Jokes for Feb 2002

Smitty left Newfoundland and moved to Toronto and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The following day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news... the donkey died last night." "Well, den" said Smitty, "Jus' give my money back den." "I can't do that, sir. I spent it already." "OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey." "What are you gonna do with him?" "I'm gonna raffle him off." "You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Newfie!" "Well dat's where you're wrong. You wait an' you'll learn how smart we Newfies
are! A month later, the farmer ran into the Newfie and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made $998.00" "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during their lunch break.

Kathy asks, "So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?"

Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
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A ventriloquist was driving through the Midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, ”Is this your horse?” The farmer replied, ”Yep.” The ventriloquist asked, ”Can he talk?” The farmer said, ”Nope.” The ventriloquist then said to the horse, ”So, how do you like it here?” He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, ”Oh, it’s pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats.” Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, ”Is this your cow,” and the farmer replied, ”Yep.” He then asked, ”Does it talk,” and the farmer replied, ”I… I don’t think so.” The ventriloquist asked the cow, ”How do you like it here,” and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, ”Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me.” Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, ”Are these your sheep,” and the farmer replied, ”Yep.” He then asked, ”Do they talk,” and the farmer exclaimed, ”Yes, but they lie!”

Big Gold Medal Men's Olympic Hockey game on today between USA and Canada....these jokes below seem to be perfect for the occasion. I hope you all enjoy the game....regardless of who wins.

Women Drivers......

Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dang makeup!!!

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cellphone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!

DANG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man goes into the doctor, Doc I have a terrible pain in my left ear!

Doc says, Ok lets have a look.

Doc pulls out the little gizmo with the eyepiece at one end and the light at the other and has a look in the guys ear.

You won't believe this sir he says, but there is a fifty pound note in your ear, hold on there's more!

The doc pulls out loads of money and says, I have just taken one thousand nine hundred and ninety quid out of your ear!

Man says "I told you I was'nt feeling two grand!!!"

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils...
best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis
of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries
That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Gang of Robbers

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!
We had $100 when we broke in!"

HOW TO BATHE THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so the cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

California Version of the Redneck Stuff

                     You know you are from California when............

     1.    Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
     2.    You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
     3.    You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
             conversation in English.
     4.    Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
            and is named Breeze.
     5.    You can't remember...is pot illegal?
     6.    You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
            donor.
     7.    You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans
            are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and
            Ethiopian.
     8.    You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
     9.    You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
   10.    A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
   11.    A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
   12.    Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
   13.    A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless
            chaps. You don't even notice.
   14.    Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the
            baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS
            George Clooney.
   15.    Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
   16.    Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
            delivers your mail is into S & M and your Mary Kay rep is a
            guy in drag.
   17.    You can't remember...is pot illegal?
   18.    It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
           station about "STORM WATCH 2002."
   19.   You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
           Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
   20.   You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
           busy with their cell phones or pagers.
   21.   It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an
           hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
   22.   Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
   23.   Both you AND your dog have therapists.

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Two classmates are talking. "I've found an easy way to make money" says one. Really? what's that?" It's simple. You go to your Dad and say 'Dad, I know the truth'. He'll give you money right there." The boys says to his father "I know the truth" "Oh no!" says the father. "Please don't tell your mother anything. Here's £10" The boy is beside himself and decides to do the same to his mother. "Mum I know the truth" "Oh no, son. Don't tell your Dad. Here's £20 The boy is ecstatic and thinks "I'll do this to everyone. Just then the milkman passes and the boy yells out. " I know the
truth" Astonished, the milkman says, " Really? Well, son. come and give your father a hug".

Old Mrs Davidson’s dishwasher had gone on the blink, so she called out a repairman. As she had to go to work the next day, Mrs Davidson said: ‘I’ll leave you a key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher and leave the bill. I’ll send you a cheque. And don’t worry about my pet Doberman. He won’t bother you. But whatever you do, don’t talk to my parrot under any circumstances.’ The next morning when the repairman arrived at Mrs Davidson’s flat, he discovered the biggest meanest-looking Doberman he’d ever seen. But, as Mrs Davidson had said, the dog just lay sprawled out on his bed and didn’t bother him. However, the parrot drove the man mad cursing and screeching all day long. Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore. ‘Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird,’ yelled the man. At which the parrot replied: ‘Get him, Spike.’

For all the Ryerson Grads out there!

In the rest room, 3 guys were standing side-by-side using the urinals. The 1st guy finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Toronto and they taught us to be sanitary."

The next guy finished, zipped up and quickly, wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Waterloo and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The last guy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Ryerson and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. Then I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS, so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard, and tore up the Warning Ticket.

Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman."
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy brunette. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness.

The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

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Tuesday Feb 5 2002

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican seacoast village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs . . . . I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.

With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta . . ."

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Monday Feb 4 2002

An Army infantry NCO stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and groans, "This is sh*t!"

An Army Airborne Ranger NCO stands in the rain with a 45 lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and mutters with a smile, "This is good sh*t!"

A Navy SEAL CPO lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, then opines with a grin, "This really is great sh*t."

A Marine NCO, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, roars, "I love this sh*t."

The Air Force NCO reclines in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, feet propped on a desk and eating microwaved pizza, as a cable -fed TV shows the latest Shania Twain music video and hollers, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh*t is this?"

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Sunday Feb 3 2002

A psychiatrist is doing his rounds and goes to see two of his patients. He finds the first one sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. The other is hanging by his feet from the ceiling. The psychiatrist asks the first patient what he’s doing. The man replies: ‘I’m sawing this piece of wood.’ The psychiatrist then asks why the other man is hanging from the ceiling. The man on the floor smiles: ‘He’s my friend, but he’s crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.’ The psychiatrist notices the man’s face is turning red and says to the wood cutter ‘It he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?’

‘What?’ the patient replies. ‘And saw in the dark?’

----------------------

A nursery school pupil tells his teacher about how he found a dead cat. How did you know It was dead?’ she asks. ‘Because I pissed in its ear, but it didn’t move,’ says the child innocently. ‘You did what?’ the teacher squeals in surprise.

‘You know,’ explains the boy, ‘I leant over and went psst in its ear, but it didn’t move.’

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Saturday Feb 2 2002

HOME HINTS
Martha Stewarts Way Vs The Real Woman's Way
*********************************************************************
Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up anyway.
****************************************************************
Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way:
A box of instant mashed will last in the cupboard for years and frozen lasts forever....the ice will melt in the microwave............duh! (a can of gravy will hide the taste anyway)
****************************************************************
Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way:
And why did they invent bakeries?. They'll even decorate it for you. (if you are saving for a new pair of shoes, buy Sara Lee and mess up the icing, they'll think you made it yourself)
****************************************************************
Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess for an instant "fix me up".
The Real Women's Way:
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,that's too damn bad. Please recite with me The Real Women's motto: I made it, you will eat it AND you will like it
****************************************************************
Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Isn't that a stir stick?

****************************************************************
Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way:
Pie Crust? Isn't that baking? Go back to number 3, please.
****************************************************************
Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way:
Didn't you use all the limes for the gin & tonic? And isn't that how you got the headache in the first place, Martha?
****************************************************************
Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way:
Yeah right......what else would the boob in front of the tube do if you didn't ask him to flex once in a while?
****************************************************************
Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine?

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Friday Feb 1 2002

A police officer stops a local for rolling thru a stop sign. The guys says, "Yeah, yeah. I slowed down". The officer says, "Sir you must come to a complete STOP at a stop sign. The guys says, "Stop, slow down. Ahh, what's the difference!". The officer then pulls his night stick and proceeds to pummel the driver and asks, "O.K., sir, do you want me to stop? Or do you want me to slow down?"

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Thursday Jan 31 2002

A police officer stops a local for speeding, and asks very plainly, "May I see your license and registration, sir."
The local replied with a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away from me, now you expect me to show it to you?!?"

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Wednesday Jan 30 2002

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Following is the official guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed: +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1

You leave the toilet seat up: -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5

In the snow: +8

But return with beer: -5

And no liners: -25

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It's her cat: -40

AT A PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -10

With breast implants: -18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday: 0

You buy a card and flowers: 0

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal: 0

The pal is happily married: +1

The pal is single: -7

He drives a Ferrari: -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie: +2

You take her to a movie she likes: +4

You take her to a movie you hate: +6

You take her to a movie you like: -2

It's called Cop 3: -3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it: +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.": -800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding: -10

You reply, "Where?": -35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt": -100

Any other response: -20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression: 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?": -50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

These are a couple that I've added that only scale modelers can relate to.

You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise. 0

It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off. -15

You take her to Virginia Beach for a long week end vacation. +50

It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held. -100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the vendors room than she does shopping)

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Tuesday Jan 29 2002

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A "BLUE NECK" IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what moon pie is.

6. You've never had an RC Cola.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12. You don't have bangs.

13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26. You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.

27. You don't know what appliqué is.

28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)

29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

31. You can do your laundry without quarters.

32. None of your fur coats are homemade.

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Mon Jan28 2002

A Sad Tale

Late last month, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy.
I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

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Super Pill
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."