Jokes for June 2002

A farm boy accidentally overturns his truck. His neighbour, hearing the noise, yells: ‘Wills, come for a drink. I’ll help with the truck later.’

‘Come on,’ the farmer insists. ‘OK,’ the boy agrees, ‘but my dad won’t like it.’

I After a few drinks and a hearty dinner, Wills thanks his host ‘I feel much better now,’ he says, ‘but I know Dad will be really upset.’ ‘I’ll talk to him,’ the farmer says. ‘Where is he?’ ‘Under the truck.’

A trucker, who has been out on the road for three weeks, stops at a brothel. He hands the madam £500 and says: ‘I want your ugliest woman and a Spam sandwich.’ The Madam is astonished. ‘But sir, for £500 you can have one of my finest ladies and a three course meal,’ she says. The trucker replies: Listen, I’m not horny, I’m homesick.’

A man at the bar is staring at his drink. After half an hour, a troublemaker takes the drink and downs it. As the man starts crying, the troublemaker says: ‘Look, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink.’ ‘It’s not that,’ the man says. ‘This has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept, was late for work and my boss fired me. Then I went to leave, only to find my car had been stolen. When I reported it, the police said they couldn’t do anything. And as I stepped out of the cab when I got home, I realized I’d left my wallet and credit card in the car. Then I found my wife in bed with the milkman, so I came to this pub. And while I was thinking about ending my life, you went and drank my poison.’

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids...I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmmmm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase."

It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Center left home for work on Sept. 11. When he got to Manhattan, he decided to spend the morning at his girlfriend's apartment in the Village. When he got to her place, he turned off the phones, TV and radio and spent the entire morning in bed with her. At about 11:00 am, while still at her place, he turned his cell phone back on to retrieve his messages. A second later it rang.

His wife was on the phone crying and screaming at him, "I've been trying to call you for over two hours!! I've been worried sick about you! Are you OK?!?"

A hillbilly walks into a home improvement store and says "Give me a chain saw that can
cut down ten trees in an hour. So the guy gives him a chain saw. The next day the
hillbilly comes back and says "You lied, it only cut down one scrawny baby tree in an
hour!" The man behind the desk comes up, grabs the chain saw, gets it's motor running and just then the hillbilly said "Hey! what's that noise?"

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Marriage: It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gains her master's.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in the word OPPORTUNITY

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and shakes your confidence after.

Ghost story

A professor at the West Virginia University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he Asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghost do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a
ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make is way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" To which Billy Bob replied, "Sheeeeeiiiiiit!!!
From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!

One day while on the farm Uncle Jon was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, James, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event. Uncle Jon thought to himself: "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees' to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I'll just answer them as best I can." After Uncle Jon finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to James and asked him: "Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?" "Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it
.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES....

....A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

....A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

....A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

....A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

....A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

....A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

....DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

....CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

....BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

....AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

....A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

....A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

....A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

....AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

....A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

....A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

....A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

....A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

....AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

....A TALIBAN
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.

Geography of woman and man

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like a dicktator - ruled by a dick.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you. Good Luck!

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE":
We don't pay you enough to dress well. Start buying your clothing at
K-mart.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":
You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":
Some time each night, and some time every weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY":
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":
We have no quality control and no secretary.

"CAREER-MINDED":
Female Applicants must be childless, (and end up remaining that way).

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":
We've filled the job; we are taking resumes as a legal formality, you
will
never hear from us.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE":
We lost three employees this week. You are responsible for taking over
their jobs.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST":
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS":
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay and
without
the respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS":
Management communicates, you listen, don't talk, figure out what they
want
and do it.

"ADVANCEMENT OPPORTUNITIES":
The job sucks so bad, it can only get better.

"COLLEGE DEGREE REQUIRED":
You will be the highest qualified employee in years.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked, the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name their rottweiler Jesus."

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

One day a kid went to school and the teacher said, "For homework, I want you to find out the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'." So the kid went home and asked his father, "Dad, what's the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?" His father replied, "Ask you mother if she'd sleep with somebody for a million dollars." The son sort of looked at his father funny, but proceeded. "Mom, would you sleep with someone for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Well son, that is quite a large sum of money...I think I would." So the son went back to his father and said, "Dad, Mom said she would do it, but I just don't understand, what does that have to do with 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?" The father replied, "Don't worry about it, just ask your sister if she'd do it." Reluctantly the boy went and asked his sister. She replied, "A million dollars? OF COURSE I WOULD DO IT!!"
So, the boy returned once again to his father saying, "Dad, she said she'd do it too, but I still don't understand, what does that have to do with 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?"

The father replied, "Well son, HYPOTHETICALLY we're sitting on two million dollars, REALISTICALLY, we're living with a couple of whores!"

Results of nagging:

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend playing softball with the boys and spending his entire
paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for
two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

1) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

2) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! .

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. .

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. .

6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive. .

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. .

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. .

9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe. .

10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing. .

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

14) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

21) Beer - The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

22) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old)

23) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

24) "Procrastinate..... Now"

25) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"

26) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone"

27) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

28) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

29) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15"

30) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"

31) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

32) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"

33) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

34) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

35) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

36) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"

37) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken"

38) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

39) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog

40) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."

41) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

42) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

43) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."

44) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

45) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

46) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

47) "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

48) "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine."

59) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!"

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers? Don't get upset about
it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy
and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no
one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died ..." When they try to get
to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell
them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she
tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you
can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends
... would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get
out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When
they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your
credit-card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company; they often
can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the
receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your
food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some food.

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell.
If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not
since it is such a great product.

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come
on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon how's your momma?"

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...
louder ... louder ... louder ...

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD
down.

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can
call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or
they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at
home. If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly
say "Bingo!" and hang up.

21. Feign total stupidity. "you want to sell me a magazine prescription? how
does that work? will my insurance cover such? don't I need a doctor or HMO
to approve it?", when they clarify it is a magazine SUBSCRIPTION, answer "oh
I see, can you deliver at home? but will the mailman be able to see what
magazine's I subscribe to? he'll think I am a pervert! what about the
neighbors! they'll hide their daughters!", continue until he hangs up.

22. Ask the guy or gal for his/her religion, then lecture him trying to
convert him to your religion and have them pray/chant/etc with you. See how
long they cooperate.

For those who don't have a Mon-key, this is hilarious.
For those who have a Mon-key, this is not funny.
For those who think Dan's Mon-key visiting would be fun, this is a warning.
The following came from an Dan Winfield himself.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY Mon-key...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING) ):

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Mon-key wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) won't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke . . . lots of it.

9. A Mon-key can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a Mon-key.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't, walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show that they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Louisville, Kentucky has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

And finally, the mind of a 6-year-old is wonderful.

First Grade.....true story.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?

What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

   The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"

   "Your name never came up," she replied.

    **********    Boing!    ****************

710 Cap

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said it's a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" we asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there." One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they fall down behind the counter they are laughing so hard.
One guy said, " I think you want an oil cap." She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde.

Note: If you read "710" upside down.... it spells OIL!!!!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it, don’t piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil, n fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing on the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know that I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she said.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN

Horny
Sleepy
Hungry

Airline Announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant staff, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
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"The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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On Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. You're thinking that I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt!"
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On an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:, during the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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An airline pilot had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required him to stand at the door, smile, and give the passengers a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline," while the they exited. In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach was heard to reply, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Three lengths of string decide to go out for a drink. Two are nice clean, freshly cut pieces and one is old, tatty, ravelled up, and dirty.

They settle into the pub and the first clean piece goes to the bar. Three pints of larger please, he asks the barman. While pulling the drinks the barman asks, excuse me, but are you a piece of string?

Well I’ll be blowed, thirty years behind this bar and I’ve never served a piece of string before!

Ah well, strange world, says the string, and goes back to his seat with his drinks.

An hour later the second clean piece of string goes to the bar, Three pints of larger please barman, says he.

The barman starts to pull the drinks. Excuse me, but are you a piece of string? he asks.

How about that, says the barman, thirty years behind this bar without ever seeing a piece of string and you’re the second one tonight!

Ah well, says the piece of string, strange world, and off he goes with the drinks.

After an hour the third, dirty, ravelled tatty piece of string goes to the bar. Three pints of larger please says he.

"THINGY":
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

"VULNERABLE":
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

"COMMUNICATION":
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the
boys.

"BUTT":
Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal.
Also good for mooning.

"COMMITMENT":
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.

"ENTERTAINMENT":
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

"FLATULENCE":
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and malebonding.