Jokes for Mar 2003

A quote from Sky News

" Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK Defence Minister Geoff Hoon said in the House of Commons yesterday.

"He' s either never been to Southampton, or he' s never been to Umm Qasr " says a British Squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.

Another soldier added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. Its more like Portsmouth."

A teacher tried to explain the “gender of things“ concept (masculine and feminine) to her class. For example, the teacher pointed out that hurricanes, ships and aircraft are called “she”.

One of the students asked what gender a computer has, and the teacher decided that to solve this, the class would be divided into two groups – one with the boys and one with the girls. The assignment was to give computers a gender and motivate why.

The question is, how do you plan to protect your models, built and unbuilt, in the event of terrorist attack?

Assuming a direct assault upon the kits, I will have them guarded by only one unarmed individual. A woman in full menopause with a sign that says "I love criticism and need to hear your thoughts". The terrorist will comply and in a matter of seconds be beaten senseless or dead. Then I will calmly go back to modeling and give it no more thought.

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "For goodness' sake Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"

Two college students, Paul and Mall, are in the London Underground when a beggar approaches and asks them for spare change. Paul rejects the man in disgust, but Mall plunges his hand in his pocket, pulls out a couple of coins and hands them over with a smile. ‘What did you do that for?’ asks Paul. He’s only going to spend it on drugs and booze. And we weren’t..?’ says Mall.

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2.Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and
die."

4.My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5.The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6.The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9.Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

CATS

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats
to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
--Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and
get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are
subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard
of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in
their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The
wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

25 Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

" Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

--------------------------------------------

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Thornhill man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

Police suspect a cereal killer

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after
setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin
negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said...

"Please bring up a postcard. I'll mail her a note!"

=============================================================
Consider using this form letter the next time you're planning on courting someone from work.

Dearest [Woman's Name],

I am very happy to inform you that I have feelings for you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2002.

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2002 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,

=============================================================

Inspirational

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

TEAMWORK -- means never having to take all the blame yourself.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find whiskey bottles that Dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can
smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by
the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! She'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.

Inspectors my arse... You want the job done? Call in a bunch of mothers.

Mr. Johnson . . .
A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?" Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door." The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."
Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven!
Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Four Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence,
the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, handsome, 6' 2", nice and
hard-bodied muscles dancer.
When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

The Irish decide to invade Iraq !

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "A million? I'll have to ring you ! back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "One and half now? I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "Now it's two million is it? I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

You gotta' love the Irish!!!
============================================

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
============================================

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

I was told that this is an Irish friendship wish, or is it a blessing?

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

I hope all is well with everyone during these interesting times.

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet
and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as
if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Leafs lost. At least I got laid.

1st May 1943

To the Mess President of 244 Wing
Sir,
    It has been observed by various individuals of unimpeachable character that Spitfires are making use of valuable dan bouys as targets.
    These dans, which mark the way through a minefield, have been laid at enormous expense and with great skill and daring in order to safeguard the shipping bringing you your bully, buscuits, pickles and booze Repeat booze. Should the unlikely event occur of one of these bouys being sunk or damaged by your planes, no booze will be forthcoming. Calamity!!!!
    For a fee we could lay a very large-sized beacon for you to practice on and perhaps hit.
    Should this pernicious habit of bouy-strafing not cease, no further pennies will be contributed to buy you new Spitfires.
                               GEOFFREY R. PRICE LT RNVR
                                      ROBIN BELL LT RNVR
                                     C.W. PEARCE LT RNVR
----------------------------

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an swear word. Those that weren't swear words were, to say the least, very rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Clyde decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?"
Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign> and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

15. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

16. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

17. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

20. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

22. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

23. You can spit without opening your mouth.

24. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

27. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

29. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

30. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Axis of Evil Wannabees
by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership  in the "Axis of Evil", Libya,  China and Syria today announced that they  had formed the "Axis of Just as  Evil", which they said would be more evil  than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North  Korea axis President Bush warned of in his  sate of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately  dismissed the new Axis as  having, for starters, a really dumb name.   "Right. They are just as evil .    in their dreams!" declared North Korean  leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody  knows we're the best evils . . . best at  being evil . . . we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were  jealous over being excluded,  although they conceded they did ask if  they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian  President Bashar al-Assad. "An  axis can't have more than three countries",  explained Iraqi President
Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In  World War II you had Germany,  Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you  can only have three, and a  secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of  Evil declaration was swift, as  within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has  become a game of geopolitical  chairs.  Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced  that they had formed the "Axis of  Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join  with Uganda and Myanmar in the  "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria,  Indonesia and Russia established  the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just  Generally Disagreeable".

With the  criteria suddenly expanded and all the  desirable clubs filling up, Sierra  Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to  be called the "Axis of Countries  That Aren't the Worst But  Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the  Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the  "Axis of Nations That Are Actually  Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty  Thoughts About America", while  Scotland, New Zealand and Spain  established the "Axis of Countries That  Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not
a threat, really, just something  we like to do", said Scottish Executive  First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of  the world weren't perhaps making  fun of him, a cautious Bush granted  approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of  Countries Whose  Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its  members of filing a false
application. Officials from Paraguay,  Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the  charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want  to join any Axis, but privately  world leaders said that's only because no  one asked them.

Please note....comments below in red were added by the person that sent me this. My favourite is #5.

Some of these have achieved the status of 'urban legend'. I heard them years ago in
one form or another. As such, I take these with a grain of salt.

   Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes
   including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide
   Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

   1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch
   long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
   and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20
   inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal
   organs and caused severe bleeding.
      ** In another version I heard, it was an electric hair curler that she
          used, and she left it plugged in. Ouch. Could there possibly be two
         women that nasty out there ? Aieee !!!

   2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
   road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
   daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the
   truck delivering her birthday cake.
      ** Translation : her daughter pushed her into the path of the truck.

   3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he
   had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if
   she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat
   poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner.
      ** "Gee.. my coffee is awfully thick........ gaaaaaaak......."
   The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given
   a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing,
   until she    tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
      ** High spirited lil' lassy. Cute. No doubt she'll grow up and murder
          her husband with a 20" long VibroThrob 2000. (Or a hair curler.)

   4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he
   attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a
   double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to
   her an hour before the date started, just in case.
                     ** thank you Daddy

   5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay
   his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death
   with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr
   Halos paid his rent.
                   ** Righteous !! Deadbeats suck.

   6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she
   wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers
   walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and
   yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots
   between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a
   very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
      ** Also, she was on her way to a masquerade party dressed as Osama
            bin Laden. Maybe that had something to do with it ?

   7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she
   talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a
   cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
                 ** NEAT !!!!!! Gotta show my wife this one !!!!!!!!!

   8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms
   was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a
   period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium
   composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation
   poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss,
   welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the
   victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a checkup.
       ** "Gee, my ear fell off. I wonder if I should see a doctor ?"
           Maybe she died of terminal stupidity.

   9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading
   her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she
   was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as
   powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons
   some up to 14 kilometres away. No traces of the car or the victim were ever
   found, only a 55 metre deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
    ** Didn't she notice that the ol' Ford was kinda sluggish, what with carrying
         an extra 1650 lbs of TNT around ? Sure.......

   10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early
   hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted
   F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed
   at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly
   complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential
   risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine
   immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee
   and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he
   had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he
   activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her
   instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
      * The Phantom is an F4, not F6. This is obviously bullcrap !!
        Where did he get the turbine engine ... Home Shopping Channel ?
        Did he collect 'PetroPoints' when he went to get his jet fuel at the
        gas station ?

   11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, 'Die Hard With
   a Vengeance' as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an
   almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sidedwhite board
   that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the
   other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off.
   Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
           ** Clubbed to death with a toilet seat, no doubt. Obviously, they
                really hate fairies in Harlem.

   12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian
   after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their
   parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell.
   After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later,
   and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left
   out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have
   a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and
   himself in the process.
          ** Just proves that smoking is bad for you.

Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, feet, then said, "Why...just look at his pretty little eyes... Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause that little f*cker can't wear glasses.

MONEY

It can buy a house
......... But not a Home

It can buy a bed
......... But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
.......... But not Time

It can buy you a Book
......... But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
......... But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
.......... But not Health

It can buy you Blood
.......... But not Life

It can buy you Sex
.......... But not Love

So you see my friend, money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.............

So please send me all your money............ and I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE
(Thought this was gonna' be on of those "inspirational" ones didn't you ??)

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen
window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market in the U.S. One day a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!" The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too.
Charley was too tired!

Bubba was from Arkansas and was, a hard-shell Southern Baptist. But he loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.

Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants......you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mummy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"

Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now."

"Uh, Okay, when.....here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank
that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did
what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and
she's not moving any more.

"Oh no...and what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.... but he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

**** long pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"