.

I attempted to get my selfish outlook back in order and minutes before we landed I suggested to the attendant that she announce over the speaker a request for everyone to remain in their seats until our hero's were allowed to gather their things and be first off the plane. The cheers and applause continued until the last Marine stepped off and we all rose to go about our too often taken for granted everyday freedoms.........

I felt proud of them. I felt it an honor and a privilege to be among the first to welcome them home and say Thank You for a job well done.   I vowed that I will never forget that flight nor the lesson learned. I can't say it enough, THANK YOU to those Veterans and active servicemen and women who may read this and a prayer for those who cannot because they are no longer with us.

GOD BLESS AMERICA! WELCOME HOME! AND THANKS FOR A JOB WELL DONE !!!!!

This is a ribbon for soldiers fighting in Iraq. Pass it on to everyone and pray.

Only Dog owners can really appreciate a letter like this

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

There is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, he/she's a dog. To me, he/she's an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. **Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary---that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put your name on the waiting list.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game, University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum******************** - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum******************** - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
" The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons.
Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the mater? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Who to Marry

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was quite impressed.

The second women goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive new clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is much impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.

Finally, the guy's side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends give you.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that.......it's like camping.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, By the love of her shining bright star.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them,

My heart goes out to the families and especially the children and their lifetime of loss.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched
on a bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

Having already had a few power pops, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter.

I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."

He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

In his book, "Sled Driver," SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace.

Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.

"90 knots" Center replied. Moments later,a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots" Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day...as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause ... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

----------------------------------------

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared ....

A fighter pilot sat down at the "O" Club bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him and turned to the man in the flight suit and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying jets, deploying overseas, going to fighter and weapons schools, dodging SAMs, jinking through dog fights, wearing big watches, and strapping into F-8's, F-4's, F/A-18s, F-14s and performing Air Combat Maneuvers, shooting down airplanes, bombing the enemy, so, you bet, I'm a fighter pilot and a damn good one."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the pilot and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"

TO KEEP YOU CURRENT WITH IRAQI AFFAIRS
--------------------------------------------------------------
SADDAM'S EXTENDED FAMILY
Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:
Sooflay .............the restaurateur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-Mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute.

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled with flours as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife, They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:25 for 20 minutes.

Many stories have come to us from the tragic sinking of the great ship, the Titanic. Some are not as well known as others. Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. To date this would have been the largest shipment ever exported to Mexico.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so, that they declared a National Day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

"If you will sign over your life and your soul to me and those of your wife and three children, I will make you a full partner in that law firm you work in."

COMPUTER KNOWS

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in: "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .

"HEBREWS"