Jokes for Dec 2002

WHAT GENDER IS IT?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider .
. . it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen s butt looked edible?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a Broker?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him,is he still wrong?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

When choosing between two evils, I always like to pick the one I never tried before.

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's,
60's or 70's.

Looking back, it's hard to believe that
we have lived as long as we have...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in
the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode
our bikes, we had no helmets.

(Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors......

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball
would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there
were no law suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to
blame, but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to
get over it.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never
overweight...we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with
four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99
channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian.
How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we
were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't,
had to learn to deal with disappointment..... Some students weren't as smart
as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same
grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them.

Congratulations!

A funeral service is being held for a man who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the man is actually alive! He lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the wife cries out: "Watch that wall!"

A few Christmas Eves ago Santa set out for his yearly trek. As he got into his sleigh, and grabbed the reigns he noticed a guy in a suit sitting next to him, holding a shot gun. He quickly asked, "Hey, who are you?"

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

--------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

--------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

-----------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

-----------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Cathy,Where am I?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

-----------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?

-----------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present at the time your picture was taken?

-----------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

------------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

------------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

German for Pilots
AIRCRAFT--Der Fliegenwagen

JET TRANSPORT--Der Muchen Overgrossen Biggenmother Das Ist Fliegen Higherenfaster Mit All Der Mach Und Flightenlevels. (Built by Boeing)

PROPELLER--Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster

ENGINE--Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airfloggenfan Pushenthruster

JET ENGINE--Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker Mit Compressorssqueezen Und Turbinespinnen Bladenrotors. (Made by Pratt & Whitney)

CONTROL COLUMN--Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick

RUDDER PEDDALS--Der Tailschwigen Yawmaken Werks

PILOT--Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwigen Werker

PASSENGER--Der Dumbkopf Das Est Strappened en Der Baaken Mit Der Other Dumbkopfs Das Est Expecten to Leave Undgo On Scheduledtimen Und Arriven Mit Der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen

STUDENT PILOT--Der Dumbkopf Das Learnen Fliegen Un Hopen to Jobenfdinden Mit Der Airlinens

FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR--Der Timenbuilder Mit Less Den 1000 Hrs Multienginefliegen. Teachen Dumbkopfs To Fliegen Vile Waitenwatchen Fer Der Letter Mit Der Joboffering Frum United

AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT--Das Grosse Overpaiden Und Under Werken Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck Dat Fliegen Mit Das Big Airlinen

PARACHUTE--Der Stringencotten Das Est Usen To Floaten Der Tailschwingen Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker Down To Earhten Ven Der Fliegenwagen Est Kaputen

FAA--Der Friggenfliegen Dumbkopf Schmucks Das Maken Alder Rulens Und Regulations

Bottle Of Perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command; very often, that individual is crazy.

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golf's all day long. Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover

Slight headache. stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender).

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.

You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows - for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

SYMPTOM:    Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT:      It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:     Punch him.

SYMPTOM:    Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're
in.
FAULT:      You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:     See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM:    Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:      Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:     Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:    Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:      Improper bladder control.
ACTION:     Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM:    Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:      Glass empty.
ACTION:     Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:    Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:      You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:     Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM:    Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:      You have fallen forward.
ACTION:     See above.

SYMPTOM:    Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:      Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:     Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:    Floor blurred.
FAULT:      You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:     Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:    Floor moving.
FAULT:      You are being carried out.
ACTION:     Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:    Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:      Bar has closed.
ACTION:     Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM:    Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures. FAULT:      Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:     Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM:    Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:      You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:     Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM:    Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:      You have been in a fight.
ACTION:     Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM:    Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:      The beer is too weak.
ACTION:     Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM:    Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:      Beer is just right.
ACTION:     Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM:    Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT:      Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION:     Up the dosage.

SYMPTOM:    Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT:      You've been walking into things.
ACTION:     Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM:    Bed is bumping around.
FAULT:      Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION:     It's too late, you made an idiot of yourself.----------------------------

For those golfers and dreamers out there

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO SH*T. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the bill. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the bill.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your bill.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The bill:
Soup of the Day          £3.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day           £2.50
Access to Support        £1.00
TOTAL        £6.50

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a
so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life . but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried . but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian .
until I realized there was no future in it.

Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"

"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of the forest. Parliament said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Parliament said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Parliament said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Parliment said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, and hired two people to fill these positions.

Then Parliament said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Parliament said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

''This is Revenue Canada. Can you help us?''

''I can.''

''Do you know a Ted Houlihan?''

''I do.''

''Is he a member of your congregation?''

''He is.''

''Did he donate $10,000 to the church?''

''He will.''
----------------------------

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion,he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.He decided to ask him one more! time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey,
in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my freakin' shoes."

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems, some you may have heard, but always funny!
*************

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "You want to participate in our competition?"

The guy asks "What's it all about?"

The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! But, if you fail, you have to buy the whole pub a drink."

The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate ... ... the steaks are too high!"