Wednesday Dec 31 2003
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, I was preoccupied, looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe we can help each other search. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long blonde hair, long legs, big boobs, and a tight ass.
What does your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's just look for yours."
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball."
He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Tuesday Dec 30 2003
Sam and Mike are walking from religious service. Sam wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Mike replies, "Why don't you ask Father Smith?"
So Sam goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
But Father says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Father told him.
Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question.
Let me try."
And so Mike goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which Father Smith eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
Monday Dec 29 2003
The following is being transmitted around the Internet as an event that really took place, but it never happened. It is simply an old joke like those found in popular magazines:
This is a transcript of a radio conversation between a U.S. Navy ship and Canadian authorizes off the Newfoundland coast in October 1995. It was released by the US Chief of Naval Operations, 10 October, 1995.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.
Canadians: Negative, You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North. I say again one-five degrees to the North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your Call.
Wednesday Dec 24 2003
Best Wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-discriminatory and gender neutral celebration of the summer/winter solstice practiced within the religious or secular tradition of your choice - being mindful of the choices of others without regard to race, creed, colour, computer platform, or political preference of the wisher or those to whom the wish is directed.
Merry Christmas Everyone!!!!
To track Santa on Christmas Eve with your kids...go to this website
Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus
Editorial Page, New York Sun, 1897
We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus? Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!
From The People's Almanac, pp. 1358-9.
Francis P. Church's editorial, "Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus" was an immediate sensation, and became one of the most famous editorials ever written. It first appeared in the The New York Sun in 1897, almost a hundred years ago, and was reprinted annually until 1949 when the paper went out of business.
Thirty-six years after her letter was printed, Virginia O'Hanlon recalled the events that prompted her letter:
"Quite naturally I believed in Santa Claus, for he had never disappointed me. But when less fortunate little boys and girls said there wasn't any Santa Claus, I was filled with doubts. I asked my father, and he was a little evasive on the subject.
"It was a habit in our family that whenever any doubts came up as to how to pronounce a word or some question of historical fact was in doubt, we wrote to the Question and Answer column in The Sun. Father would always say, 'If you see it in the The Sun, it's so,' and that settled the matter.
" 'Well, I'm just going to write The Sun and find out the real truth,' I said to father.
"He said, 'Go ahead, Virginia. I'm sure The Sun will give you the right answer, as it always does.' "
And so Virginia sat down and wrote her parents' favorite newspaper.
Her letter found its way into the hands of a veteran editor, Francis P. Church. Son of a Baptist minister, Church had covered the Civil War for The New York Times and had worked on the The New York Sun for 20 years, more recently as an anonymous editorial writer. Church, a sardonic man, had for his personal motto, "Endeavour to clear your mind of cant." When controversial subjects had to be tackled on the editorial page, especially those dealing with theology, the assignments were usually given to Church.
Now, he had in his hands a little girl's letter on a most controversial matter, and he was burdened with the responsibility of answering it.
"Is there a Santa Claus?" the childish scrawl in the letter asked. At once, Church knew that there was no avoiding the question. He must answer, and he must answer truthfully. And so he turned to his desk, and he began his reply which was to become one of the most memorable editorials in newspaper history.
Church married shortly after the editorial appeared. He died in April, 1906, leaving no children.
Virginia O'Hanlon went on to graduate from Hunter College with a Bachelor of Arts degree at age 21. The following year she received her Master's from Columbia, and in 1912 she began teaching in the New York City school system, later becoming a principal. After 47 years, she retired as an educator. Throughout her life she received a steady stream of mail about her Santa Claus letter, and to each reply she attached an attractive printed copy of the Church editorial. Virginia O'Hanlon Douglas died on May 13, 1971, at the age of 81, in a nursing home in Valatie, N.Y.
Monday Dec 22 2003
December 1st To: ALL EMPLOYEES
I am happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbeque. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed up as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time; please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10.00 limit.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Human Resources Director
December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though not this year unfortunately). However, from now on we're calling this party our "Holiday Party." The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree, or Christmas carols sung.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
Human Resources Director
December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but please remember that if I put up a sign on the table that reads "AA ONLY," you won't be anonymous any more. In addition, we will no longer be having a gift exchange since the Union members feel that $10.00 is too much money.
Human Resources Director
December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert buffet, and for pregnant employees to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each group will have their own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table! Happy now?
Human Resources Director
Decenber 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people!! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit'.
Human Resources Director
December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians- I've had it with you people!! We're holding this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbeque whether you like it or not!! You can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too! They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell !
December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off with full pay on the 23rd.
Acting Human Resources Director
With love 2 all of U around the globe, regardless of faith, language, and other differences which only make the marinade [spicy?...]
Sunday Dec 21 2003
GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section
in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa
Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys
5. There are three religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar is not a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Saturday Dec 20 2003
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that? Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. What the hell is that? she asked.
My brother quickly explained, It's a doll.
Who would play with something like that? Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
Where are her clothes? Granny continued.
Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, Jay said, to steer her into dining room.
But Granny was relentless. Why doesn't she have any teeth?
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, Hang on Granny, hang on!
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Friday Dec 19 2003
Here's a story posted on the net somewhere...
"Care for a Motorcycle Story?"
Lifted from another site.
Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street)
I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.
Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.
Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle, at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness....all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.
I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect....
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it....it was that close.
I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.....and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.
I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in....well....I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle......my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.
The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand.....I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked.....sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to " the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger!!!!
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car!!
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.
And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.
My new book, "Life is a Road, the Soul is a Motorcycle" went on sale March 5, 2003. If you enjoy my stories, check out my book. There is a preview of the book here.
Thursday Dec 18 2003
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
11. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Wednesday Dec 17 2003
Hangover Rating System
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas
and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late
and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Tuesday Dec 16 2003
This is a cute little story I received. Steve B.
A child's prayer
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.... Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert.
And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae, and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
Monday Dec 15 2003
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father! and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS."
Sunday Dec 14 2003
A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody." The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out...whose Pepsi is it...the machine's or mine?"
Saturday Dec 13 2003
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his butt off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
Friday Dec 12 2003
New baby ...
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they exclaimed. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
Thursday Dec 11 2003
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them.
The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to
The man doesn't move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.
The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up.
She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
Then I noticed the: "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So, naturally . . . . I assumed you had stolen the car."
Wednesday Dec 10 2003
Students in an advanced biology class were
taking a mid term. The last question, worth 70
points or none at all was:
Name seven advantages of mothers milk. The student in question had also partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages.
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He was the only student to ace (100%) the exam
Tuesday Dec 9 2003
A sad looking guy walks into the model shop at the local mall.
The clerk behind the counter says " You back here again?"
The guy says "Yes, I went over to LaSenza (lingerie store) to do some Christmas shopping for my wife. They were having a fashion show, but the manager threw me out!"
The clerk says "That's terrible! What happened?"
The guy says "She said I was touching the models!"
Sunday Dec 7 2003
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man,
"Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Tits."
Saturday Dec 6 2003
The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Men Keep scrolling
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
Friday Dec 5 2003
A small business puts a 'job vacant' ad in the newspaper, and in a short while 700 applications arrive in the fax. The boss looks at the huge pile, and says to the secretary 'take the top thirty applications from the file, have them come for an interview, and put the rest in the paper shredder'.
The secretary says , 'Isn't that unfair? There might be applications from excellent people in the rest of the pile.'
The boss replies 'I don't need unlucky guys working here'.
Thursday Dec 4 2003
A Big Fat Secret
Date: Wed, 3 Dec 2003 10:16:02 -0500 (Eastern Standard Time)
How A Baghdad-Bound 747 Turns Invisible...
So how do you fly a Boeing 747-200B, over five stories high and more than 200 feet long, carrying a gaggle of reporters and the U.S. President and his staff, halfway across the world's airspace, without anybody noticing? Well, it isn't easy. First, you hustle the press pool off, hush-hush, without any explanation, to the secluded, secure ramp at Texas State Technical College in Waco, Texas. It's Wednesday evening, the sun has set, Air Force One is dark, and the reporters surrender their cellphones. The flight crew had prepared for what they believed was a milk run to Washington for
President Bush arrived and climbed up the rear stairs instead of the front gangway as usual, so airport workers wouldn't notice him. The plane took off at 7:25 p.m. local time, without running lights and with all the window shades pulled down. As with all Air Force One flights, this one was conducted as a military mission, under military flight rules.
...A Misdirection Play...
Two hours later, the airplane touched down and rolled into a hangar at the 140,000-square-foot maintenance and support complex at Andrews Air Force
Base, outside Washington, D.C., where the 747's sister ship awaited. The other 747 was all fueled and catered and ready for the 10 1/2 hour flight to Baghdad. Inside the hangar, the passengers were debarked and reboarded, and a few more journalists arrived, for a total of 13 reporters and photographers. They took off again, in the dark and in secret. At one point during the flight, the pilot of a British Airways jet spotted the
plane with its distinctive blue-and-gold livery, and asked over the radio,
"Did I just see Air Force One?" After a pause, the president's pilot, Col. Mark Tillman,
responded, "Gulfstream five." The British Airways pilot seemed to sense that he was in on a secret, The New York Times reported, and replied simply, "Oh.
The plane landed without lights in the darkness, at about 5:30 p.m. local time, with the cabin lights turned off and the shades drawn.
...And Why They Flew It
Why didn't the president fly in a fighter or some kind of burly attack aircraft? Probably because Air Force One is safer, and better-equipped, than any other airplane out there. "Air Force One has a wide array of countermeasure capabilities for foiling surface-to-air missiles, some of which have never been disclosed to the public," defense analyst Loren Thompson told The Washington Post. "It is the closest thing we have to an invulnerable aircraft in terms of dealing with surface-to-air threats." Air
Force One also is heavily shielded to protect the onboard electronics from the electromagnetic pulse associated with a nuclear blast. And it is equipped for in-flight refueling, so it can stay aloft in an emergency indefinitely ... so long as air tankers can reach it. Other defensive systems and avionics are classified.
Wednesday Dec 3 2003
California Governor-elect Schwarzenegger plans to reduce the deficit by eliminating administrative costs. One method is to combine the Dept. of Fish & Game with the Highway Patrol under one leader.
The merged agency will be known as Fish & Chips.
Tuesday Dec 2 2003
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.......
you damn mosquito.
Monday Dec 1 2003
Dear dogs and cats,
When I say "move," it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find this aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the objective. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue to sleep on the couch to insure your comfort. Look at videos of cats and dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My Compact Discs are not Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the door knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I've been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Cats and dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.