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You can't always get what you want*

Canadian Armed Forces Appropriation Committee Report: Fiscal Year 2006

Gallery Article by Alvis 3.1

Silly Week 2006

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To: Lieutenant Colonel J. Schmutz, Canadian Armed Forces

We appreciate the input and effort from your sub-committee on the replacement procurement of Fighter/Attack Multi-Role Aircraft to replace the current CF-118s, which have been in service for over 20 years. While the urgency IS understood, we here in the civil service have to follow what procedural process that we are required to.
First off, while the Incom T-65 X_Wing is certainly a capable aircraft, and has excellent vertical take off capacity, excellent load capacity and range, a very high speed and virtually unlimited altitude, we agree that the current technology prohibits the acquisition of Pulse lasers and Proton Torpedoes, but the substitution with Sidewinder AIM-9 missiles and 30 mm guns is an acceptable and cost effective substitution. We also agree that it has been shown to be an easily and inexpensively serviced and maintained aircraft. however, when we explored the possibility of licence production or major service overhaul orders through Bombardier, LucasFilm (TM, PP, R, C) refused to allow Bombardier any access to the design. As you know, no Bombardier contract..no sale!

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However, we have also explored another aircraft and have come to a very promising solution, and we feel you will agree. it is the upgraded Wright Flyer B design, slightly enlarged and wired to fire Sidewinder missiles. retaining the 4 missile capacity of the X-Wing, the aircraft is virtually invisible on radar, easily transported, and uses very few strategic resources to produce or service. in fact, the engine can be repaired at most Canadian Tire locations, which is an asset as we have approximately $25,000,000,000 in Canadian Tire money accumulated over the years. The engine can be made to run on bio-diesel, natural gas, ethanol, or even raw turnip fumes, the main structure can be fabricated from Canadian Softwood, and the skinning can be produced from hemp cloth, so it is a very PC friendly design. Additionally, we expect to be able to procure 15,000 for the same cost that a single squadron of X-Wings would have cost. You will be able to allow ALL members of the Forces to become pilots!
Cedric Wagglestaff, senior Snivel Serpent

*The Rolling Stones..a long long time ago in a decade far far away....

The models:

The X-Wing is the Ertl 1/48-ish kits, basically done stock with Sidewinders instead of lasers. A semi-Canadian scheme was sprayed on using Tamiya spray cans. A drop tank from an F-16 was added.

The Wright B is the Monogram 1/39th scale kit, re-scaled to 1/48 and equipped with Sidewinders and landing gear from the spares department. The same paints as the X Wing were used. both planes were decalled from a variety of spare decal sources.

Alvis 3.1

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Photos and text by Alvis Petrie

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