Page 6 of best jokes

A police officer stops a local for speeding, and asks very plainly, "May I see your license and registration, sir."
The local replied with a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away from me, now you expect me to show it to you?!?"

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Following is the official guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed: +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1

You leave the toilet seat up: -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5

In the snow: +8

But return with beer: -5

And no liners: -25

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It's her cat: -40

AT A PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -10

With breast implants: -18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday: 0

You buy a card and flowers: 0

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal: 0

The pal is happily married: +1

The pal is single: -7

He drives a Ferrari: -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie: +2

You take her to a movie she likes: +4

You take her to a movie you hate: +6

You take her to a movie you like: -2

It's called Cop 3: -3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it: +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.": -800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding: -10

You reply, "Where?": -35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt": -100

Any other response: -20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression: 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?": -50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

These are a couple that I've added that only scale modelers can relate to.

You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise. 0

It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off. -15

You take her to Virginia Beach for a long week end vacation. +50

It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held. -100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the vendors room than she does shopping)

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A "BLUE NECK" IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what moon pie is.

6. You've never had an RC Cola.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12. You don't have bangs.

13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26. You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.

27. You don't know what appliqué is.

28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)

29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

31. You can do your laundry without quarters.

32. None of your fur coats are homemade.

A Sad Tale

Late last month, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy.
I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Super Pill
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas

You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
You find -40C a little chilly
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

Visit to the Doctor

The doctor was examining a young blonde model who was having terrible pain in her abdomen.

"My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the doctor said.

The woman became quite angry and said, "Don't try hitting on me doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented."

Playing Trivial Pursuit with a Blonde

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
-------

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.--------

Ole & Sven are laid off!

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Ole answered,"Panty Stitcher". "I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: "Yah, diesel fitter."

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."-------------

(as if an Irishman would stoop so low as to play such a barbaric Scottish game)

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does, in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?" "Why, I win fortunes in golf. But, if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long." "I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose." "C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once...sometimes twice a week." "What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish......

Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. "

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast.
Now I do it in ten."

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important." Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we
want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important." The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Grand National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

The Portrait

A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex."
"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in
distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

"How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,

"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats'

The facts of life -

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you broke wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of....?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out: ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes....can you imagine?? And why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....??!!#&%) (Well at least pigs get the break there....)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig....quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is... Lucky Pigs.
---------

Here's some history on yesterdays brain teaser...which is below the history that is directly below.

Here's what we believe to be the story behind the "F" puzzle. There was a guy who went through an intersection and struck another guy, who was on a motorcycle.

When he went to court after pleading "not guilty" to careless driving, he explained that he simply had not seen the motor cycle.

The judge told him that he had a real problem believing, that in broad daylight - with no other
traffic around, etc, etc, the driver hadn't seen the motorcycle coming.

That's when the accused driver gave the judge the "F" puzzle. The judge gave the "normal" answer of "3 F's" to which the driver pointed out the F's in the three "of's" and showed the judge that "the mind doesn't always see what the EYES do". (The mind sees F's as V's.)

> Count the # of F's in the following text:
>
> "FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
>
> SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
>
> IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
>
> EXPERIENCE OF YEARS."
>
> Managed it?
>
> Scroll down only after you have counted them okay?!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> How many? 3?
>
>
>
> Wrong there are 6!! -no joke.
>
> Read it again.
>
>
>
>
>
>The reasoning is further down.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The brain cannot process "OF."
>
> Incredible or what?
>
> Anyone who counts all 6 "F"s on the first go is a genius!!
>
> Three is normal, four is quite rare!!

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Relationships
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--- Bob Ettinger

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS.

A trainee for a Police Department, was asked the following hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path in the main park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what would you do?" The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation, "I would endeavour to reconstruct the crime."
--------------

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie: she accepts: they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again, they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking; Gosh, six months.

And Elaine is thinking: but hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward.... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking; So, that means it was....let's see.. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means.. let me check the odometer..Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty..scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

What? says Roger, startled.

Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, here eyes beginning to brim with tears, "Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so.. (she breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that.. it's that I.. I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.

"YES" HE SAYS.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh", says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you Roger," she says.

"Thank you" says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turn on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand that, and so, he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring
every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Stand By Your Man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Please be aware also that Beer delivers vital nutrients without which the
body cannot survive.

Vitamin B from Barley
Vitamin C from Carbonation
Vitamin A from Alcohol
Vitamin H from Hops

Brewing water into beer also produces the only safe and effective prevention
against Typhus, Cholera, Ricketts, Palno-Harfens Syndrome and Andalusian
Whooping Phlegm.

Why do you think that the Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower put to port in
Plymouth, Massachusetts, instead of finishing their planned journey to
Jamestown, Virginia? Simple. They ran out of Beer. Check your history, it's
true.

Doctors say that a Beer a day can help reduce arterial plaque, lower blood
pressure and help reduce cholesterol. I firmly believe this and have taken
action accordingly. I am currently medicated through the end of the 24th
Century.

Beer is, in fact, a Major Food Group unto itself.

Now, on the subject of Exercise, remember these simple examples of what you
should and should not do when exercising.

DO: Pace yourself. Don't over-exert, especially when beginning an exercise program.

DO: Work into exercise GRADUALLY. Say, over 80 or 90 years. Start by watching exercise videos, then build up to humming along with the background music. Drooling at women in Spandex also burns calories and improves cardio-vascular fitness.

DO: Maintain a safe, injury-free exercise area. Protective padding to prevent falls is recommended. Cushioned surfaces to reduce impact injuries are preferred. Proper body position is critical to healthy and effective exercise. A LazyBoy or BarcaLounger provides all these safety features in one, compact unit.

DO: Use a well-rounded workout program. Running, Jogging and Jumping all provide similar and yet varied exercise to critical muscle groups, so use them in a balanced exercise regimen. I find that Running my mouth, Jogging my memory and Jumping to the occasional conclusion form the backbone of my fitness workout.

DO: Involve the family. Exercise is a social activity, as well as a physical activity. Have your children, your wife, your girlfriend or others exercise while you supervise. Remember, you know more about safety and fitness than they do, so share that knowledge with the ones you love. Be sure to use the safety equipment provided on the LazyBoy to protect yourself while they exercise.

DON'T: Be fooled by the recent craze of so-called "Aerobic" exercises. Aerobic is actually a form of Bacteria, and we all know what THEY do. The act of intentionally making yourself breathe hard while there are Bacteria around will only cut short your precious life. Avoid it. Besides, all that air friction in the lungs will wear them out prematurely.

DON'T: Think that an elevated Heart Rate during exercise (the alleged Training Heart Rate scam) is a good thing either. Just as an engine is stressed to the point of failure by over-revving, the heart can be also. Keep your heart rate down and at a safe pace. Watch only one or two videos at a time, as watching women in Spandex can cause excessive elevation of your heart rate.

DON'T: Buy, rent or use sophisticated exercise equipment or apparatus. Remember, more people are killed by machines than machines are killed by people. Besides, the only weight you will lose is from your wallet. If you want to lift weight, get your fat arse out of the LazyBoy and go get a beer.

DO: Remember that the objective of any exercise program is to finish with a Heart Rate greater than Zero.

-- WINTER IN CANADA - -

Dear Diary,

AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

OCT. 14 Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

NOV. 11 Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here.

DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada.

DEC. 12 More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Frigging snow plough.

DEC. 22 More of that white stuff fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Nasty fellow.

DEC. 25 Merry frigging Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-gun who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the nasty fellow. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the frigging ice.

DEC. 27 More white stuff last night. Been inside for 3 days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white stuff and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the stuff again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?

DEC. 28 That frigging weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white stuff this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got suck up in the road and that nasty fellow came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken 6 shovels shoveling out all the white stuff he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last
one over his frigging head.

JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those frigging beasts should be killed. The beasts are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that frigging salt they put all over the roads.

MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a snowbound forsaken place as Canada.

Fair Warning

Discovering one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Levine stopped to gently scold the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

Yes, the one we've all been waiting for... the Darwin Awards 2001. The candidates have finally been released!

For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honour given to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES:
1. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

2. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he
hit the floor.

3. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

4. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

5. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

AND THE GRAND WINNER:

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his
bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. ----------------

People want the front of the bus, back of the church and the center of attention.

*****************************************************************************************************

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy.? "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have
a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

GAMES TO PLAY WHEN WE'RE OLDER:

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Simon says something incoherent.
7. Hide and go pee.
8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2: Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter.
Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate cult barely gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Chapter 3: Signs of Wear and Tear

OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber that day.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Every army platoon has at least one, usually black, member who can play the harmonica.

All G.I.s know how to make a still out of a jeep radiator.

If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transferred to
different unit, the buddy will be dead, or will die shortly there after.

If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have nightmare
at that exact same moment

New replacements always get killed before you can even learn their
names.

The hero's weapon is always different from everyone elses.

Every unit has a "Scrounge" who can get you anything from an atomic
bomb to a date with the general's daughter for a bottle of cheap scotch,

or vice-versa.

The platoon sargeant never has a grenade on him, so he Always asks
someone else for the grenade, then pulls the pin out with his teeth.
(which will usually cause you to lose teeth before extracting the pin!)

Everyone who joins an Airborne (parachute) outfit doesn't understand
why anyone would jump out of perfectly good airplane.

Elite units (Special Forces, Rangers, Commandos) are always recruited
from convicts and other socially degenerate segments of society.

Elite units are always considered expendable even though they cost much

much more to train and maintain.

Roger, wilco -- over and out. nuff said. Radio transmission are always
improper.

The German Army always uses U. S. Patton Tanks.

Cannons, howitzers, and main tank guns NEVER recoil, unless its old
documentary footage.

The battle hardened vet will always fall on a grenade for the new guy,
rather than picking up the grenade and throwing it away, or jumping out
of the fox
hole.

Fox holes never have overhead protection, or grenade pits.

Only the "Japs" and the "VC" bother to use booby traps.

German soldier always wear grey uniforms and jack-boots, though these
uniforms were pretty much pahsed out by mid 1943.

SS soldiers always wear there dress black uniform.

The British Army is only allowed to fight in North Africa, and even
then only elite forces other than the LRDG and SAS are allowed to fight.

Only the Marines fought the war in the Pacific. No Army personnel were
involved.

The military hero always carries a special knife with an 11 inch +
blade and a hollow handle with all sorts of gadgets. (most soldiers
stick with the standard bayonet [6 in blade], Marine Corps Fighting
knife[7 in blade], or airforce[5 1/2 in blade] survival knife.

None have hollow handles because hollow handles break too easily)

Snipers always know exactly where someone will pop there Head out of
trench and soldiers in trenches never use mirrors or periscopes, like
they did in World War One.

Any kid, or dog for that matter can wonder around through an artillery
barrage and not get killed while half the outfit will always get wiped
out.

No one will shoot the hero and the battle will even come to a stand
still while the hero cries in agony and curse that "it should've been
him" when his best friend steps on the land mine/get blown up/ dies
charging the machine gun nest. The battle will resume as soon as the
hero gets over his grief and gets angry. The hero will be victorious
within 45 seconds of becoming angry.

Any machine gun nest can be approached from behind without dificulty,
but not until half the unit has been wiped out.

Soldiers will ask for keys for military vehicles even though these
vehicles dont use keys.

If soldiers start to eat/drink/change socks/go to the bathroom, they
will get orders to move out immediately.

Soldiers will always make a comment about the food, usually something
along the line of "I stepped in it but I've never ate it" or "if we feed

this to the "krauts" we'd win the war tomorrow."

Soldiers and sailors must have at least on bar room brawl usually
followed by a scene where they come to each others mutual aid the next
day.

There has to be a scene involving giving chocolate to children
or nylons/cigarettes to women in a WW II movie. The soldiers never try
to take advantage of the situation by asking for sexual favors in
return.

There is also an obligatory scene where a soldier reads a travel
brochure about beautiful Italy/Germany/France/Guam/ while the camera
pans across the blown up country side.

If the travel guide scene is omitted, you'll be treated with the scene
where a soldier comments about how nice everything looks, too bad
there's a war going on, he's going to come back when this is all over.
He'll be shot by a sniper shortly after this scene.

WEAPONS

Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor do they ever have to
reload. (If the movie does make them reload, they never have to
actually carry any spare ammo until that scene)

Guns never run out of ammunition unless escape would be otherwise
impossible. The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy always
misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place.

Bad-guy hand grenades make noise and smoke, but no real damage;
good-guy hand grenades are devastating but selective; they will destroy
tanks, but won't hurt the thrower, even if he drops one on his toe.
Bad-guy grenades used by good guys become good-guy grenades, and vice
versa.

When the villain runs out of bullets, he'll throw away his gun. When
the hero does so, he'll conveniently come across another.

Machine guns submerged underwater for a long time won't jam or misfire
when the hero pops up to use them. (see any Rambo movie)

A cigarette case/lighter in the shirt pocket will always block the
bullet.

When the hero faces a ridiculously large number of shooters with high
powered weapons, they will all miss after several shots. Then, the hero
will pulls out this gun that looks like a toy and start picking off the
bad guys from half a mile away, usually hitting them in the forehead.

People always pump out a few (probably used) shotgun shells at each
corner when chasing someone.

When people aim a rifle with binocular-sight at someone on a very long
distance, they manage to keep them in the bull's-eye all the time even
if they move around.

When faced with dozens of armed opponents, the good guy will show up
and appear to be shot, perhaps dozens of times. He will fall down, and
presumably be dead, but will later miraculously turn out to have had the

foresight to wear a bulletproof vest, armor plating, or even a silver
tray to protect his torso (Batman). No one will ever shoot him in the
head, where he is unprotected. Afterwards, instead of learning from his
extremely good fortune, he throws his protection away, confident that
the same situation cannot recur in his movie.

When superheroes like Batman or Robocop use high technology to protect
themselves, the bad guys never take advantage of obvious weaknesses,
such as no face protection.

Characters shot with guns will fly backward, or upward and backward,
through the air - the laws of physics notwithstanding.

Characters use silencers on revolvers... and it works.

In 50% of action movies made after 1988, "Teflon Coated Cop Killer
Bullets" will be referred to.

No movie character will ever use or refer to a safety on any firearm.

No movie character will ever use a .22-caliber weapon.

The cowboy who exchanges a dozen shots with the bad guys without
hitting one will nevertheless be able to hit and detonate a stick of
dynamite from 150 feet away with a revolver on the first try.

Once a character has flipped up the long range site on his rifle, he
will always make his next shot.

Bullets removed from shooting victims and displayed to the camera will
not be misshapen in any way from the impact - and will sometimes still
have the casing attached.

Shots fired at the rear of a vehicle will cause the gas tank to
explode.

Shots fired at windshields never deflect; they always penetrate and hit

the bad guy in the forehead. If the good guy is driving, he'll simply
have to duck a little to avoid them.

Shots fired at guys hiding around corners never whiz past; they always
strike the edge of the building near the character's face.

Shots fired in Westerns that do not hit a character always ricochet
loudly.

If there is a trough of water present in a Western Gunfight scene, at
least one shot will splash spectacularly in the water.

Western characters are never shot in the legs while hiding behind
wagons.

No gun will ever jam or misfire after a quick-draw.

In a duel or in a gunfight between two characters standing in a street,

at least one charcter is always hit on the first exchange of gunfire.

No debris will ever fall from a ceiling after a gun is Fired upward
into it.
Shurrikens and thrown knives never miss, unless they pin a character's
clothing to a wall or tree.

Horses are never wounded in horseback gunfights.

Assassins will always wait 'till the very last moment to assemble their

complex sniper weapon (often a pistol the size of a rifle).

Even weapons experts will freeze when confronted with a weapon which is

not in firing condition-ie an un-cocked single actionrevolver or a
submachine gun with its breech closed (also un-cocked). The
personholding the gun must make several moves to fire the gun, and the
adversary could just reach out and take the weapon, but the dropee just
freezes even though often it is obvious that the cylinder is devoid of
any ammo.

Movie gunmen never lock and load their weapons when anticipating a
life-or-death confrontation. Oh they have their weapons drawn, but not
charged with a round in the chamber. They usually (always when carrying
a pump-action shotgun) wait until they confront their quarry to slam a
round into the chamber with a dramatic ca-chunking noise.

Bullets, even though they are only pieces of lead-sometimes encased in
copper, always make little explosions when they strike any kind of
inanimate object.

Photos of loved ones, religous medals, and bibles can stop bullets
better than a bullet proof vest.

All sub machine guns sound alike and have the same rate of fire

NEW requirement: all automatic pistols must be held sideways in order
to be fired.

If you are a cowboy, aiming your rifle while using your horse as a
support will always assure a first round hit.

All automatic weapons must be cocked in order to be fired, but bolt
action weapons can fire two or three times without being cocked!

You can never un-jam a weapon by just pulling back the bolt and
rechambering another round, 'though that will work 99 times out of 100
in real life.