Jokes for Sept 2002

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt -

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and
says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"

*****************************************
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is
carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,
"Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"

**********************
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed
next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

****************************************
Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

*******************************
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob
tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years,
I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you
said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue
got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if
Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again."

********************************************
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over
to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

********************************
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

*************************************
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
Documentaries.

*************************************
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been
called a teethbrush.

***********************************
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
***********************************

A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a
couple divorced, they're still brother and sister.

*************************************
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane
in Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

IN PRISON        you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell

AT WORK        you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle

IN PRISON        you get three meals a day

AT WORK        you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

IN PRISON        you get time off for good behavior

AT WORK        you get rewarded for good behavior with more work

IN PRISON        the guard locks and unlocks the doors for you

AT WORK        you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself

IN PRISON        you can watch TV and play games

AT WORK        you get fired for watching TV and playing games

IN PRISON        they allow your family and friends to visit

AT WORK        you can't even speak to your family

IN PRISON        all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required

AT WORK        you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and they they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

IN PRISON        you spend most of your life looking through bars from
inside wanting to get out

AT WORK        you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars

IN PRISON        you must deal with sadistic wardens

AT WORK        they are called managers

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSH*T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly unmanly.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

Because I'm a man... when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man... when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." Then we will drink beer.

Because I'm a man... when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man... I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by clutching a calculator.

Because I'm a man... I don't think we're lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. How the heck would a complete stranger know where we're going?

Because I'm a man... there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is either sex or food, and it's a pain to have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man... I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, right up until the bar closes.

Because I'm a man... I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is just fine, I don't need to see it, and don't forget to pick up something for MY mom, too, because I don't have the slightest idea what to get her.

Because I'm a man... you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man... I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man... and this is, after all, the 21st Century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll take care of the garden and the car!

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?
Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself:
"How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?"
"How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?"
"How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'"
To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?
Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?
Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone we know."

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?
First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents.

If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably 'assisted living.' On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill F#$!*ing

Gates you know!," this is probably 'assisted computing.'
Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."

OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have
long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"

Ever notice how a 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my
next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

"First they sue the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer; Then the fast food places for making them fat. Guess I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with."

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 3-year-old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

This is an e-mail I received in response to the Ice Cream weight loss diet joke from Tuesday....this is quite funny. Steve B

I passed that around to the folks here at work and here is one response I received:

A very appealing article. However.... this could have a serious impact on people's health at our facility. To avoid any further weight gain... it's vital to point out some fundamental relationships.

1 calorie (IT) = 4.187 J ... enough energy to heat 1 g of water by 1 degree C 1 calorie (dietetic) = 4.1855 kJ = 4,185.5 J .... nearly enough energy to heat 1,000 g of water by 1 degree C.

So the question becomes, at what temperature would the food have to be served in
light of this new information?

Let us consider the case of the Quaker Fruit & Oatmeal bar... 37 g of goodness
that packs 130 dietetic calories, or ~130,000 IT calories.
Delta T = 130,000 / 37 / 1 = 3,702 ºC
So, Serving temperature required = 37 ºC - 3,702 ºC = -3,665 ºC.

What about the famous "ice cream" case below where the food changes phase from
solid to liquid.... which requires 83 cal/g? It is also reasonable to consider
this change of phase for the Fruit & Oatmeal bar since it also "melts in your
mouth" with a burst of fruity goodness. This would absorb 3,071 IT cal for the
case of the Fruit & Oatmeal bar. Unfortunately, taking into account the phase
change, the serving temperature is still -3,393 ºC.

Alas, it is thermodynamically impossible to achieve a temperature lower than
-273 ºC.....
So, having the latent heat cancel out the dietetic energy of this snack is
impossible.
Besides, at these temperatures the worry would shift from fat to frostbite!!

Stay tuned for the next cases....
What happens if you drink a cold regular soda pop, but then proceed to eat the 5
lb of (calorie-free) ice that comes with it?
What happens if you eat cold beans, which causes two phase changes from solid to
liquid, then from liquid to gas?

It is clear that more study is required. I'll get my assistant working on these
cases immediately!

Dr. Gary
Process Development Manager

George Carlin's view on aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! and then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her. 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

This is one of my favourite jokes.....
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary - last names deleted.
STORY:
---------
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels... I can't decide."

A way with words

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

5. Why is abbreviated such a long word?

6. Why is a boxing ring square?

7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?

9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start?

11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

17. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

18. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

20. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

21. What do people in China call their good plates?

22. What do you call a male ladybug?

24. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

25. Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only 1 bra?

26. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

27. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

28. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

29. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

30. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

31. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

32. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

33. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

34. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

35. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

36. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

37. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

38. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

39. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

40. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

41. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

42. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

43. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

44. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A farm boy accidentally overturns his truck. His neighbour, hearing the noise, yells: ‘Wills, come for a drink. I’ll help with the truck later.’

‘Come on,’ the farmer insists. ‘OK,’ the boy agrees, ‘but my dad won’t like it.’

I After a few drinks and a hearty dinner, Wills thanks his host ‘I feel much better now,’ he says, ‘but I know Dad will be really upset.’ ‘I’ll talk to him,’ the farmer says. ‘Where is he?’ ‘Under the truck.’

Smack him again!!!

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn.

When Heidi started going into labour, she called "911."

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very,very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver
the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,
and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place. "Smack him again!"

The officer gets out and says, "You lawyers are so materialistic, you are so mad about the car being damaged that you didn't even notice that
your arm has been ripped off too".

A man approached a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "I've lost my wife here. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Because every time I tall to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Grossly overweight Louth turfcutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini,
Seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions,
candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own
car and be willing to travel.

Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks
replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie.
Thurles area.

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints,
fags, Glasgow Celtic football club and starting scraps on Patrick Street at
three in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Kerryman lately rejected by longtime fiancee
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger-haired Galwegian trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after
a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce
along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong
stomach esssential.

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
functions. References required. No timewasters.

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with big
chest.

Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering cats in
cemetaries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition
at Jolenes Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man
who's not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and listening to
old Abba records. Please, Please!

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.

Optimistic Mayo man 35, seeks blonde 20 year old double-jointed
supermodel who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister.

From Dave Letterman:
Top Ten Canadian Euphemisms For Sex

10. Playing mountie
9. Fur trapping
8. Making Peg whinny
7. Entering parliament
6. Pulling the goalie
5. Doin' it, eh?
4. Putting the "man" in Manitoba
3. High sticking
2. Stuffing a beaver -- the beaver is our national animal
1. Oh, Oh, Oh Canada

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder -- This is how it goes!

I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken to the Post Office.

O.K., I'm going to the Post Office....

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on the desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. O.K., I'll just put the bills on my desk.

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. BUT since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills. Yes, Now where is the check book? Ooops, there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks ....

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing there? I'll just put them away ....

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and ... Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony .....

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks. END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bill still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys ...

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because ....

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious ...
I'd get help ...

Proverbs for the New Millennium

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when we first practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. There's no place like http://www.home.com

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stronger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. Virtual reality is its own reward.

19. Modulation in all things.

20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
-------------

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died.

The next day at 12:01 pm the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, tells the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!

"Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven" and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. Then all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course, I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy" he thinks to himself. "Very well" the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel. "OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," God says, "Go right ahead". "OK," the man says.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

Four elderly ladies are sitting playing bridge. The first lady says: ‘Girls, I’ve known you all many years and there’s something I’ve got to get off my chest. I’m a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I’ve never stolen from any of you and I never will.’

The second lady pipes up: ‘Well, since we’re confessing all, I must tell you I’m a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I’ve never fried to seduce your husbands and I never will.’

‘Well,’ says the third lady. ‘I’ve something to confess too. I’m a lesbian. But don’t worry, you’re not my type.’

The fourth lady stands up: ‘I must confess,’ she says, ‘I’m an incurable gossip, and I’ve some phone calls to make.’

A man walks into a bar with an octopus and bets the locals £1,000 that it can play any Instrument. One man hands it a guitar and it strums away. Soon It’s producing tunes on a piano. Mouth organ and violin, too. Then a Scotsman turns up with bagpipes. The owner of the octopus looks worried and whispers to it, can you play that, or shall we leg It?’ ‘Play It?’ replies the octopus. “I’m going to bonk it once I’ve got its pyjamas off!”

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level I went up onto the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of
the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby
-------------

A few truths in aviation

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.

A checkride ought to be like a skirt--short enough to be
interesting, but long enough to cover everything

Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly: airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
    A doctor in a Bonanza.
    Two captains in a DC-9.
    A flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

Aircraft Identification:
    If it's ugly, it's British.
    If it's weird, it's French.
    If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive
flying club.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a
good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit'
of an A-320.) "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
    If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
    If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind
and head into the ground.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the
engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto: "We're not happy, til you're not happy."

A copilot is a knothead until he spots opposite direction traffic at
12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:
    1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
    2. Do not go near the edges of it.
    3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there.

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th
unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here son.
This is where the food is."

--
"Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose
the one that will get you home by nine o'clock."   - Ronald Reagan

-------------

The value of good underwear...

Be careful what you wear when working under your vehicle especially in public. This is a true news story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned after an hour of shopping to find a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw her husband's legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although he was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde

Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken

Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
-------------------------------------------------------

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you
can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you
let in first?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward his
car when his attention was diverted to another man
kneeling at a grave.

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I
don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The
wife decided to make a wish, too. But
she leaned over too much,fell into the well and
drowned.

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Mississippi. We settle small disagreements like this with the Mississippi Three-Kick Rule."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his
face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

A CNN reporter went to Israel to cover the fighting. She was looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like he man in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who's been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"What do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."

Original Quote
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
The New Versions.....
******************

* Pessimist: *
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

*Optimist: *
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

*Suspicious: *
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

*Playful:*
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back,
and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

*C++ Programmer:*
If(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe

*Animal-Rights Activist*:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

*Lawyers:*
If you love someone,
Set her free, Clause 1a of Paragraph
13a-1 in the second amendment
of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

*Bill Gates:*
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and but tell her that she's also going to get an
upgrade.

*Biologist:*
If you love someone,
Set her free, She'll evolve.

*Statisticians:*
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is
high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

*Over possessive person:*
If you love someone don't set her free.

*HR specialist:*
If you love someone
set her free by Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

*MBA:*
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously.

*Finance expert:*
If you love someone
set her free...
If she comes back its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

*Marketing Expert:*
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she does'nt, reposition the brand in new markets.

************************************************************
When life seems just a dreary grind,
And things seem fated to annoy,
Say something nice to someone else
And watch the world light up with joy.

Is gas really expensive?
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?
This makes one think, and puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ....... $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ............. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ............... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................. $84.48 per gallon
and this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon.
$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source.
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...........!

These were written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much
with so few words. Enjoy....

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class or happiness.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

In Hillybilly country, the hillbilly's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

keep reading

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, " do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

The owner of a golf course in Arkansas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Florida State University. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied...

"Everything but my earrings."
-------------

The following are supposedly extracts from translations into English
found in European travel brochures.

"Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.
The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have
intercourse with all new guests.

"The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in the bar. We organise social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with himself.

"The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting.
At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

"Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the
chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to
squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

"Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You
will struggle to forget it."--

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very,very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. "Smack him again!"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
please tie my shoe?"

         =============================

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me.    "Is that a dog you got back there?"
he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

         ==============================

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this!"

         ===============================

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next
morning."

         ===============================

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said. "Glory be unto the Faaaather...and unto the Sonnnn...and into the
hole you goooo."

         ================================

To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic
Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks
display lights up the sky. One night I noticed a small boy about three
years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware
only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over,
the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."

         ===================================

My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old,
Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father
appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
"I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.

         ===============================

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless
hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she
smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot,
sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked
at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate
roast beef."

         ===================================

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.
Early the next morning, our 3 1/2-year old ran into our bedroom to wake us
up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he
exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells and they all work."

         ===================================

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. I can't read, I can't write--and they won't let me talk!"

         ==================================

One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter.
A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. "What
happened?" my mother asked." "I just fooled the people at the post office.
When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying
any stamps."

         ==================================

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.

The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

Ultimate Stupidity

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog?
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused, and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

----BOOM!----

Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two retards standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

"Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance,
personal or sick days."

"I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost."

"Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation."

"I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences...I make points as well as I can."

"My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in
which I can work a more flexible schedule."

"Hire me and you won't regret it--I am funny, cute, smart and creative... really."

"Work history: Bakery--proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards."

"Previous experience: Administrative Assitant. Required high detail orentation and acuracy."

"...I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly."

"Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days."

"Personal achievements: Successfully played 'Chop Sticks' on a toy piano with my big toes."

"Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication."

Please explain any breaks in your employment career: "15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store."

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the
dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting
from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some
racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen
with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened
example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could
follow."

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*ck all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding, up or do we need to get another one?"

A whale of a story...
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp down all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at her man and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
--------------------------------