|
|
|
|
----------------------------
Wednesday
Apr 30 2003
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
----------------------------
Tuesday
Apr 29 2003
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
----------------------------
Monday
Apr 28 2003
Updated Employee
Handbook-Effective Immediately
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may
buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a
raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday
& Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation
days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees
whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names
begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40and so on. If you're unable to go at
your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now
a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of Three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open
and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will
be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can
look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because
that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Management
----------------------------
Sunday
Apr 27 2003
A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one
questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a
black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse. "Oh,
about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman.
The questioner smiled. "I thought you Italians were supposed to be
sexy!" she said.
"We are," said the gentleman.
" But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two
year old priest with no car"
----------------------------
Saturday
Apr 26 2003
A small boy was lost at a large
shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my
dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
----------------------------
Friday
Apr 25 2003
1.
If I told you that you had a nice body, would you grind it lasciviously against
me?
2.
I have a theory that if we go to your place, have anonymous sex, and part ways
in the morning without even saying goodbye, it would be totally great. Care to
test my theory?
3.
Was your daddy a grocer? Because it seems to me like there's a pair of plump,
ripe cantaloupes implanted in your breasts.
4.
Ever spend any time at the Neverland Ranch?
5.
Can I call you Deep-Fat Frier? Because you SIZZLE.
6.
If they had a MENSA for sexiness, I bet you'd be really, really smart.
7.
Aren't you that kid my big brother used to throw dog shit at?
8.
Check out this torso - it's ribbed… for her pleasure.
9.
Hey Big Boy - wanna play father figure to my three unruly teens?
10.
Did I mention that I breed ferrets as a hobby?
11.
Do you have a vagina in those pants?
12.
Do you like New England clam chowder? Really? I do too.
13.
You look like the kind of girl that doesn't make men pay for sex.
14.
You know, the storage closet in this place rents by the quarter-hour…
15.
Let me tell you, after six beers I'll go to bed with ANYONE…
16.
Wanna blow this place and check out a kegger under the railroad bridge?
17.
Don't be alarmed - this 30 year-old virgin isn't as desperate as he looks.
18.
If you were a 39th-level Magic User, with the ability morph, engaged in
one-on-one combat with Alfracadar, King of the Orcs, I wouldn't suggest rolling
to change to a more fearsome shape - but rather dazzling him with your natural
beauty, which is plentiful.
19.
I'm what they call the pretty pretty princess in her dirty, dirty underwear.
20.
If I looked up the word beautiful in the dictionary, I bet your picture would be
there, except that I'd look up your name instead of beautiful, and it wouldn't
be a dictionary, but your high school yearbook.
21.
Sweet prosthetic. Wanna stump?
22.
Bonjour cherie! Regardez la pomme de terre dans mes bluejeans.
23.
I'll make out with that hot girl sitting next to you if that will make you
happy.
24.
It's weird, but you totally remind me of this hermaphrodite who lived in my
dorm.
25.
If you're good, I'll show you a little something I like to call "The Booger
Finger"
26.
My mom says I'm the best kisser in the neighborhood.
27.
Hey beautiful - what say you cook me dinner for 40 years while I watch football
on the couch?
28.
So if you ask really nicely, I'll write my initials on your neck - totally in
hickies!
29.
You look just like the cyborg I'm building in my basement!
30.
How about I crack you over the head with a club and drag you home by the hair?
31.
You haven't partied until you've partied with a polka band!
32.
So, are you into cutting?
33.
Don't be deceived by this 60 inch waist - I know how to boogie!
34.
Wanna smoke some crank and hump till noon tomorrow?
35.
Want to go back to my place? I have digital cable and half a box of zinfandel.
36.
Hey! You live across the parking lot from me. I know this because of my
telescope. Maybe you could come over sometime and we could watch your dog
lick ramen broth off your cooter.
37.
You remind me of my uncle who had to go away for awhile.
38.
Let's play house. You can be the screen door - and I'll walk right through you
when I get drunk.
39.
What's a nice gay boy like you doing in an Elks Club bingo parlor like this?
40.
Is that a cheese log in your pants, or is your ass sweating crushed walnuts?
41.
I've never been married, but I swear you look like my first wife.
42.
Bitchin' funeral, right?
43.
Pardon me… has the crotch buffet opened yet?
44.
My heart has deflated! Quick - the inflation nozzle is in my left nipple.
45.
Check it toots: Daddy wants to ROCK YOUR WORLD.
46.
You look familiar - haven't I stalked you before?
47.
Is that a distended bladder - or are you just glad to see me?
48.
Maybe it's all the beer talkin', but I would LOVE to vomit on your bedside table
tonight.
49.
Do you find duct tape erotic?
(I deleted # 50. It was just too gross.)
----------------------------
Thursday
Apr 24 2003
Today's joke is for all the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey fans....
1-
Mrs. Woodys' DIARY
Saturday
night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I
asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my
fault
that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I
love you, too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he
seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed; about 10
minutes
later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and
we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided
to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying
and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do ... I'm almost sure
that his thoughts are with someone else.
My
life is a disaster.
2
- Woodys' DIARY
Today
the Leafs lost.
At
least I got laid.
----------------------------
Wednesday
Apr 23 2003
10
LITTLE "SHORTIE JOKES
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
________________________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water.
And then you dump the stock.
_______________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the
tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he
walks over and asks,
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies,
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
___________________________________________
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe
in hell."
__________________________________________________
A woman's perfect breakfast
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
________________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
______________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit,so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all
in one."
______________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old grand-daughter and beeped the horn by
mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "dumbass!" afterwards.
----------------------------
Tuesday
Apr 22 2003
Quote
for the day:
"A good friend will come bail you out of jail......but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...we f*cked up."
-----------------------------
And here's a joke Dan's Mon-key liked........
One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both books"? "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
----------------------------
Monday
Apr 21 2003
GENIE
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She
picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed
woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a
one-wish genie.
So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in
the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with
each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after
being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm
good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and
please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook
and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I
wish for - a good man."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that
freakin' map again."
----------------------------
Sunday
Apr 20 2003
What
Canadians think of their Prime Minister ....
Chretien and his chauffeur are rolling down a country road at night when
suddenly the limo hits a pig that has wandered onto the road. The pig is killed
instantly.
The Prime Minister instructs his driver, "Go up to da farm hover
dere an'hexplain to da honer of da pig what 'appen."
An hour later, Chretien sees his driver staggering back from the farm, his
clothes wrinkled, lipstick on his face, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar
in the other.
" What 'appen to you?" asks the P.M.
"Well, Mr.Prime Minister, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife
gave me a cigar, and their 19-year-old daughter made wild passionate love to
me."
" Tabarnak! What did you tell dem?" asks Chretien.
The driver answers, "Good evening, I am Jean Chretien's chauffeur and
I have just killed the pig!"
----------------------------
Saturday
Apr 19 2003
"Life
explained"
On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field all day long and suffer under the
sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life
span of sixty years." the cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years
and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said,
"That's too long to
be barking. Give me ten years, and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh.
I'll
give you a twenty year life span. "The Monkey said, "How boring,
monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's
what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only ! twenty
years? No way. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back.
That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay, "said God. "You've
got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grand-children and for the last ten years we sit in front of
the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
----------------------------
Friday
Apr 18 2003
One
American Marine...
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune: "One United States Marine is better
than ten Iraqis." The Iraqi commander quickly sends ten of his best
soldiers over the dune,
whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out: "One United States Marine is better than one
hundred Iraqis!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
again
silence.
The American voice calls out again: "One United States Marine is better
than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them
across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge
battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi soldier
crawls back over the dune and with his dying breath tells his commander:
"Don't send anymore men! It's a trap! There's TWO of them!"
----------------------------
Thursday
Apr 17 2003
Once
upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in
a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty
and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here..."
----------------------------
Wednesday
Apr 16 2003
It has been
brought to the management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from
some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no
longer be tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of being
able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so
that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner
without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his *ss.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I'm on a salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your *ss.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting!
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*ck you're doing.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my *ss.
----------------------------
Tuesday
Apr 15 2003
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly
hand-written envelope addressed to God.
He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some
thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the
month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep
and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same
morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another
envelope. He opens it and reads:
"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so
bleak otherwise.
"P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving
bastards at the Post Office."
----------------------------
Monday
Apr 14 2003
Guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and
whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary
Lou written
on it," she replies
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on," he explains.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with
an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says,
"What the
hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
----------------------------
Sunday
Apr 13 2003
Determining
Gender
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because
it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed,
and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRES - male, because they go bald and often are over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light
a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up so many
people.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider it
gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
----------------------------
Saturday
Apr 12 2003
An
old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large
pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end
of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or
make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the
alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every
time.
----------------------------
Friday
Apr 11 2003
A
woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink
a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
----------------------------
Thursday
Apr 10 2003
Some
good one liners for your amusement. (The sender liked #17 the best)
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get >From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad
Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
----------------------------
Wednesday
Apr 9 2003
Enemies
In The West
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on
your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the
west!"
"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
----------------------------
Tuesday
Apr 8 2003
Canada has a stockpile of a Weapon of Mass Destruction called Di-Hydrogen Oxide. This VMD stockpile was discovered by a young student doing a science fair project of all things. Here's the text telling the whole story....seems the Canadians are up to "no good".....
Dangerous Properties of Di-Hydrogen Oxide
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High (allegedly) won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive
sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. He feels the conclusion is obvious.
I copied the above (except the first paragraph) from a web page at http://www.biology4all.com/fun/fun4.asp
----------------------------A
priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road
holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now
before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he
sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead.
----------------------------HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her
Dine her
Call her
Support her
Hold her
Surprise her
Compliment her
Smile at her
Listen to her
Laugh with her
Cry with her
Romance her
Encourage her
Believe in her
Pray with her
Pray for her
Cuddle with her
Shop with her
Give her jewelry
Buy her flowers
Hold her hand
Write love letters to her
Go to the end of the earth for her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked
Bring food
Don't block the TV
----------------------------
Saturday
Apr 5 2003
One day in the far west, a little 5'1 guy enters a bar and asks: "Excuse me, does anyone here owned a Great Dane dog outside?". Suddenly, a 7'1 man stands up and says: "Mine, why?"
Ken
was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Promise to fulfill my last request, Cindy," he said.
"Of course, Ken," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry
Tim."
"But I thought you hated Tim," she said.
With his last breath, Ken said, "I do!"
Larry's bar...
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to
me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she goes to bed with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
The curse.....
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse"
he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
The first man...
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you
ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be," she says. "Your face does look familiar!"
A Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll
see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to
your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. Do you want to hear
my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, YES!"
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
----------------------------
Thursday
Apr 3 2003
Marty
wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and
the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the
side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot break-fast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you
came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked
in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the
door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married'!"
----------------------------
Wednesday
Apr 2 2003
Top
Ten Inventions By Blondes
- The water proof towel
- Solar powered flash light
- Submarine screen door
- A book on how to read
- Inflatable dart board
- A dictionary index
- Ejector seat in a helicopter
- Powdered water
- Pedal powered wheel chair
- Water proof tea bags
=============================================================
Consider using this form letter the next time you're planning on courting
someone from work.
Dearest [Woman's Name],
I am very happy to inform you that I have feelings for you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2002.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2002 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
=============================================================
Inspirational
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
TEAMWORK -- means never having to take all the blame yourself.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
----------------------------
Tuesday
Apr 1 2003
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