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Friday Oct 31 2003
Halloween party
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush
your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9)
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I
can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're Down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
----------------------------
Tuesday Oct 28 2003
Here's a joke in honour of the Czech Republic National Day
A woman arrived at the Gates
of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she
peeked through the gates and saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting
all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and
who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to
her "Hello, How are you? We've been waiting for you! Good to see
you!" When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You
have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which
word?" the woman asked. "Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed
her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and
asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the
woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, unexpectedly her husband
arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her
husband told her. "I married the young nurse who took care of you
while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery, sold the
little house you and I lived in and bought a much bigger one. We were
both on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and
hit my head and well, here I am … what a bummer … how do I get
in?"
"You have to spell a word," his wife told him. "Which
word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to
pay later.
----------------------------
Monday Oct 27 2003
25 Truths of Life
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
----------------------------
Sunday Oct 26 2003
She was
soooooooo blonde
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here", she wrote "Sagittarius."
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can, because it
said "Concentrate."
She studied for a blood test.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
Left", she turned around and went home.
----------------------------
Saturday Oct 25 2003
The Washington Post publishes a
yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
various words. The following were some of this year's winning entries......
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes upon the
roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
----------------------------
Friday Oct 24 2003
AAADD, Anyone relates to this?
Recently I was diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find a can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
----------------------------
Thursday Oct 23 2003
Smelly Feet
vs Bad Breath
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not
even each other.
The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of
my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly
feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet
as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to
him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her
mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath
is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the
morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that
my fiancee will
not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of
bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy
eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a
word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had
received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they
managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that
one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically
searches the bed.
This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on
earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my God" he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
----------------------------
Wednesday Oct 22 2003
Norman and
his blonde wife...
Norman and his blonde wife live in Coeur d' Alene. One winter morning
while listening to the KXLY radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are
going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on
the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very
upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know
what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get
through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all of us men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
----------------------------
Tuesday Oct 21 2003
A very
confident Navy fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and
I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about
it?"
The Pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.... "
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing
panties!"
The Navy Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour
fast."
----------------------------
Monday Oct 20 2003
How to shower like a Woman.....How to shower like a Man
How to
Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off
clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and
darks.
2. Walk to
bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband/boyfriend along the
way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at
your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the
shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and
pumice stone.
5. Wash your
hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6.
7. Condition
your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your
face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash
entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse
conditioner off hair.
11. Shave
armpits and legs.
12. Turn off
shower.
13. Squeegee
off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out
of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super
absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits,
tweeze hairs.
16. Return to
bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If
you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
AND
NOW How To Shower Like a Man
1.
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
2.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife/girlfriend along the way, shake
wiener (the helicopter) at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3.
Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and scratch your ass.
4.
Get in the shower.
5.
Wash your face
6.
Wash your armpits.
7.
Blow your nose in your hands with a loud honking sound and let the water
8.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh
9.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11.
Shampoo your hair.
12.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13.
Pee.
14.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
15.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on
16.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
18.
Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife/girlfriend,
pull off towel, wink at her, do the helicopter, and make the 'woo-woo' sound
again.
19.
Throw wet towel on bed.
----------------------------
Sunday Oct 19 2003
The wife wakes up in the middle of the night to find that her husband is not there.
----------------------------
Saturday Oct 18 2003
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double
scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his
shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and
ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all
night
long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before
you order another,"
The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts
to look good, then I know it's time to go home,"
*********************
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like
the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good
with the kids."
*********************
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that
were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
----------------------------
Thursday Oct 16 2003
THREE CANADIAN PRAIRIE MICE
Three mice, one from Manitoba, one
from Alberta and one Saskatchewan are
sitting at a bar after the funeral of a Ontario mouse killed by an eighty year
old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The Manitoba mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto
the bar, turns to the Alberta mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I
lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar
comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an
appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The Alberta mouse orders up
two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses
onto the bar, turns to the Manitoba mouse and replies, "Oh yeah?
When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up
to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz
going for the rest of the day." The Manitoba and Alberta mouse then turn
to the Saskatchewan mouse. The Saskatchewan mouse finishes the beer he has in
front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have
time for this bullsh*t. "Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
----------------------------
Wednesday Oct 15 2003
POSTED: 11:01
a.m. EDT September 3, 2003
UPDATED: 11:03
a.m. EDT September 3, 2003
FORT
WORTH, Texas -- North Texas thieves are on the run with a unique
getaway car.
Tuesday
afternoon, a Plano resident spotted someone hooking up his neighbor's meat
smoker to the back of a maroon pickup.
Boyce Hancock
built the cooker by himself, but this was not just your average smoker.
Hancock and his
wife are big NASCAR fans, and they built the barbeque pit to look like the car
once driven by Dale Earnhardt.
"I don't
think they know what they have ... they're just ignorant," Hancock said.
The neighbor
who spotted the suspected thieves said he was unable to catch the license plate
number of the truck.
A police investigation is ongoing.
----------------------------
Workplace
wisdom
1.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow doesn't look good
either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially
like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and
I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are
the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like
needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first
time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude
problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed
looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress,
but I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of
turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs
of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's
weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a
few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if
you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you
will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up
with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad first thing
in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
21. When bosses talk about
improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
22. If at first you don't
succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damned fool about it.
23. There will always be beer
cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from
the office.
24. Everything can be filed under
'miscellaneous'.
25. Never delay the ending of a
meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
26. To err is human,
to forgive is not our policy.
27. Anyone can do any amount of
work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
28. Important letters that
contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
29. If you are good, you will be
assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
30. You are always doing
something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
31. People who go to conferences
are the ones who shouldn't.
32. If it wasn't for the last
minute, nothing would get done.
33. At work, the authority of a
person is inversely proportional to the number
of pens that person is carrying.
34. When you don't know what to
do, walk fast and look worried.
35. Following the rules will not
get the job done.
36. Getting the job done is no
excuse for not following the rules.
37. When confronted by a
difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
38. The only difference between a
rut and a grave is the depth
----------------------------
Monday Oct 13 2003
Men &
women complement each other by the unique traits we were each given:
Women:
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry
hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love, and joy. They
smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when
they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women
wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy
drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home
moms, bikers, babes, & your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they
wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against
injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the
right schools and to get their family the right health care.
They
go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal and
forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still
know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best
for their family & their friends and themselves.
Their
hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a
family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The
heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just
give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They
give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a
hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
Men: Men are good at lifting heavy sh*t and killing bugs.
----------------------------
Have you noticed anything fishy
about the inspection teams in Iraq? They're all men!
How does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a
blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't
find the dirty clothes
hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and
splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to
search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?
I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out
secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin
bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They
can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid
of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a
quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell
alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell
cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more
about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer
to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide
detective.
So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why
are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to
scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a wooden soup
spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap,
"Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God
help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to
some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh,
huh, and what do you call this, mister?"
Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare
bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of
Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd
cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer. Inspectors my
ass... You want the job done? Call my mother.
AS I MATURE
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you
can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are
just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen
minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think
you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we
are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a
relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are
taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just
never go away.
----------------------------
Friday Oct 10 2003
HOW TO
SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She
is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She
is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She
is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She
has not BEEN AROUND-She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She
is not an AIR HEAD -She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She
does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She
does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -She is SURGICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She
does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She
is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She
does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
************************************************************************
HOW
TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a GRAIN ALCOHOL
STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He
is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He
is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He
does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He
does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He
is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
----------------------------
The next time you have a
problem with customer service or any other business and decide to
voice your complaint in a written piece of correspondence, I submit
this example of a "Flame letter" from a couple in the UK for
your consideration...........
The British have computer problems, too ...----------------------------
What follows is a superb example of British humor in a letter that was
truly written and sent. The piece suggests two things:
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service
from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable
operator in Britain.)
2) The Brits appear to get a better education than most, enabling
them to write some fine letters of complaint.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Cretins...
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to
provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your
professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties --
or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and
drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles
for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both
familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital
tools-such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I
had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the
hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and
most of the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I
will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this
theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold
music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere,
ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive
to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I
therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction
and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the
highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become dessicated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist
at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
Ellen & Murray Savannah
Happy huntin'!
A father and son went hunting together for the first
time.
The
father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the
field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream
and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I
told you to
be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was
quiet when the snake slithered
across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I
didn't
move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes
and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed
the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But
when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them
here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."
----------------------------
Tuesday Oct 7 2003
----------------------------
Monday Oct 6 2003
NEW E-MAIL SCAM TARGETS
BLACKOUT AREAS
WebPosted Wed Sep 24 16:01:41 2003
TORONTO--The RCMP has warned Internet users about a new scam that's coming
out of last month's huge blackout in southern Ontario and the northeastern
United States.
Some people are getting e-mail messages claiming to be from banks
and other financial institutions.
CONSUMER TIPS: Stopping Junk E-mail
The e-mails say the blackout wiped out computer records, and ask the
recipient to send information about their bank accounts and personal
identification numbers.
The Canadian Bankers Association has joined the Mounties in warning
that people should be very careful about their banking information,
especially their PINs.
FROM FEB. 25, 2003: Fake Sympatico e-mail asks for bank information
Copyright © 2003 CBC All Rights Reserved
----------------------------
Sunday Oct 5 2003
A
first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough.. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut.
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry: Bubble gum
Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
----------------------------
Saturday Oct 4 2003
----------------------------
Friday Oct 3 2003
Passengers on a small
commuter plane are waiting for the flight to
leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has
assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight
can take off immediately after
that. The entrance opens and two men
walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark
glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is
tapping his way up the aisle with a
cane. Nervous laughter spreads through
the cabin.
The men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the
windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of
the airport territory.
As
it begins to look as thought the plane will never take off and will
plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. But at that
moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into
their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot
turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and
we're all gonna die."
----------------------------
Thursday Oct 2 2003
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children.
----------------------------
Wednesday Oct 1 2003
Murphy's Hat
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so
glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I
misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat . I know that McGlynn had
one just like mine and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I
also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he
would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy,! I notice that you didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about
Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn
in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."
----------------------------
