Thursday Oct 31 2002
A big-city lawyer was representing
the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull
was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher
only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Oct 30 2002
Wednesday Oct 30 2002
Actual Answering Machine
Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International
Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a « sexy » message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by
The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages...
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
Oct 29 2002
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
Tuesday Oct 29 2002Rules For Men
Monday Oct 28 2002Two old guys with alzhiemers in a retirement home and one says I think I hear an Ice Cream van! The other says Great! I will go and get us some Ice cream. So the first old timer requests a cone and says to the other - you want me to write that down for you? The other old guy says its ok I will remember that easy enough. Just as he gets up the first guy says again - get me a flake in it! you want me to write that down? the old guy says - Not at all I will be ok. Just as he is heading out the door the first Old guy says -wait! get me some of those hundreds and thousands on it too! You want that written down? The second old guy says - What do think I am stupid? You want a cone with a flake and hundreds and thousands on it! An hour goes by then two then three and no sign of the old geezer. Finally four hours later he lands in and hands his old pal a pie. The old guy says back "where's my bloody fries???"
Sunday Oct 27 2002
A great note for all to read. It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking.
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man couldn't hear the band -- he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he
propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world
outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside
the bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just
wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.
"Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."
People will forget what you said...
People will forget what you did...
But people will never forget how you made them feel...
Oct 26 2002
Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Saturday Oct 26 2002ALCOHOLCONSUMPTION WARNINGS
Friday Oct 25 2002
Thursday Oct 24 2002Man lying in bed with his wife and the thought comes to him, 'How come she never moans and groans when we are making love?' So he delicately shares this ponderance with the good lady lying by his side. She comes back even more delicately with ' I did'nt realise that you wanted me to darling.' So he says 'well it would be nice if you did' and
Wednesday Oct 23 2002Dear Abby,
Tuesday Oct 22 2002
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
Top 9 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Pack My Stuff
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid Section
5 People Make Me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Plainly; Men Suck
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?
Monday Oct 21 2002Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Sunday Oct 20 2002Three Little Words
Oct 19 2002
1st DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two
in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone,
listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from
here!" and hung up. The husband said, Who was that?" The wife said, "I
don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
2nd DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it,
looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The
second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her
the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy,
3rd DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she
goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as
she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it
to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's
5th DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant? "Is it mine?"
6th DEGREE: A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a
scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was
stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm
just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?"
the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the
strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when
from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to
the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there
was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I
swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said,
cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was
your air freshener swinging back and forth."
7th DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As
the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and
then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Saturday Oct 19 20027 degrees of blonde:
Friday Oct 18 2002
It's physically impossible
for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." Note from Steve B.....Just last weekend I heard a drunk utter a word that rhymed with Month.....but it wasn't really a word......he said it just before he fell off his bar stool.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. (Note from Steve B.....this fact only applies to human males)
The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Note from Steve B.....Heck.....one of my former Dentist invented the electric chair....I positive of this fact!! OUCH!!!
All polar bears are left-handed. (Note from Steve B.....as a Canadian I feel I should know this fact)
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (Note from Steve B.....This was so typewriter salesmen could quickly type the word when trying to sell this new machine...or so the story goes)
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Note from Steve B...why is there a comma after that word Go?
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Note from Steve B.....As a scale modeller this makes no sense and this fact must have been written by a twit. The true height of the Doll would probably be 5'10" tall....therefore the above measurements would be less in size....yup....spoken by the dad of two girls that play with Barbies....Do I play with Barbies?...As if I'd ever admit that here!!! ;-)
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. (Note from Steve B.....Not many of those up here in Canada)
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Note from Steve B.....Is this 18 acres of pizza every day per American? Good grief people....time to push away from the pizza table!!! ;-)
Almost everyone who reads this e-mail will try to lick their elbow. Note from Steve B....I tried...and failed.
Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know. They will get a kick out of it!! Note from Steve B....Yup....go ahead and fill up your friends heads with useless facts.......hummm....all polar bears are left handed....got to remember that one....
You tried to lick your
elbow didn't you!
Oct 17 2002
A. Female........Any part under a car's hood.
B. Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female........Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
B. Male..........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female........The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
B. Male...........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female.........A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male...........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female.........A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male...........Anything that can be done while drinking.
6. FLATULENCE (flachulens) n
A. Female.........An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
A. Female........The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female........A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male..........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
Thursday Oct 17 2002NEW DEFINITIONS
Tuesday Oct 15 2002
This chain letter was
developed by virile men in order to improve their marital lives . As
opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you. Then
anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
* 0.5 Miss Worlds
* 2.5 models
* 463 wild nymphos
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
* 40,198 bi-sexual women
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.)
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages. YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL !!!
This is a unique
opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sexlife.
No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS: Even when you have no
girlfriend, you can use your vacuum cleaner.
PPS: This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
(Must dash, the post has just arrived)
Oct 14 2002
1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3.---You're been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night.
5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."
8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.
10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines."
12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
1 8.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
Monday Oct 14 2002You know you're "Trailer Trash" when:
Sunday Oct 13 2002
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and
says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...
Oct 12 2002
Saturday Oct 12 2002
NEW RESEARCH FINDINGS ON
1. Tests have shown that women rate 3% higher in
general intelligence than men although their
brain size is smaller. Most women act dumb to
make their mates look good.
2. Women are
walking radar detectors, that is
why men have difficulty lying to women. Their
brains have the ability to integrate and decipher
verbal, visual and other signals of body language.
3. Women want lots of sex with the man she
loves. Men just want lots of sex.
4. When men flirt, they will lower their pitch
of voice. Women will raise theirs.
5. Women talk and think aloud while men do them
silently. As a result, men think women talk too
much and are nags.
6. Women talk about their problems as a way of
relieving stress. She wants to be heard, not
fixed by being offered advice and solutions.
7. Speech and words are not a specific brain
skill for men. They find it hard to express
themselves. That's why they often choose greeting
cards with plenty of words inside. That way,
there's less space for them to write.
8. Women leave men, not because they are unhappy
with what he can provide, but because they are
9. Women uses an average of 20,000 communication
words, sounds, and gestures a day. Men only
use about 7,000.
10. So if a woman is talking to you a lot, she
likes you. But if she's not talking, you're
11. Men are more thick-skined than women.
Literally.Which explains why women have more
wrinkles than men.
12. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship,
she can't concentrate on her work. If a man
13. Men can only do one thing at a time. When
they stop their car to read a street directory,
they have to turn down the radio. Women's brains
are configured for multi-tasking performance.
They can talk on the phone, watch the TV and
cook at the same time.
14. Most men get a brain hemorrhage after 20
minutes of clothes shopping.
15. When it comes to sex, women need a reason;
men need a place.
16. 15% to 20% of men have feminised brains.
About 10% of women have masculinised brains.
So there are more gays than lesbians in the world.
Oct 11 2002
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a very mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are devious.......don't mess with them.
Friday Oct 11 2002A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
Wednesday Oct 9 2002A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
Oct 8 2002
The well-dressed gentleman responds: "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would
you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
"You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods,
would you?" asks the man.
Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home
cooked meal.The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the
better of him."Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy
like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see
what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish, gamble or play golf."
Tuesday Oct 8 2002"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
Monday Oct 7 2002"A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: Give four advantages of breast milk.
Sunday Oct 6 2002A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
Saturday Oct 5 2002These are the survey answers received from dogs when asked "How many dogs
Friday Oct 4 2002A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
Thursday Oct 3 2002BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
Wednesday Oct 2 2002Who says men aren't sensitive!!!
A woman meets a gorgeous man
in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get
back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices
that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that
this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is
quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they
kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Oct 1 2002
All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again...Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again, they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Tuesday Oct 1 2002At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and waits for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.