HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
  
  All you have to do is be:
  1. a friend
  2. a companion
  3. a lover
  4. a brother
  5. a father figure
  6. a teacher
  7. an educator
  8. a cook
  9. a gardener
 10. a carpenter
 11. a driver
 12. an engineer
 13. a mechanic
 14. an interior decorator
 15. a stylist
 16. a sex therapist
 17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
 18. a psychologist
 19. a psychiatrist
 20. a therapist
 21. a good father
 22. a gentleman
 23. well organized
 24. tidy
 25. very clean
 26. athletic
 27. affectionate
 28. affable
 29. attentive
 30. ambitious
 31. amenable
 32. articulate
 33. bold
 34. brave
 35. creative
 36. courageous
 37. complimentary
 38. capable
 39. decisive
 40. intelligent
 41. imaginative
 42. interesting
 43. prudent
 44. patient
 45. polite
 46. passionate
 47. respectful
 48. sweet
 49. strong
 50. skillful
 51. supportive
 52. sympathetic
 53. tolerant
 54. understanding
 55. someone who loves shopping
 56. someone who doesn't make problems
 57. someone who never looks at other women
 58. very rich

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

MARIA : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.


Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".


GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".


 Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

 Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

 Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.  The others all died".

----------------------------
Friday Aug 29  2003

Every now and then something extraordinary takes place in the universe.  I think this event involving Mars is worth note.

The Red Planet is about to be spectacular!  This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history.

The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.  Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the Last  5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again.

The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Mars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky.  It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide.

At a modest 75-power magnification Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.  Mars will be easy to spot.  At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10 PM.  and reach its azimuth at about 3 AM.

By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30 AM.  That's pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history.

So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month.  Share this with your children and grandchildren.

NO ONE ALIVE WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN

Go To:       http://www.space.com/spacewatch/mars_preview_021108.html

----------------------------
Thursday Aug 28  2003

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1.  Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2.  Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3.  You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
4.  Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
5.  Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
6.  Dogs don't criticize your friends.
7.  Dogs admit when they're jealous.
8.  Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh
    at how you throw).
9.  Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know
    the most important thing is that you're together.
10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
11. You can train a dog.
12. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
13. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
14. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
15. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.  (OK, the
    *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a
    vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
16. Dogs understand what "no" means.
17. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
18. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
19. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
20. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
21. You can house train a dog.
22. You can force a dog to take a bath.
23. Dogs don't correct your stories.
24. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger
    owner.
25. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
26. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
27. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
28. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
29. Dogs admit it when they're lost.
30. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
31. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
32. Dogs take care of their own needs.
33. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
34. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
35. Dogs are nice to your relatives.

                   HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
1.  Both take up too much space on the bed.
2.  Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3.  Both are threatened by their own kind.
4.  Both like to chew wood.
5.  Both mark their territory.
6.  Both are bad at asking you questions.
7.  Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8.  Both tend to smell riper with age.
9.  The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
11. Neither does any dishes.
12. Both fart shamelessly.
13. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
14. Both like dominance games.
15. Both are suspicious of the postman.
16. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
17. Neither understands what you see in cats.

                    WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

1.  Men only have two feet to track in mud.
2.  Men can buy you presents.
3.  Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them
    around the block.
4.  Men are a little bit more subtle.
5.  Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
6.  Men open their own cans.
7.  Dogs have dog breath all the time.
8.  Men can do math stuff.
9.  Holiday Inns accept men.

16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross."

----------------------------
Tuesday Aug 26  2003

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business".

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a plastic surgeon's office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company: "We don't want an arm and a leg. We want your tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in  your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

And at a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."

----------------------------
Monday Aug 25  2003

The Chair Test

===============

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam
after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor
picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the
board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that
this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious
fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to
refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however,
was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the student who finished in
one minute got an A. The rest of the group wondered how he could have
gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. This is what
he wrote:

"What chair?"
----------------------------
Sunday Aug 24  2003

Where do pets come from?  A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" 

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." 

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. 

And it was a good animal. 

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
        
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." 

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."  

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.  Both of  their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.  After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.  That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!
This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.  The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. 
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever and evil. Don't mess with them.

----------------------------
Friday Aug 22  2003

Three Servicemen Return From Afghanistan

Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, where all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Afghanistan.  When they landed a man approached them and said "boys, to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to pay for a cab." The guys thankfully agreed and drove off.

Halfway there the truck broke down and they where stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a farm house and went to ask to use the phone. When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform he invited them in.  He said "Boys, for serving our country I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with my three daughters, you'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with each girl, there's plenty of beer in the fridge."

The men ate and the first girl comes down the stairs, very pretty girl. The flyboy jumped up and said "she's mine" and goes upstairs.  The second girl comes down, prettier than the first, the jarhead snatches her up and goes upstairs.

The sailor is waiting for the last girl thinking he's getting the heifer of the group.  To his delight she comes down, the finest of them all. The next morning the farmer is cooking breakfast. The fly boy comes down first, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast but the flyboy says, "No thank you sir, you've done enough already." and left.

The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the flyboys but still acceptable. The farmer offers him food but he only drinks coffee, thanks the farmer and leaves.

The sailor comes down next, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offers him breakfast and the sailor ate everything and took off without even a 'Thank You'.

After they all were gone the farmer calls his girls down. Rubbing his hands together greedily he says, "Ok girls, how did we do?"

The girl with the airman says, "he fondled me a little, drank a beer and gave me $200!"

The girl with the marine says, "he screwed me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."

The poor girl with the sailor appears all tired and worn out, "he screwed me all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50 off me till next payday!!"

----------------------------
Thursday Aug 21  2003

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. 

With regards to yesterdays Balloonist joke.....it seems this location is in Texas.....in an area with a few rivers and lakes....about +2000 feet above sealevel.  So this fits perfectly with the GPS readings.

Eight Words With Two Meanings...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. 
Female......Any part under a car's hood. 
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
Male........Playing hockey without a cup. 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. 
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.  

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.  
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.  
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.  

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.  
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.  
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.  

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.  
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.  
Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.  

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.  
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.  
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.  

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.  
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.  
Male.........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. 

LOST BALLOONIST

Eric has been in the internet and computer business for 25 years and finally sick of the stress. He sells his company and buys 50 acres of land as far from humanity as possible. Eric sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." 
"Great," says Eric, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with  the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Eric says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Eric, "I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

----------------------------
Sunday Aug 17  2003

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. 

The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. 

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. 

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. 

They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out.  Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. 

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...

...including the curtain rods. 

----------------------------
Saturday Aug 16  2003

Today's joke is dedicated to my friend Steve Filak

This was allegedly taken from a "Community Policing" question and answer via an e-mail forum in California.  Whether that's true or not is pretty irrelevant since it is funny as hell!

So, one on duty cop is responsible to harass about 10,000 residents.  When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible to try to harass 20,000+ people a day.

A ten hour shift runs 36,000 seconds.  This gives a cop only one second to harass a person, and three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND find a new person to harass.  This is not an easy task.  Most cops are not up to it day in and day out.  It is just too tiring.

Since you now understand why we cannot harass everyone let me explain briefly what we do to utilize some special "tools" to help us narrow down who we harass, so we can focus our limited "harassing resources" to those most worthy individuals. 

They are as follows:

The Phone:
People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on another person for special (concentrated) harassment. "My ex-husband just beat me and my boyfriend up and he is barricaded in the bedroom with our baby and a gun", or "My neighbor is beating up his wife and she is screaming for help" are a couple code phrases that are frequently employed.  Then we come out and give special harassment to the wife beater. Another popular one on weekends is "My neighbors are out of town and their kids are having a loud party."

Cars:
We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive; They usually ride motorcycles so they can get around fast or cut through traffic to harass as many people as possible in their given shift.  They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars blasting music, cars with expired registration, tags, and the like.  It is lots of fun when we pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious then running a red light, going around railroad crossing arms, or driving 20+ MPH over the posted limit in a school zone.  Sometimes we get to really heap the harassment on when we find they have drugs in their car, are driving drunk, are unlicensed or have an arrest warrant!

Runners:
Some people take off running at the mere sight of a uniformed police officer.  Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a trained beagle on the scent of a bunny.  When we catch them, gosh darn it if there isn't always some good reason to harass them for hours!

Codes:
When we can think of nothing else to do, there are books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called Codes, Penal, Vehicle, Health and Safety, Business and Professions...  They each spell out all sorts of silly things for which we can really mess with people. After we study these code books, we can just drive around for a while until we find someone violating one of the listed offenses and heap on the harassment! Just last week I saw a guy smash several car windows right in front of me. Well, believe it or not, one of the code books says that is not allowed. That meant I automatically got to harass this guy...of course he didn't like it, because just when I got done harassing him, the jail deputies harassed him and that will likely continue until the judge harasses him, then he will probably be harassed by a probation officer for the next couple of years. 

It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works very well most of the time.  We seem to have a never ending supply of folks to harass, and we "get away with it" because the good citizens pay the tab for us to keep the streets safe for them...and your civil attorney.

Next time you are in my town, give me a "single finger wave". That is a secret signal that you wish for me to take a closer look at you, and maybe find a reason to harass you.

Funny notices and signs

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT >GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR >FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE >DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR >WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE >FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T >WORK )

----------------------------
Thursday Aug 14  2003

Men Die First for a Reason:
by Andy Rooney

Do you know how tough it is being a man...?

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a  pervert.

If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.

If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!

THEY WANT TO!!

----------------------------
Wednesday Aug 13  2003

A defence attorney was cross-examing a police officer during a felony trial, it went like this......

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The off icer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

----------------------------
Tuesday Aug 12  2003

An American couple are touring Canada by car and get lost. They see a farmer up ahead, plowing his field. The wife says to the husband: "Ask him where we are." They pull up to the farmer and the husband says: "Excuse me, but we're lost, where are we?" "Saskatchewan," says the farmer. "Boy, we're really lost," says the wife. "He doesn't even speak English."

----------------------------
Monday Aug 11  2003

I read these to my wife......she smiled politely, but I didn't notice her taking any notes.  Steve B

Advice from Men to women 

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Saturday Aug 9  2003

Subject: KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

 Alabama:  Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

 Alaska:  11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

 Arizona:  But It's A Dry Heat

 Arkansas:  Literacy Ain't Everything

 California:  By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

 Colorado:  If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

 Connecticut:  The Constipated State

 Delaware:  We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

 Florida:  Ask Us About Our Grandkids

 Georgia:  We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

 Hawaii:  Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum)

 Idaho:  More Than Just Potatoes

 Illinois:  Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

 Indiana:  2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

 Iowa:  We Do Amazing Things With Corn

 Kansas:  First Of The Rectangle States

 Kentucky:  Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

 Louisiana:  We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos

 Maine:  We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

 Maryland:  If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

 Massachusetts:  Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

 Michigan:  First Line Of Defense from The Canadians

 Minnesota:  10,000 Lakes... 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

 Mississippi:  Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

 Missouri:  Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

 Montana:  Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,and Right-wing Crazies

 Nebraska:  Ask About Our State Motto Contest

 Nevada:  Hookers and Poker!

 New Hampshire:  Go Away And Leave Us Alone

 New Jersey:  You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

 New Mexico:  Lizards Make Excellent pets

 New York:  Proud Not To Be New Jersey

 North Carolina:  Tobacco Is A Vegetable

 North Dakota:  We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

 Ohio:  At Least We're Not Michigan

 Oklahoma:  Like The Play, Only No Singing

 Oregon:  Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

 Pennsylvania:  Cook With Coal

 Rhode Island:  We're Not REALLY An Island

 South Carolina:  Remember The Civil War?

 South Dakota:  Closer Than North Dakota

 Tennessee:  The Educashun State

 Texas:  Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

 Utah:  Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

 Vermont:  Yep

 Virginia:  Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

 Washington:  Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

 Washington, D.C.:  Wanna Be Mayor?

 West Virginia:  One Big Happy Family... Really!

 Wisconsin:  Come Cut The Cheese

 Wyoming:  Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared
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Friday Aug 8  2003

LOST WIVES ........

 Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass.

What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

Interesting Quotes....

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
 - Stephen Bishop
 
 "He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
 - John Bright
 
 "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
 - Winston Churchill
 
 "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
 - Winston Churchill
 
 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
 - Irvin S. Cobb
 
 "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
 - Clarence Darrow
 
 "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
 
 "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
 - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
 
 "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
 - Moses Hadas
 
 "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
 - Samuel Johnson
 
 "He had delusions of adequacy."
 - Walter Kerr
 
 "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
 - Jack E. Leonard
 
 "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
 - Abraham Lincoln
 
 "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
 - Groucho Marx
 
 - "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
 - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
 
 "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
 - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
 "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
 - Forrest Tucker
 
 "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
 - Mark Twain
 
 "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
 - Mark Twain
 
 "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
 - Mae West
 
 "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
 - Oscar Wilde
 
 "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
 - Oscar Wilde
 
 "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
 - Billy Wilder
 
 "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
 - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

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Wednesday Aug 6  2003

Airline Safety

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation.  A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and
dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

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Monday Aug 4  2003

THE FOLLOWING ARE REAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
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Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
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Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth,
too.
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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around
and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder
than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled
a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was
filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
----------------------------------------------------
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's
motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
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Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name -
not a damn thing.

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Saturday Aug 2  2003

A funeral service is being held for a man who has just passed away.   At the  end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan!  They open the casket and find that the man is actually alive!   He lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the wife cries out: "Watch that wall!" 

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Friday Aug 1  2003

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" 
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"

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A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies:  "But, madam, computers do not have curtains.... "

And the blonde said:.......... "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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