Friday Nov 28 2003
There are only eleven
times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use, as follows:
11. "What the
@#$% do you mean we're sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of the RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- George Armstrong Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on that @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566
the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....my ass!" -- Noah, 6314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad!"
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
Thursday Nov 27 2003
Special car names
AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW : Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet
FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GMC...Garage Man's Companion
HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable and Inexpensive
SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Wednesday Nov 26 2003
A guy is out with buddies - has a few drinks - is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear".
Tuesday Nov 25 2003
According to Jeff Foxworthy
You might be from the Pacific Northwest if :
Monday Nov 24 2003
True telephone story
An elderly lady with a dog called Verizon called her phone company to say that her telephone >failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked before the phone rang. The telephone
repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or
senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog did bark.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron
chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring. Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
Sunday Nov 23 2003
A precious little girl
walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe
me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."
Saturday Nov 22 2003
The Auburn/Alabama Game
50 yard line
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Auburn/ Alabama game. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Auburn/Alabama game, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Auburn/Alabama game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible! But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at her funeral."
Friday Nov 21 2003
Rooney's tips for telemarketers
1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60
minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on
anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to
keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
If enough people follow these tips, it will work---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
Thursday Nov 20 2003
Are you overworked, under
paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not
only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of
a London office building. It was dated 1852:
This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
No talking is allowed during business hours.
The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!
Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.
The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
The owners recognize the wisdom of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
Wednesday Nov 19 2003
This one is good.....read
on ..it makes lot of sense! even your MBA will not tell you so
Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder,leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of
the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room.
Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.
All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.
Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
"AND THAT'S HOW ANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED".
Tuesday Nov 18 2003
The Pope dies of old age
and finds himself at the Gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate
and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens the gate and asks, "Wadda ya
want?" "I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of
Godly work and thought I should check in here."
The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here-- just bring your stuff and we'll sort this all out in the morning." They go to an old World War II-style barracks, third floor, open bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an
The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He get up and goes to a window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The sidewalks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat sits a US Fighter Pilot, his wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his arm around a voluptuous blonde angel with magnificent halos.
This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-At-Arms and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope, with 63 years of Godly deeds in an open bay barracks while this Fighter Pilot, who must have committed every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a saint's welcome. How can that be?"
The Master-At-Arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Fighter Pilot before."
Sunday Nov 16 2003
Things I have learned from Hurricane Juan:
* Coffee and frozen pizzas
can be made on a BBQ.
* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.
* Having power does not equal having electricity!
* My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people in line who helped me push it).
* Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.
* Cats are even more irritating without power.
* He who has the biggest generator wins.
* Women can actually survive without doing their hair--you just wish they weren't around you.
* A new method of non-lethal torture--showers without hot water.
* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful. One day at a time, brother.
* A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6 bottles of Olands to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
* There were a lot of damn trees around here.
* Contrary to most residents' beliefs, the speed limit on roads without traffic lights does not suddenly increase.
* Vinyl siding, while aesthetically pleasing, can sure fly a long way.
* There is nothing sweeter than the sound of a generator.
* People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
* Some things DO keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
* Telemarketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.
* 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!
* Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
* If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators...I'd be rich.
* The price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.
* Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.
* Tree service companies are under appreciated.
* MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????
* Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.
* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
* I wonder how many people paid their bills that NS Power sent out while most of us were still in the dark.
* And finally...you can manage without a lot of things, except for an extra large double double from Tim Hortons. (Amen!)*
Saturday Nov 15 2003
A man goes into a
restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A
particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs
that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to
order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
Friday Nov 14 2003
Real Man Test
Note: Although this
is a test for men only and all "real men" answer "C"
to all of these questions, women will also benefit by reviewing them
so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names,(but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
C. Remote control.
Thursday Nov 13 2003
The Peanuts Gang (Charlie Brown cartoon in newspapers) was a favorite for many of us as we were growing up and this actually makes good sense.
Give this some thought!
The Charles Schultz Philosophy
You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read the email straight through, and you'll get the point (an awesome one) that it is trying to make!
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught y ou something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.
Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia."
----- Charles Schultz
Tuesday Nov 12 2003
Every Little Girls Dream....
The teacher asked, "Really, and what four animals would that be?
" The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed , and a jackass to pay for all of it."
Sunday Nov 9 2003
I'm passing this along to you as I consider you a valued person in my life. This worked for me and I think it may work for you. I have found Inner Peace.
Recently I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to Finish Things You Have Started. So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a banana cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva chocolates and I bitch slapped someone I have never liked. I feel better than I have felt for a long time.
Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of Inner Peace.
(Hey....I don't write them....I just read 'em...giggle and pass them on)
Saturday Nov 8 2003
Be sure to click on
smile at bottom
This has 2 parts: a list and at the end, something to open--enjoy!)
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.......................................Giving
The greatest loss........................Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work.......................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource..........Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm".................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.......................Fear
The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease....................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
The most dangerous pariah..........................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer................The brain
The worst thing to be without.... . Hope
The deadliest weapon...........................The tongue
The two most power-filled words......................."I Can"
The greatest asset......................................Faith
The most worthless emotion..........................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................... Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
The most contagious spirit.........................Enthusiasm
Everyone needs this list to live by...pass it along!!!
This is one you'll like. Someone put in a lot of effort to compile this. Just click on the word "smile" below and get ready to enjoy.
Friday Nov 7 2003
This is interesting....written by Bryant Ross aka"ChainsawLarry
The history of mankind in brief (or) Where it all went wrong
The other day I was having a discussion with my buddy and his wife. As discussions like this often go, it became yet another skirmish in the war between the sexes. Kate looked me in the eye and with a self-satisfied smirk said “Well if it wasn’t for women, men would still be living in CAVES!”
When you’re right you’re right. Credit where credit is due. Kate was right. If it wasn’t for women, men WOULD still be living in caves.
I mean really, let’s look at it dispassionately.
However many bajillion years ago men and women lived in caves, a natural shelter from wind, rain and the other ravages of weather. They lived in large family groupings, raising their young and helping one another out, sharing the load and both working and protecting in turn. From each according to ability, to each according to need. Men did what they do best, they hunted and they fished. Women did the gathering. Men set out daily with clubs and spears to see waht they could hunt down or trap to feed the family, they hunted and fished all day and wandered home at night to share what they had gotten. The women went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.
So it went on, for centuries this order of things was the standard. The men hunted and fished, the women gathered. It worked, everyone was happy.
Then it happened. Shirley was peeling some kind of vegetable in the cave one day, and Ralph came home with the other guys, they had just killed a mastodon. Ralph and the guys were all carrying chunks of meat and had the skin rolled up and shoulered between them. Shirley was cold, and she had been trying to gather roots all day and her feet hurt. The wind was blowing into the cave and the rain was bothering her. She looked at the mastodon skin and a light went off in her head.
“Hey Ralph” she said “Could you hang that skin up in the door of the cave? I’ll bet it would really cut down the wind and rain blowing in”
Ralph looked at it, and even though he was tired from Mastodon hunting (I mean really, it can’t have been all that easy, those things were BIG), being a nice guy he thought he’d do Shirley a favour, and climbed up the rocks and hung up the mastodon skin. Little did he know that when he did that he doomed all future generations of men to the slavery we now live. If ralph had only said “no” at that moment we would all be happy. But that’s not how it all happened. Ralph climbed up and hung that skin, Shirley was happy....for the moment.
A month or so later Ralph wanted to get a little “Romantic” with Shirley. Generally this wasn’t much of a problem once he had washed the mastodon blood off himself. This particular night, however, when Ralph got all snuggled up to Shirley she said “You know Ralph… I’d feel a LOT more romantic if we had some privacy” She indicated the other families that lived in the cave, parents and granparents etc. He looked from them back to Shirley who batted her eyelashes coyly. He sighed and began to figure out just how many more mastodon skins he’d need to hang them all around their sleeping area. The next day off he went to get some more skins, just so he might get laid.
While all of this went on, the women still went out and walked
around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected
juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.
It skyrocketed from there, Ralph and Shirley got skins around their sleeping area. Once Wilma saw that SHE wanted them too, and off Fred went to get some skins. Before long all the guys did was go hunting to get skins so they could close off their areas and possibly get laid.
It wasn’t long before Shirley wheedled Ralph that if they took all those skins OUTSIDE and put them up they would have even more privacy… Now Ralph didn’t know why privacy was so goddamned important, he rather liked being able to romp about with his buddies in the cave, and to call out to them, have impromptu belching and farting contests, and to generally have a good time being guys. NOW Shirley wanted him to take the skins outside, put them on sticks and actually live in it. However… the choice was not getting laid… so obviously out they went.
While all of this went on, the women still went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.
Predictably, not to be outdone all the other women wanted THEIR own spaces too…
So before long the cave sat empty and skin tents populated the world, animals were driven to extinction to provide skins, and men lost their communal culture. As a matter of fact men began actually working for one another to provide the amenities that their women demanded… because they just wanted to get laid.
While all of this went on, the women still went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.
Fast forward to today
Men go out to work every day, WHY?? To provide a place for their women to live… because if they didn’t? you got it, they wouldn’t get laid. It used to be that they went out every day to hunt and fish, enjoy being together and generally have a good time. There were no wars because all of the aggression was taken out in the hunt. Everyone could have a good time together and go home afterward. Today we spend all week making money so we can pay for the house. If we hunt or fish even the most lucky of us gets to do it on weekends, and only if our buddies can get time off work will we do it as a group.
While all of this goes on, the women still go out and walk around gabbing and gossiping while they look around and select various articles of clothing and decorative items for all manner of uses.
Men no longer get to hunt and fish, but women STILL get to shop.
In conclusion, I need to say this:
Yes, if it weren’t for women men would still be living in caves, hell, it makes sense! By now we’d have big screen TVs and barcloungers in those caves, and 4X4s parked outside. We’d still have graphite fishing rods and beer and football, but the caves would still be there because like everything else listed, they make sense.
The trouble is, eventually someone would want to get laid…----------------------------
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Tuesday Nov 4 2003
Kenny the Rooster
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot.
Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM!
He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling over head.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh .. they're getting closer."
Monday Nov 3 2003
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT TEXAS
Cost of Kids.........
seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but
this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's
nice, really nice!!
government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to
18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about
sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.
$160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into
$8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere
$24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.
you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you
want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.
you get for your $160,140?
rights. First, middle, and last!
of God every day.
under the covers every night.
love than your heart can hold
kisses and Velcro hugs.
wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles,
and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Someone to
laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your
stocks performed that day.
$160,140, you never have to grow up.
to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch
lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an
excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching
Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on
to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and
collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in
clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
$160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a
hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the
training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool,
coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that
never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word,
first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
to be immortal.
another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a
long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great
an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice,
communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the
power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a
broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them
without limits, so . . . one day they will, like you, love without
counting the cost.
YOUR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS!
Saturday Nov 1 2003
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
my day at
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but
I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today.
inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made
me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and¦ when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When¦ she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine - which I sank.
that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@¦ barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you
learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.