Wednesday July 31 2002
Little Johnny and Jenny
are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One
day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him
and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask
you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Tuesday July 30 2002
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was a historical inevitability.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T.
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
I missed one?
Monday July 29 2002
A man entered the bus,
with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down
next to a woman . The woman kept looking quizzically at him and his
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The woman continued to look at him thoughtfully and Finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Sunday July 28 2002
As you all know, in the
Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then
He created man:
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to go forth and reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. In about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
Saturday July 27 2002
between "Focus on Problems" and "Focus on
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity. In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars.
They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.
The Russians used a pencil...
Friday July 26 2002
Remember the book "Men are
from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of
Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating,
and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Thursday July 25 2002THE 5 STAGES OF LIFE
And now that I've reached number 5 and almost a member of the Senior Citizen group ......
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8PM.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the store room.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more! I haven't sent it to you before, have I?
Tuesday July 23 2002Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin: "You know
"that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car... and she wanted me to drive."
George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."
Monday July 22 2002A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
~ Mae West
Saturday July 20 2002
Secrets to a Happy
Marriage from a Male Point of View
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Friday July 19 2002
Conspiracy, We Must Stop This.
Have you ever noticed that
when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are?
Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther
away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how
long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! > Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb
if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too!
Thursday July 18 2002A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
Wednesday July 17 2002He said....She said
10) He said... I don't know
why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
And the number 1 "He said...She said"..
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
Tuesday July 16 2002ANOTHER FIGHTER PILOT
Monday July 15 2002
Granny- Defender Of Justice (True story ?)
elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found
four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping
bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of
her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Sunday July 14 2002
5 questions most feared by men are:
What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells thetruth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, with
# 1: What are you thinking about?
proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on
what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how
lucky I am to have met you."
response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely
is one of the following:
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg,
"If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to
# 2: Do you love me?
proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Do I look fat?
correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you
Do you think she's prettier than me?
again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you when you were her age
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you
What would you do if I died?
definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").
matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
questions, usually along the these lines:
Would you get married again?
Why not-don't you like being married?
Of course I do.
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Okay, I'd get married again.
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
( makes audible groan )
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Where else would we sleep?
Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
And would you let her use my golf clubs?
She can't use them; she's left-handed.
- - - silence - - -
Saturday July 13 2002
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. If you bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel/aluminum deposit, you would have $79. It is therefore financially prudent in these troubled times to drink heavily and recycle.
Friday July 12 2002
Here's an e-mail I received a few hours ago.......I figured it was amusing enough to put in the TPC as a joke of the day. For the few people that haven't heard of them.....money scams from Nigeria are world famous. I removed the e-mail address incase anyone actually believes this is not a scam. S.Bamford
FROM:DR ISA BELLO
ATTN: THE PRESIDENT / C.E.O
I am the Chief Medical Doctor and close confidant of Mrs. Maryam Abacha,the former first lady and wife of the late Gen. Sani Abacha, the former head of state and commander in chief of the armed forces of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. She (MRS. M. ABACHA), has as a result of the trust and confidence, she has in me mandated that I
search for a reliable and trustworthy foreign partner, who will help receive some funds which she had in cash totaling US$50M (Fifty Million United States Dollars only) into a personal, company or any reliable foreign bank accounts within or outside your country as all their personal and family Bank accounts within and outside Nigeria have all been frozen by the Nigerian authorities. This money in question has however, been clearly moved in defaced form and Deposited with a security company that has branchesin Asia, Africa, Europe and various parts of America.
It may also interest you to note that she (MRS. ABACHA) and her family have, since the inception of the present democratic government, been placed under partial house arrest, with their international travelling passports seized pending when the current fund recovery face - off between them and the present RTD. GEN. OBASANJO led
Democratic Government is resolved, in which from all indication will not exceed this year.
She has decided to offer anybody who will be willing to render this tremendous assistance, 20% of the total sum. Note that this transaction involves no risks whatsoever, as you will have no dealing with my country, Nigeria. Rather you will deal directly with the Security Company, which is based where the money is right now.
Let me have your confidential Tel/Fax numbers in your response to this proposal. I shall let you into a complete detailed picture of this mutual beneficial transaction when I have received your anticipated positive reply.
This matter should be treated as urgent and confidential!
DR ISA BELLO
Thursday July 11 2002
A LETTER FROM SUMMER CAMP
Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scout Master Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. Bobby is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scout Master Webb gets the truck fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that with
a truck that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably
why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat truck. He
doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on
the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in the cab. He let us
take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and
talked to us.
Scout Master Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scout Master Webb wouldn't let me, because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scout Master Webb isn't crabby like some Camp counselors. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the truck, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all
passed our first aid badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm,
we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scout
Master Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover
chicken. He said he used to get sick that way with the food they ate in
prison. I'm so glad he broke out and become our Scout Master. He said he
sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Your Son, Jimmy.
Wednesday July 10 2002County Employees
Tuesday July 9 2002
A little guy gets on a plane and
sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong
mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately
falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's
afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows
he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at
the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an
air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
Monday July 8 2002
Here are some actual maintenance complaints, generally known as squawks, submitted by pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks prior to the aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilot's squawks.
The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews. (P) is the problem logged by the pilot, and (S) marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for!
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
Sunday July 7 2002
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota
Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you
discover that you are riding a dead horse the best strategy is to dismount.
In modern times, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing Riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Saturday July 6 2002How to give a cat a pill:
Friday July 5 2002
The Real Man Test
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe
that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
C. Remote control.
Thursday July 4 2002
This is very interesting, read on......
What happens when a president gets elected in a year with
a "0" (zero) at the end? Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.
And LOOK! Year 2000 is where it lands!
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt)
2000: George Bush (???????)
And to think that we had 2 guys duking it out
in the courts to be the one elected in 2000.
You might be interested in this next part.
Have a history teacher explain this ---- If they can?
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called a 'Lincoln' made by Ford.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials!
And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Wednesday July 3 2002
THE GOLD WRAPPING PAPER
It's said that we have a choice to make. I've chosen. Now it's your turn to choose.
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 5-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." The father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He spoke to her in a harsh manner: "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's
supposed to be something inside the package? The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said: "Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full."
The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.
An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life.
And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as human beings have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family and friends.
There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
You now have two choices ... you can:
1. Pass this on to your friends, or
2. Forget it and act like it didn't touch your heart.
As you can see, I took choice No.1. Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. All the best to you from Steve B. at the ARC Corporate offices.
Tuesday July 2 2002
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The Man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day having sex with the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the lorry and one of them is beeping the horn."
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one, an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
Monday July 1 2002
TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
+50 degrees (+10°C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Canada sunbathe.
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Canada drive with the windows down.
+32 degrees (0°C)
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
+20 degrees (-7°C)
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.
+15 degrees (-10°C)
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees (-18°C)
People in Miami all die...
Canadians lick the flagpole.
20 below (-29°C)
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada get out their winter coats.
40 below (-40°C)
The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies door to door.
60 below (-51°C)
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below (-62°C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Canada rent some videos.
100 below (-73°C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below (-183°C)
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below (-273°C) (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale)
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Canada start saying, "Eh, Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below (-295°C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup !?!?!
guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He
thought to himself "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight
attendant; but which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick
her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it
shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately
thought to himself, oh shit, she doesn't work for Delta! A few
seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?" She gave him the
same confused look. He scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the f*ck do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said . . .
Ah-h-h . . . Air Canada".
In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three pound live lobsters -one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie, I got you this time - with two live lobsters -three weeks after the Season Closed!"
The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained! Like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!
"Likely story, the Fisheries Officer says! Lets take them on down the wharf and see if its true. So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The Newfie sets on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another!
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?
The Newfie says, " What for?"
The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the lobsters"
The Newfie says, " What lobsters ?
Two days after she had bought a Lexus that had cost her a bundle, the lady brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. The sales manager explained, "The audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!"
A little amazed, yet not quite too sure about all of it, she drove out, looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky, Riddle or Willie?" In no time, she was ripping down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". She soon grew to appreciate this feature of her new car. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. If she wanted The Beatles, there they were. One day, at an intersection, just as she started out after her light had turned green, she saw, out of the corner of her eye, a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a what could have been a disastrous collision. "Asshole," she muttered.
From the radio.... "Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Canada.".......
You truly are from Toronto if ...
1. You turn your nose up any establishment frequented by the S&M crowd (Scarborough and Mississauga).
2. A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
3. You can recommend about 3 good body piercing parlors.
4. You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.
5. Your considered tough because you're able to walk through Chinatown in the dead of summer without holding your breath.
6. You realize there are far more rainbow flags in the city than Canadian Flags.
7. When the temperature rises above zero degrees, you yell "Woohooo! Patio weather!".
8. You enjoy watching cable pulse 24, because it really does give you everything.
9. You're guaranteed to know at least one person on every episode of Speaker's Corner.
10. You haven't been to the CN Tower since you were six, but still have nightmares about that [#@!$] turbo elevator.
11. You've had at least 3 bicycles stolen in the past 10 years.
12. You've partied with at least one of the members of The Kids in the Hall.
13. At least 3 of your friends have moved to out west.
14. You never, never, never swim in the lake.
15. You know "The Beaches" are really called "The Beach", but still say The Beaches" just to annoy all the nitwits who live there.
17. You know the correct answer to "Where do shopping carts go to die?" is "The Don River".
18. You speak better Chinese than French.
19. Castle Frank subway station remains one of the great mysteries of the universe for you.
20. You know what the bathrooms in the First Canadian Place are REALLY for.
21. You don't know where Fort York is, but have a vague recollection of being there in a past life.
22. Even if you won't admit, you love the Leafs, especially when they beat Montreal.
23. You know where to find Dim Sum, Sushi, Curry, Pad Thai and a dildo at 3am on any weeknight.
24. For the last time, it's pronounced 'TRONNA'!
25. You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of your privacy.
26. You laugh heartily at people who refer to highway four hundred and one.
27. You can maneuver your bike across Queen St. without getting caught in the streetcar tracks.
28. You know the difference between souvlaki, moussaka and spanakopita.
29. You can name at least three locations of The Beer Store that are open till 11 PM.
30. You have NEVER been to the Hard Rock Cafe.
31. You will always refer to them as Scarborough, East York, Etobicoke, North York and Toronto no matter who amalgamated [#@!$].
So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary
Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States,
I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a
New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Jean
Chretien , said, "I am da Prime Minister of Canada, I have a great
responsibility being the leader of a great nation. And above all I'm da most
intelligent Prime Minister in Canadian history, so Canada's people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. Canada's most intelligent Prime Minister has taken my school backpack."
A couple of Newfies are out in the
woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out
his cell phone and calls 911.
Panic-stricken, he says to the operator, "I think Ralph is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot heard.
The Newfie's voice comes back on the line.
He says, "OK, now what?"
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!" "What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith. "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! said Mr. Smith. Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have OHIP, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith. "OHIP recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
BY RICK TELANDER SUN-TIMES
COLUMNIST SALT LAKE CITY from shortly after the Olympic Men's and Women's
Hockey win by the Canadians at the Salt Lake City Olympics
You gotta love those cuddly hosers from Up North, eh? When I called home, my 11-year-old son was singing "O Canada,'' and I couldn't blame him.
It's a simple song--a preschooler can handle the melody, and apparently the only words are "O Canada'' and "We stand on guard for thee''--and you haveto admit the anthem looks so good coming out of Wayne Gretzky's mouth. Especially when Janet Jones is clinging to his back.
know the Canadians smoked us in hockey--men's and women's--and that is a little
like UCLA losing a doubleheader hoops game to the University of Saskatoon.
Well, not exactly, maybe. Canada did invent hockey. But with a population about the same as New York state, Canada should be as serious a threat to our big country as Lapland is to Russia.
Those northern people also beat our women in curling, en route to winning a silver medal. Of course, we don't care about curling, and they do.
When one of their beloved female curlers died of cancer not long ago, the memorial service was broadcast nationally on Canadian television.
But shouldn't we beat the Canucks (Webster's definition: "A Canadian; especially a French Canadian'') at anything that has moveable objects involved, whether French, English or pig Latin is spoken during the event?
The trouble is, you can't get mad at Canadians.
Anger directed north is like anger directed at a slobbering St. Bernard. Just get the mop and pat its head, and things will be fine.
Canada is the buffer between us and the Arctic Circle, a province of Minnesota, the guardian of ponds and mosquitoes and bellowing moose.
We have Florida and Bruce Springsteen and real police.
They have Manitoba and the Barenaked Ladies and mounties in red coats and Dudley Do-Right hats.
It had been 50 years since the Canadian men had won an Olympic gold medal in hockey. And the Canadian women had lost eight straight times to their United States counterparts before whipping the haughty Americans on Thursday.
And so what we have in this deal is a kind of gentle payback.
Did you know we once invaded Canada?
We did. In December 1775, we marched up there to fight the British and were forced to scamper home after getting our butts shellacked in Quebec.
Soon after, for our punishment, agent Peter Jennings was sent across the border and instructed to make the word "aboot'' part of the American lexicon.
I have to admit that I was stunned upon arriving in this western city to see that the American Olympic team was wearing gear made by something or somebody called "Roots.'' There on every American athlete's jacket and sweatshirt, like a first name on a bowling shirt, was the word, "Roots.'' A Canadian company, for God's sake. Apparently not Nike or Wilson or Spalding or even Target or Walgreens could get it together, or stoop low enough, to actually outfit our own people. What a great way to win a minor battle: Put the big dummies in our clothes.
I wonder if the American press, so shrill and feverish in demanding reparations for allegedly slighted Canadian pairs skaters Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, would be so vocal now, knowing the danged Canadians kicked our butts in the only team games we cared about.
again: How can you get mad at these folks?
They're like Australians living in places like Prince Rupert, without kangaroos.
They're us, we like to think.
If we could handle the wolverines and tundras.
Canadian men's hockey leader Wayne Gretzky had complained about "American propaganda,'' saying we southern media agents had somehow been mean to and critical of the hosers' hockey and wanted nothing more than for them to implode. I sat and listened to Wayne's rant, and I had no idea what he was talking about. He said that if the
Canadians had been as loutish as, say, the Czech Republic players were to his own little precious annoyance, Theo Fleury, the Canadians would be labeled "hooligans.'' Hooligans? What was Wayne talking about?
is the least bit nasty about Labatt Blue or Fergie Jenkins or snowshoes?
No, this was the Olympics that had almost everybody rooting for the folks
from the other side of the treeline.
And it was the Olympics that made us realize the Soviet Union is gone, the Cubans don't have a Winter team, the Chinese are still figuring it out, the Berlin Wall is down, and the only Evil Empire out there, so to speak, is us.
We're the bullies on the block, the strutters with the money and clout
And guess what?
Oh, Canada, you sweeties. You nicked us where it hurts.
A Canadian is some one that knows how to make Love in a canoe. - Pierre Burton