Wednesday Nov 27 2002

Let's go for stupid
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Parents can be tricky ......

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you ... your Mother and I are divorcing.  Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
 

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, PROMISE ME!?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfares."

-----------------------------

Tuesday Nov 26 2002

What kids think about romance and marriage (Brilliant!)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
**********************************
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you  like sports, she should keep the chips and dip  coming.
Alan, age 10
 -----------------------------------------------------
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age  10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
*****************************************
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
-----------------------------------------------
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
**************************************************
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
***********************************************
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
**************************************************
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
--------------------------------------------
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
***********************************************
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote About me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
 *********************************
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7 (typical)
----------------------------------------------------
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. 
Howard, age 8 (sucker)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
 ***********************************************
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8 (my man!)

----------------------------------------------------
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
 **********************************************
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8 (he he he)

And the #1 Favourite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
*************************************
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10 (clever boy!)

-----------------------------

Monday Nov 25 2002

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Vancouver Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Vancouver. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Vancouver".

Unfortunately, he forgets to switch off the intercom and now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot. "Well Skipper, watcha gonna do in Vancouver?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation.

"Well" says the Captain, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel & take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge rack. I'm gonna wine her & dine her, take her back to my room & put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag & down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

-----------------------------

Sunday Nov 24 2002

Analogies & Metaphors Found in school Essays

 Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
-Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
 -Unknown

 He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
 -Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
 -Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
 -Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
 -Wayne Goode, Madison,AL

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
-Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
-Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
-Unknown

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
-Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
-Jean Sorensen, Herndon

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
-Jerry Pannullo, Kensington

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
-Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
-Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
 -Bonnie Speary Devore,Gaithersburg

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame.  Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
-John Kammer, Herndon

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
-Susan Reese, Arlington

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
-Marian Carlsson, Lexington

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
-Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
-Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
-Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
-Susan Reese, Arlington

She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.
-Tom Witte, Gaithersburg

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
-Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
-Sue Lin Chong, Washington

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
-Sue Lin Chong, Washington

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
 -Chuck Smith,Woodbridge

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
 -Joseph Romm, Washington

-----------------------------

Saturday Nov 23 2002

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.  One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.  Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"  "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, isn't that obvious?)  "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm  sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.  "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true," said the woman, "but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

-----------------------------

Friday Nov 22 2002

-----------------------------

Thursday Nov 21 2002

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.  The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" 

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde.  I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, First Class isn't going to Houston."

-----------------------------

Wednesday Nov 20 2002

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A CANADIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want the government
to give you three cows.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
A farmer has two cows.
You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for
the international community to supply more.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then
create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month,and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity,
and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute...

-----------------------------

Tuesday Nov 19 2002

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.  The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits"

-----------------------------

Monday Nov 18 2002

Luckiest B*stard In The World 

BELGRADE - A Yugoslav Army paratrooper has survived a drop from an altitude of 3,300 feet after both his parachutes malfunctioned. 40-year-old Dragan Curcic escaped with minor cuts and bruises after his main and spare parachutes first failed to open and then became tangled when they opened simultaneously. "He went through the roof of an army building. Only God himself saved him from certain death," an eyewitness said. Another Yugoslav holds the record for surviving a fall from the greatest altitude without a parachute. Air hostess Vesna Vulovic plunged 33,330 feet into a snowbound forest in Czechoslovakia in 1972 when the air liner she was on exploded.

-----------------------------

Sunday Nov 17 2002

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.  Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.  

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."  

He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"  

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.  

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

-----------------------------

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.

By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it. 

When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?"

"Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so I ate that too."

His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish b*stard!"

-------------

Friday Nov 15 2002

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ~~~~

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they
make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

                      ~~~~~

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?) 

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a
suggestion.) 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save
me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."  (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out
there, help me on this.  I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

-------------

Wednesday Nov 13 2002

More wisdom from Homer Simpson....

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!

Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.

Is the poop deck really what I think it is?

Television. Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one.

Damn you, Rock-em Sock-em Robots! Can't we all just get along?

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.

I think I've figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.

Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.

American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?

Female: So general what things are you going to teach the young boys today when they visit your base?

General: We are going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting

Female: Shooting? That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

General: I don't see why, they will be properly supervised on the range

Female: Don't you admit that it is a terribly dangerous thing to teach children?

General: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

Female: But you're equiping them to be violent killers.

General: Well, your equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ends.......

Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well.  Hope you are.  Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for Old Man Minch a mile.  Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.  Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.  You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food.  But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.  Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.  We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.  A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks.  The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher.  He nags some.  The Capt. is like the school board.  Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move.  And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son, Zeke

P.S.  Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth.
The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z.

-------------

Saturday Nov 9 2002

-------------

Friday Nov 8 2002

25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP


        1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
       2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
       3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
       4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
       5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
       6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
       7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
       8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
       9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
       10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
       11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
       12. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
       13. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
       14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
       15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
       17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
       18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
       19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
       20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
       21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
       22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink like that again"!
       23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
       24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
       25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Inside every older person is a younger
person -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

The hardest years in life are
those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

I refuse to think of them as chin
hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things are going to get a lot worse
before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

A male gynecologist is like an auto
mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first being, hitting my head on the
top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Every time I close the door on reality
it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whatever women must do they must do
twice as well as men to be thought half
as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head
together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

I try to take one day at a time, but
sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you can't be a good example, then you'll
just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I was young, I was put in a
school for retarded kids for two years
before they realized I actually had a
hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde
jokes because I know I'm not
dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

If high heels were so wonderful, men
would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears
makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

When women are depressed they either eat
or go shopping. Men invade another country.

-Elayne Boosler-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-
if you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice
on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nobody can make you feel inferior
without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

On a Wing and a Prayer, by Rick Reilly

Now this message for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets.  Many of you already have -- John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few.  If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam.  Change your name.  Fake your own death.  Whatever you do, do not go.  I know.  The U.S. Navy invited me to try it.  I was thrilled.  I was pumped.  I was toast!  I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.  Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it.  He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handsha! ke -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time.  If you see this man, run the other way.  Fast.  Biff King was born to fly.

His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions.  ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?)  Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad.  Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."  Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.  I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.  "Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?"  I asked.  "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."  The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast.  (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot -- but, still, very cool.)  I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed.  If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, that was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.  Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up.

In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph.  We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.  Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.  Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.  It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over *.  Only without rails.  We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks.  We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute.

We chased another F-14, and it chased us.  We broke the speed of sound.  Sea was sky and sky was sea.  Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G-force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.  I egressed the pizza from the night before.  And the lunch before that.  I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.  I made Linda Blair look polite.  Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed.  I went through not one airsick bag, but two.  Biff said I passed out.  Twice.  I was coated in sweat.  At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.  I used to know cool.  Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite.  But now I really know cool.  Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves.  I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for les! s a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.  A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called.  He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me.  Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.  What is it?  I asked.  "Two Bags."  Don't you dare tell Nicole.

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Sunday Nov 2 2002

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Saturday Nov 1 2002

You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an electrified fooling machine.

First you tell me not to buy the pony, now you're telling me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, writing to TV Guide and renewing TV Guide.

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Yes, honey, just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.

No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whizz.

There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Consider them smacked and hugged. I don't consider it a message if it's not mixed anyway.

If God had wanted me to go to church for an hour a week, he would have made the week an hour longer.

Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable Hellions, pardon my French, but they act like savages! Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did, you're everywhere, you're omnivorous.

It's because they're stupid.  That's why everyone does everything.

Hallucinations again? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the
parking lot.

 This gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of  power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

 But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day, then it was every other day.  Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.

 Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?

 Why, you could wake up tomorrow and be dead.

 You gave both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving.

With $10,000, we can be millionaires!

Ah, beer. My love for you will never die.

The fame was like a drug.  But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose—it's how drunk you get.

Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike—you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number three, "It was like that when I got here."

Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please Superman—help me!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy.

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

(Praying) Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy bidding will be done.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Internet! Is that thing still around?

Trying is the first step towards failure.

 All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

 You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college.

 America's health care system is second only to Japan...Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe. But you can  thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

 A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.

Bart, you're saying "butt-kisser" like it's a bad thing!

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.

Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos.

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

Can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch my self in two places at once.

Stupid risks make life worth living.

How come the bear can crap in the woods and I can't?

I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood.

Stupid T.V. Be more funny.

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

It is better to watch things than to do them.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Now I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking.

Let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.

I may be naked and reeking with panda love, but I have my dignity.

I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!

Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep—in a blender.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a cue tip!

I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. SMRT.

There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!

Marge, tonight we're gettin' drive-thru and doin' it twice!

The winner will be praised with riches, the loser will be booed until my throat is sore.

 Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Note to self. Stop doing anything.

Florida. That's America's wang.

If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around.

Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President.

Who needs new music? We all know rock music attained perfection in 1974.

I'm just trying to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus.

Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.