Jokes for May 2002

It seems that a young couple had just got married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newly-weds. After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old. At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they
never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak,
but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day.
The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

Men are like slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars."

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

"All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism."

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

"You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
       =========================================

1.   She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CANADIAN.
2.   She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3.   She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4.   She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5.   She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6.   She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7.   She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8.   She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
9.   She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
10. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
11. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
13. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

     HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
       ========================================

1.   He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2.   He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3.   He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4.   He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5.   He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6.   He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
7.   He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8.   He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY

______________________________________________________________________________________

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said..."Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes..I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive!

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Sign on Road: Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled..

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

********************************************************
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

************************************************

One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

CONTINUING EDUCATION COURSES FOR WOMEN:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is a list of further education courses being run for women . Please feel free to enrol in any you may wish;
---------------------------------------------------------------

   1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

   2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

   3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need Different Shoes For Every Day.

   4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

   5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.

   6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

   7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

   8. Valuation Of Ideas: Just Because It's Not Important to You . .

   9. Communication Skills I: Tears -- The Last Resort, Not the First.

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

15. An Introduction to Parking.

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

17. Overcoming Obsessive Behavior:Learning To Leave Towels on The Floor.

18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.

19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

21. Cooking III: How Not To Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

23. PMT: Your Problem . . . Not His.

24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

25. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

26. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

27. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

28. Ballet: For Women Only.

29. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.

30. Learning to Go in Public Lavatories.

31. "Do These Jeans Make My Bum Look Big?" -- Why Men Lie.

32. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

33. Sexy Lingerie: For Any Occasion

Subject: Classes for Men

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS -SIGN-UP BY May 25TH

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.

TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.
STEP BY STEP, WITH SLIDE PRESENTATION.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? ROUND TABLE DISCUSSION.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? GROUP PRACTICE.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. PICTURES AND EXPLANATORY
GRAPHICS.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
EXAMPLES ON VIDEO.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. HELPLINE SUPPORT AND SUPPORT GROUPS.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. OPEN FORUM.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. GRAPHICS AND AUDIO TAPE.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS. DRIVING SIMULATION.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE. ONLINE CLASS AND ROLE PLAYING.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION RELAXATION. EXERCISES, MEDITATION AND BREATHING TECHNIQUES.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. CEREBRAL SHOCK THERAPY SESSIONS AND FULL LOBOTOMIES OFFERED.

**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS

THE RIGHT AGE FOR CUSSING

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

POTATO STORY

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes
for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of TaterTots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the
straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.> (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure you are ready for this?

Are you REALLY sure you are ready for this?

A Common Tater.

The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.

The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet with the right attorney you could win anything!

Editors note: Today is "US Armed Forces Appreciation Day"....so I picked a joke that I think the folks in the various branches of the US military may find somewhat amusing.

The Navy, Army, and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race.
Each team practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the
race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed.
The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing
defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was
formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
They concluded that the primary difference between the two teams was that
the Navy had 8 sailors paddling and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force
had 1 airman paddling and 8 officers and NCOs steering.
So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and
paid them incredible amounts of money. The consultants delivered a three
volume report, and advised that too many people were steering the boat and
not enough people were paddling.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of
Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the team's organizational
structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman
paddling the canoe greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air
Force Canoe Team Quality Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day
pass for the paddler.
"We must give the paddler empowerment and enrichment through this quality
program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the
paddler for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development
of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the
paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather jackets to the
beleaguered steering officers in the hopes that they would stay for next
year's race.
The Army team, meanwhile, having only recently obtained funding for a boat,
is trying to figure out why the paddles keep making divots in the grass when
they're paddling!

Hillbilly, Herman James, was drafted by the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man, he was issued a comb. The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off.
On the third day the Army issued him a tooth brush.
On the fourth day the Army dentist yanked several ofhis teeth out.
On the fifth day he was issued a jock strap... that afternoon
Herman went AWOL.

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here"

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "Okay, how much?"

Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750."

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Leafs Fans

Three hockey fans were on their way to a game in Toronto when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, drunk and passed out. Out of respect and propriety, the Ottawa fan took off his Senators cap and placed it over her right breast. The Montreal fan took of his
Canadians cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Toronto fan took off his Leafs cap and placed it over her crotch. 911 were called and, when the fire officer arrived, he conducted his assessment. First, he lifted up the Ottawa Senators cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Montreal Canadians cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Toronto Maple Leafs cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Ottawa fan was getting upset and finally asked, "Whats the deal, are all firefighters perverts or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the firefighter, "I'm simply surprised. Normally, when I look under a Leafs cap , I find an _ _ _hole."

The Bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. she walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've
bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable.
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow."
("com-for-da-bul").

1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

2. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

4. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

5. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

6. And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

7. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage
situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

11. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

12. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

14. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

15. Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

16. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

18. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

19. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

20. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and
it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the
tape!

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I
apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat
crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go!
You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year
from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge! . Being miserable because of
a bad or former relationship
just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when
you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Two fat guys in a pub, one turns to the other and says" your round mate" to which the other guy responds "so are you plonker".

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. He asked his students again if the jar was full? They agreed that yes, it was.

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.

The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car.

If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important. Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand.

Then a graduate student pulled a can of beer out and proceeded to pour it into the jar. Just goes to show that no matter how full your life, there's always room for beer.

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

A guy comes home early one day to discover his wife packing her suitcase. "What's going on?" he asks. To which, she replys, "I just learned that, for what I've been giving to you for FREE all of these years, women make $250 a TIME for in Las Vegas, so I'm moving to Las Vegas!" Her husband then gets HIS suitcase from the closet, and starts packing.
"So, what're YOU doing?" she asks him.
"I just want to see how you live on $500 a year!"

Two married buddies are out at the local hobby shop one evening when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home late at night after I've bought a new model kit, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I hide the new model kit in the garage, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for buying a new model kit!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, put the new model kit on my workbench, storm up the steps with the new kit in hand, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

(URP) - Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.     But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what;
metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
   ..........................................
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance
in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
    ..........................................
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess
and they both lived happily ever after.

(Scroll down for the answer)

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M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking you pervert?

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than
I heard a voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"

Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"

What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, why don't you f*ck off.