Jokes for Nov 2003

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use, as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we're sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of the RMS Titanic, 1912

   9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
   -- George Armstrong Custer, 1877

   8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

   7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926
   6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

   5. "You want WHAT on that @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

   4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

   3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....my ass!" -- Noah, 6314 BC

   2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
   -- Bill Clinton, 1999

   1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad!"
   -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

A guy is out with buddies - has a few drinks - is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

Pacific Northwest According to Jeff Foxworthy

You might be from the Pacific Northwest if :

17)You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks"

18)You have no concept of humidity without precipitation

19)You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind

20)You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the clouds

21)You notice, "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it

22)You put on shorts when it gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka

23)You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on

24)You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain

25)You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists

26)You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake

27)You buy new sunglasses every year, cause you can't find the old ones after such a long time

28)You measure distance in hours

29)You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day

30)You use a down comforter in the summer

31)You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them

32)You design your kid's halloween costume to fit under a raincoat

33)You know all the important seasons : Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Still Raining (Fall)

34)You actually understand these jokes and forward them on to your friends

True telephone story

An elderly lady with a dog called Verizon called her phone company to say that her telephone >failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked before the phone rang. The telephone
repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or
senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog did bark.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron
chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on
the ground.

4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring. Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

Alabama/Auburn 50 yard line

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Auburn/ Alabama game. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Auburn/Alabama game, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Auburn/Alabama game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible! But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at her funeral."

Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers

1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60
minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on
anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to
keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
If enough people follow these tips, it will work---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
----------------------------
Thursday Nov 20 2003

Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

No talking is allowed during business hours.

The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!

Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

The owners recognize the wisdom of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

This one is good.....read on ..it makes lot of sense! even your MBA will not tell you so much.....

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder,leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of
the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room.

Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.
All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.
Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

"AND THAT'S HOW ANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED".

The Pope dies of old age and finds himself at the Gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens the gate and asks, "Wadda ya want?" "I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of Godly work and thought I should check in here."
The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here-- just bring your stuff and we'll sort this all out in the morning." They go to an old World War II-style barracks, third floor, open bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an
upper bunk.
The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He get up and goes to a window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The sidewalks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat sits a US Fighter Pilot, his wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his arm around a voluptuous blonde angel with magnificent halos.
This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-At-Arms and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope, with 63 years of Godly deeds in an open bay barracks while this Fighter Pilot, who must have committed every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a saint's welcome. How can that be?"
The Master-At-Arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Fighter Pilot before."

* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ.
* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.
* Having power does not equal having electricity!
* My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people in line who helped me push it).
* Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.
* Cats are even more irritating without power.
* He who has the biggest generator wins.
* Women can actually survive without doing their hair--you just wish they weren't around you.
* A new method of non-lethal torture--showers without hot water.
* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful. One day at a time, brother.
* A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6 bottles of Olands to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
* There were a lot of damn trees around here.
* Contrary to most residents' beliefs, the speed limit on roads without traffic lights does not suddenly increase.
* Vinyl siding, while aesthetically pleasing, can sure fly a long way.
* There is nothing sweeter than the sound of a generator.
* People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
* Some things DO keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
* Telemarketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.
* 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!
* Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
* If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators...I'd be rich.
* The price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.
* Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.
* Tree service companies are under appreciated.
* MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????
* Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.
* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
* I wonder how many people paid their bills that NS Power sent out while most of us were still in the dark.
* And finally...you can manage without a lot of things, except for an extra large double double from Tim Hortons. (Amen!)*

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Note: Although this is a test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions, women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names,(but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

The Peanuts Gang (Charlie Brown cartoon in newspapers) was a favorite for many of us as we were growing up and this actually makes good sense.

You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read the email straight through, and you'll get the point (an awesome one) that it is trying to make!

Take this quiz:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.

Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught y ou something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

They are the ones that care.

Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.

It's already tomorrow in Australia."

----- Charles Schultz

" The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed , and a jackass to pay for all of it."

Dear Friend:

I'm passing this along to you as I consider you a valued person in my life. This worked for me and I think it may work for you. I have found Inner Peace.

Recently I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to Finish Things You Have Started. So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a banana cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva chocolates and I bitch slapped someone I have never liked. I feel better than I have felt for a long time.

Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of Inner Peace.

Be sure to click on smile at bottom

This has 2 parts: a list and at the end, something to open--enjoy!)

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.......................................Giving
The greatest loss........................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work.......................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource..........Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm".................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.......................Fear

The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease....................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love

The most dangerous pariah..........................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer................The brain
The worst thing to be without.... . Hope

The deadliest weapon...........................The tongue
The two most power-filled words......................."I Can"
The greatest asset......................................Faith

The most worthless emotion..........................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................... Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
The most contagious spirit.........................Enthusiasm

Everyone needs this list to live by...pass it along!!!

This is one you'll like. Someone put in a lot of effort to compile this. Just click on the word "smile" below and get ready to enjoy.

SMILE

The other day I was having a discussion with my buddy and his wife. As discussions like this often go, it became yet another skirmish in the war between the sexes. Kate looked me in the eye and with a self-satisfied smirk said “Well if it wasn’t for women, men would still be living in CAVES!”

When you’re right you’re right. Credit where credit is due. Kate was right. If it wasn’t for women, men WOULD still be living in caves.

However many bajillion years ago men and women lived in caves, a natural shelter from wind, rain and the other ravages of weather. They lived in large family groupings, raising their young and helping one another out, sharing the load and both working and protecting in turn. From each according to ability, to each according to need. Men did what they do best, they hunted and they fished. Women did the gathering. Men set out daily with clubs and spears to see waht they could hunt down or trap to feed the family, they hunted and fished all day and wandered home at night to share what they had gotten. The women went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.

So it went on, for centuries this order of things was the standard. The men hunted and fished, the women gathered. It worked, everyone was happy.

Then it happened. Shirley was peeling some kind of vegetable in the cave one day, and Ralph came home with the other guys, they had just killed a mastodon. Ralph and the guys were all carrying chunks of meat and had the skin rolled up and shoulered between them. Shirley was cold, and she had been trying to gather roots all day and her feet hurt. The wind was blowing into the cave and the rain was bothering her. She looked at the mastodon skin and a light went off in her head.

“Hey Ralph” she said “Could you hang that skin up in the door of the cave? I’ll bet it would really cut down the wind and rain blowing in”

Ralph looked at it, and even though he was tired from Mastodon hunting (I mean really, it can’t have been all that easy, those things were BIG), being a nice guy he thought he’d do Shirley a favour, and climbed up the rocks and hung up the mastodon skin. Little did he know that when he did that he doomed all future generations of men to the slavery we now live. If ralph had only said “no” at that moment we would all be happy. But that’s not how it all happened. Ralph climbed up and hung that skin, Shirley was happy....for the moment.

A month or so later Ralph wanted to get a little “Romantic” with Shirley. Generally this wasn’t much of a problem once he had washed the mastodon blood off himself. This particular night, however, when Ralph got all snuggled up to Shirley she said “You know Ralph… I’d feel a LOT more romantic if we had some privacy” She indicated the other families that lived in the cave, parents and granparents etc. He looked from them back to Shirley who batted her eyelashes coyly. He sighed and began to figure out just how many more mastodon skins he’d need to hang them all around their sleeping area. The next day off he went to get some more skins, just so he might get laid.

While all of this went on, the women still went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.

It skyrocketed from there, Ralph and Shirley got skins around their sleeping area. Once Wilma saw that SHE wanted them too, and off Fred went to get some skins. Before long all the guys did was go hunting to get skins so they could close off their areas and possibly get laid.

It wasn’t long before Shirley wheedled Ralph that if they took all those skins OUTSIDE and put them up they would have even more privacy… Now Ralph didn’t know why privacy was so goddamned important, he rather liked being able to romp about with his buddies in the cave, and to call out to them, have impromptu belching and farting contests, and to generally have a good time being guys. NOW Shirley wanted him to take the skins outside, put them on sticks and actually live in it. However… the choice was not getting laid… so obviously out they went.

While all of this went on, the women still went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.

Predictably, not to be outdone all the other women wanted THEIR own spaces too…

So before long the cave sat empty and skin tents populated the world, animals were driven to extinction to provide skins, and men lost their communal culture. As a matter of fact men began actually working for one another to provide the amenities that their women demanded… because they just wanted to get laid.

While all of this went on, the women still went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.

Fast forward to today
Men go out to work every day, WHY?? To provide a place for their women to live… because if they didn’t? you got it, they wouldn’t get laid. It used to be that they went out every day to hunt and fish, enjoy being together and generally have a good time. There were no wars because all of the aggression was taken out in the hunt. Everyone could have a good time together and go home afterward. Today we spend all week making money so we can pay for the house. If we hunt or fish even the most lucky of us gets to do it on weekends, and only if our buddies can get time off work will we do it as a group.

However…
While all of this goes on, the women still go out and walk around gabbing and gossiping while they look around and select various articles of clothing and decorative items for all manner of uses.

In conclusion, I need to say this:
Yes, if it weren’t for women men would still be living in caves, hell, it makes sense! By now we’d have big screen TVs and barcloungers in those caves, and 4X4s parked outside. We’d still have graphite fishing rods and beer and football, but the caves would still be there because like everything else listed, they make sense.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Kenny the Rooster

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.

Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot.

WHAM!
Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM!

He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling over head.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh .. they're getting closer."

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25, then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word

A TANK is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it drinking it when you are two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You Know you are from Texas if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch for "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

4. You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store. (note: in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word....)

6 All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable or an insect.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables for your own car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

l0. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.

11. You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

12. You think sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

13. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

16. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm

17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

18. You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

19. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world."

20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop.... It's a Coke regardless of brand of flavor.

22. You understand these jokes. If you do, forward them to your friends from Texas (or others so they'll understand Texans).

I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, really nice!!

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140?

Naming rights. First, middle, and last!

Glimpses of God every day.

Giggles under the covers every night.

More love than your heart can hold

Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.

A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up.

You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so . . . one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS!